Black People : I want a husband, but not children. Brothers, how do you feel about this?

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by rapunzal24, Sep 26, 2011.

  1. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brothers, this question is for you, or even women that have some input from past experiences. How many brothers can deal with a women not wanting children? Most of the men on here seem to be grounded and intelligent, how would you feel if a woman said that she wanted you, but not children? I don't think I want children, I am 29, but I wonder how men will feel about this? Let me know.
     
  2. kde

    kde Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ultimately, this is an individual thing. In other words, the only person you will need to reach consensus on this with will be the man who you wind up in a relationship with. You will need to be very up front with the men you date seriously about this issue; this is one of those non-negotiables for most people, no matter which side they're on. It would be unfair for you to offer a man who wants children hope of the possibility if you know you're not interested or on board.

    The age of 29 is not necessarily "too young" to have such a stance - I would say to give it much more time if you were younger, like in your early-mid 20s. I'd question how you know that you're absolutely sure and, once you're final on this decision, perhaps you should take steps to ensure you don't experience an unplanned pregnancy (like getting a tubal ligation) and face even more difficult choices.

    I knew I wanted children and somewhat planned my life to be done having them by 30. At 29, I had my second and felt pretty sure I was done. At that point, I could look ahead and know I'd be in my early-late 40s when my kids were getting grown and should be marching toward independence on their own. I didn't want to be in my 50s with children, young or teens, still at home.
     
  3. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for this reply, I like children, but the idea of taking care of them and dealing with them, does not appeal to me. I usually don't get an answer from women with children,(except for MsInterpret), thank you. They are sooo cute, and I just love the innocence of children, but the idea of having them in this world is....undesirable. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. How do you deal with this? I have to be honest with the fact that I think I don't want children, but there is something inside of me that says I should, I feel like there is no greater honor that is given to a woman than to carry LIFE inside of her. I am kind of confused right now. I have talked to my Mom, but she says whatever I want to do is what I should do, but I know she wants grandkids, she is just a good mother and will not force her desires on me (besides, she has two sons, and one seems like a good candidate to have kids, lol).
     
  4. kde

    kde Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, familial, relationship or social pressure surely are the wrong reasons to have children. Once you're in, you're in it for the long haul and have to accept the pitfalls and highlights with duty, discipline and commitment, no matter what! I'd say no one knows if he or she is cut out for parenthood beforehand, but people may have weaker or stronger inclinations in either direction based on their own goals, personalities, lifestyles and preferences. Having children means putting your desires, wishes, wants, ambitions and even needs on the backburner, with the understanding that these self-directed objectives may eventually be fulfilled, but doing so will either be delayed, done under duress (time, limited resources, etc.) or perpetually put on hold. For example, I earned my master's degree just last year; it took me a total of nearly four years to complete the program - I went more slowly than I would have had I not had children. But because I did - and since I worked full-time as well - I had to take a measured approach, whereas I am sure I would have been done in two years if I were without children.

    Having children places pressure on your finances. They are not inexpensive! I did the math once when we had one, and between childcare, diapers, formula, food, clothing, furniture, doctor's appointments and the bill that was due from the hospital that insurance did not cover, we had invested tens of thousands of dollars by the time she was three. As someone who doesn't want kids, you may think about how you could have used that money - vacations, home improvements, lots of nights on the town, etc. - but as a parent, you can no longer look at it that way.

    As a woman, bearing children changes your body, and you have to accept that you may never look exactly the same again without great discipline and hard work - even then, it's still luck of the draw! I worked out during both pregnancies and have been successful in emerging from two pregnancies relatively "unscarred" by the physical toll. But this is only because I have been devoted to wellness and exercise for years, and MADE time for fitness in my life, even with children in tow. I can fit into many of the same clothes I had pre-babies. Some women think it's vain to think in this vein, but it's a reality most women wonder about, even if they don't state it. You have to be prepared for whatever you end up looking like afterwards. And if you don't like it, you have to be committed to working like hell to regain your body.

    You also have to be braced for the lifestyle changes you will endure. You will not be able to get up and go when you want to. And you'll realize that all the folks who want grandkids or little cousins or great nieces and nephews are NEVER available to babysit for you. LOL! Many people with children don't get to get out as often as they'd like, and that's because it's hard to find a babysitter who you trust and it's even harder sometimes to find the $8-$14/hour to pay them for a night out with your husband.

    I am now more than seven years into my parenting journey, and I must admit that it does go by fast, as cliche as that may sound. In just 11 more years, my older daughter will be graduating from high school and on her way to becoming her own woman. That really is not too far ahead into the future. It seems like I just had her yesterday!

    Parenthood has helped me slow down and appreciate the pure normalcy of a typical family life. We eat dinner together; my girls get involved and help me cook in the kitchen; every weekend is a ritual when I'm doing their hair in all sorts of braids and twists; our outings, from local trips to the park or museums to vacations at the beach are precious and priceless; looking at them and seeing them evolve into their own people is an incredible thing. And it's even more so when you see them extolling the values, virtues and knowledge you just hope they'd benefit from.

    I could say a lot more! But I am hoping this provides some perspective and balance.
     
  5. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you so much for responding......that last paragraph, it touches me. I don't know...I don't know. I do know that if I have children, they will be taken care of emotionally and physically, but I guess I have a lot to think about. Thank you again for your response.
     
  6. info-moetry

    info-moetry STAFF STAFF

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    peace

    If a woman said this to me i would not judge her, but in my mind from the way i was raised and having a big family around me all my childhood it might be difficult to digest. I have never had a woman tell me that she doesn't want children, though i have seen it in their actions and how they deal with the youth's in their own family.

    Just about every man wants to have seeds and help them to grow to fruition as it is in our nature, as it is in the woman's to also nurture. This is how we keep balance in the natural order of things. A man may agree with you with his mouth just to be with you that he does not want children, but how will you determine if he's telling you the truth. As men, our families are always asking us when the woman is not around 'baby, when do you plan on having a child?' Or 'when are you going to give me a grand child?'.

    So it will be difficult to find that one who doesn't want to have children, but just be ready for the other obstacles that may appear, as your request will to want him and not any children will sub-conciously cause a dilemma......

    I was there at the birth of my son (and i had no father growing up) and his mother had a c - section and there's no way i would give up that experience for the world.....

    It's your choice though and i wish you well in your quest....but you may have to hold out until the honeymoon to make sure he's serious about you.
     
  7. Bootzey

    Bootzey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    There are many men excited about the prospect of not having to pay child support for children with you, since they have so much to pay else where. I'm... and age... and I don't have children. I never had a problem with a man before. I actually have issues with men WITH children.
     
  8. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WOMAN!!! You and I both.

    I already told you how I felt about not having any more kids. I will tell you this, I was talking to some friends and one of them wanted what you wanted, a husband and no kids. The men in our group was like there are lots of men out there that would be okay with that.
     
  9. kde

    kde Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm sure there are a good number of men who wouldn't have a problem with this. I think the caveat is the demographic in which this would be more readily received. Older men - say early 40s and beyond - are more likely to already have children from previous relationships and not want any more, or they feel they are too old to be having children in diapers and looking like a grandfather at high school graduation.

    I would be cautious about taking a younger man mid-30s or under at his word if he claimed he was cool committing for life to have no children. Most men do appear to want their own offspring, to continue the line, as they say, even if that means just having at least one child.
     
  10. Black-king

    Black-king Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    There are many men who would want a woman like that, it will make the relationship more manageable for them. I mean with no children he can disappear anytime he wants with no trails behind him. Children complicate things for these people who want to leave the relationship at will. I know I wouldn't want a woman like that. What if she becomes pregnant accidentally, then she will go murder the child in her womb. Not my kind of woman.
     
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