Black Relationships : I need an earful from ya'll!!!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by desireb16, Apr 11, 2003.

  1. desireb16

    desireb16 Member MEMBER

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    Aiight forum, this is my first post, so keep it real! I have been in and out of this relationship for the past 5 years, when things got bittersweet within the year. My mate and I had a blessing together (now 9mos.), but within the year, he confessed that he possibly now has 4 year-old son else where. It really doesn't matter to me if we were together or apart when the child was concieved because he's here regardless, but he has been there since day one, basically. The child's mother still has feelings for him (I can tell), but he says he only wants to be with me. The plot, however, thickens because he lives in Chicago, and I'm in Cali. Of course he wants us to move that way, but I think it would be a massive mistake. I don't want our child to not be in his father's daily life, but I'm not tryin to hear about this potential child of his either, or sell myself short on hopes for a future. He's only told me about this other child, which is why I'm not really sweatin it, but he'll only take another DNA test if the mother pays for it (one was already taken, but...). So forum, give me the best advice ever before I loose my mind. Should I just consider my child's life, or should I keep things "as is" and just move on? I still do love him, but things will never be the same with him. Please holla back!
     
  2. shaneak

    shaneak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I say.. Consider your childs life and then yours...
    Then right down a list of advantages for staying and for going
    Then right down a list of disadvantages for staying and for going...

    Then weigh out your options... The positives and negatives you are willing to deal with and what you're not... Cause it sounds like you need more time to think about this... 5 years is a long time... and then blessed with a blossom....
    I pray that you may have many blessings and find the sunrays to move away those clouds... (the confusion)
     
  3. desireb16

    desireb16 Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for your insight. I have wrote my pros and cons of this situation and I'm just trying to sort through them right now. You are right that I need more time to think about this, so I will. I appreciate your help!
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    indeed sounds like he's a good man
    yet you must seek deeper within self and see what's best for you
    and your child , after all he do have a nother woman in his life
    you in cali he in chi-town yet a child was blessed unto you both
    now i agree work out all the pros & cons and allow your heart
    to feel whats real
    if you go will it last in his home town
    yet if you stay will he be loyal still unto you
    i feel you need to remain home and let the matter handle self
    if he really love you he will come for you this will let you know
    somewhat how he feel
    true love will reach but the game of love dems
    GOOD LUCK with a mystery of love
    and be very wise of the path you take...
     
  5. desireb16

    desireb16 Member MEMBER

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    Thank you $$RICH$$! I do agree with your thoughts as well. I am trying to make the best decision for my child,which is why I really need to put myself before him, so he can have a mother in the right state of mind. My Ps&Cs list is helping me seeing things visually so these thoughts can stop running in my mind. I do not have any plans to move to the Chi (no where within the next 3 mos.), so I'll have plenty of time to consider all options! Thank you again :smile:
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    most welcome ...........remember to see fit
    and knoweth of his true love for u before making
    any moves
    know where the heart lay
    seek out the facts of how will y'all make it as a whole
    a family and most of all be sure it's good for the child.

    my heart with u and prayer that it all be grand 4 u
    smile
     
  7. LadyJ

    LadyJ Member MEMBER

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    This too is my first post and I'm only going to give advice because you solicited it.

    I wouldn't move to California to be with him. It took your boyfriend 4 years to tell you he had another child? A child isn't a sweater you forgot you had. Even as a friend, but more importantly as a mother of his child and someone he loves, he shouldn't have neglected to mention that during one of the on again times. I would be worried about other things he may have neglected to tell you that would be equally important. I would also be concerned about his role in his other child's mother still 'wanting him'. Has he given her any feed back? Where does she live and what is his relationship like with the 4 year old? If he wants to be in the child's life, he can move to Chicago to be with the two of you. (This alternative may mean that he isn't in the life of his other child and how does someone determine which child needs him more?) If either of you move, I suggest you live in seperate homes until you have a chance to sort things out to your liking. Yes, it is generally important for children to have both parents around. This is not the case in every situation though. You may have to find other father figures for your child.

    Take this advice with a grain of salt because I'm not a parent.
    BEST OF LUCK
    LadyJ
     
  8. monetg

    monetg Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sis,

    Why can't he move to be with you and the child you share? Also, what were the results of the first paternity (DNA) test? What made him suddenly confess after 4 years of secrecty?
    My point is this, in my opinion there are too many unanswered questions for you to uproot yourself and your son.
     
  9. desireb16

    desireb16 Member MEMBER

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    $$RICH$$
    LadyJ
    monetg

    You all are really helping me come some conclusions I probably wouldn't have noticed on my own! Thanks for your prayer $$RICH$$, coz I really do need it!
    LadyJ, you are right that he should've told me about this way before 4 years, and he and I know he is truly in the wrong for that! I'm not worried about any other jr.'s of his runnin around, nor am I concerned about anything else he 'may be hiding.' He isn't a factor I'm considering now as a mate, it's just what's best for our child. As I stated earlier, he is in the other child's life, but that's as far as it goes in that household.
    monetg I decided to return to California after this whole other child situation came about because I was pissed off. Now I feel guilty like my child is gonna get the short end of the stick. The first test was inconclusive because it was a take-at-home test, that was probably "doctored" by the girl, so he thinks. Trust me, I have just about asked every question I could possibily conspire into my head. Now that I've completed my (advantages & disadvantages) list, the advantages are looking more appealing to me, not just in my son's favor, but in mine as well. That still don't change anything about me leaving Ca for a while.
    I appreciate you alls thoughts. Anything else to add, be sure to hit me up! :grouphug:
     
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