Black Relationships : I NEED ADVICE

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Akemia, Apr 3, 2004.

  1. Akemia

    Akemia New Member MEMBER

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    I MET THIS GUY ONLINE SEVEN MONTHS BACK. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE FOR AWHILE UNTIL WE DECIDED TO MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME. MY FIRST QUESTION TO HIM BEFORE WE EVEN MET WAS ARE YOU MARRIED AND HE REPLIED NO. SO A FEW MONTHS GO BY AND I 'M ALREADY THINKING SOMETHINGS UP WITH HIM. UNTIL THE DAY I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT. I TOLD HIM AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY HE WOULD BE THERE. BUT HE HAD SOMETHING HE WANTED TO TELL ME THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ME FACE TO FACE. HE LEFT IT IN A EMAIL STATING THAT HE WAS IN FACT MARRIED AND FOUR STEP KIDS. BUT HE WAS ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF A DIVORCE FROM HIS WIFE. OF COURSE I WAS MAD UPSETAT THE THOUGHT THAT HE LIED ABOUT BEING MARRIED BUT ALSO CAUSE HE WASN'T MAN ENOUGH TO TELL METHIS TO MY FACE. SO AFTER AWHILE I COOLED DOWN CAUSE I WANTED HIM THERE FOR HIS CHILD NOT ME. BUT WE EVENTUALLY GOT BACK TOGETHER. ONLY FOR ME TO FIND OUT ONE DAY AS HE WAS PICKING ME UP FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR LUNCH. DID I RUN INTO A GIRL FROM MY CLASS TELLING ME THAT SHE KNEW HIM AND HIS WIFE. I TOLD HER I KNEW ABOUT HIS WIFE AND THAT I KNEW THEY WERE GETTING A DIVORCE. SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID NO THEIR NOT. SHE SAID THAT FOR SOMETIME HE HAS BEEN TELLING HIS WIFE THAT HE WAS OVER HER AND HER HUSBANDS HOUSE WHEN IN FACT HE WAS WITH ME. AGAIN I'M UPSET BUT I WAIT UNTIL HE COMES OVER TO CONFRONT HIM WITH WHAT I WAS TOLD. HE CONFESSED THAT WHAT HE TOLD ME WAS A LIE. HE SAID THAT HE LIED CAUSE HE JUST WANTED TO BE WITH ME. NOW, I'M NOT MUCH FOR LYING. I TELL HIM TO LEAVE AND DON'T COME BACK . WELL, HE GIVES HIS WIFE MY NUMBER AND SHE CALLS AND I LET HER KNOW ALL THAT HE TOLD ME. ANYWAYS, HE SAID SHE SAID STARTED UP EITH MY CHILD WASN'T HIS AND HE WANTED A PATERNITY TEST I TOLD HIM NOT A PROBLEM BUT I'M NOT PAYING. EVENTUALLY HE CAME AROUND AND ADMITTED THAT HE KNEW THE CHILD WAS HIS AND THAT HE WANTED TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. HE NOT EXACTLY MAKING THINGS RIGHT BUT IN FACT F***ING THINGS UP. LONG STORY SHORT, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT OR WHAT BUT I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM. BUT AT OTHER TIMES I DON'T. I JUST NEED SOME ADVICE ON WHAT I SHOULD DO. ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION.
     
  2. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    When you love someone, you cannot just suddenly fall out of love with them despite what they have done. This man has shown you, repeatedly, that he can't be trusted. He should be a part of the baby's life, if he can be trusted with that relationship, but that is as far as your contact with him should go.
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Akemia and Welcome!

    Bless your sweet heart, i can feel the weight of the circumstances you are facing. My response is meant to encourage you to consider all possible consequences of the decisions you make, prior to making them ... from this point on.

    I don't know how old you are or any more than you've shared here, but the initial mistake was yours. To meet a man online and give him your precious self ... without knowing enough, to know whether he was married ... says more about you and your decision making process ... than it says about him. If you didn't know he was married, there's probably lots of other stuff you don't know ... yet you've already let him inside of you.

    The possible consequences of such an uninformed decision could lead to a variety of overwhelming results, such as ... pregnancy, heartbreak, love with a married man, love with a serial killer even, partial responsibility for the breakup of a home, theft, AIDS, death, and if you're lucky, true love could possibly come from such a decision, but the odds are against it.

    I don't think you should spend a lot of time thinking about "what he did to you." I'd imagine that it can only cause negative feelings in you right now, and you have a baby that needs to feel positive vibes. I think you should ponder more about, "what you did to yourself." I've found that such thinking helps me to heal regarding the poor decisions i've made. It helps me to refine my decision making process, insuring that this same thing does not happen again. We have no control of others, only control of ourselves, and if we control ourselves ... our decisions ... what other folk do or don't do, makes little difference.

    You now have to begin making better decisions than in the past, which we should all be trying to do, as we've all made some bad ones.

    Putting your energy into a "relationship" that was based on lies and foolishness, doesn't seem like a good decision to me. I don't know if you already have children, but you must begin to think of what is best for you and your child.

    It's a time consuming process ... to consider all possible consequences of a decision before you make it ... to accept full responsibility for the decisions you make ... and to improve on that process daily ... it is time consuming but never too late to start doing.

    You can begin right now ... with the decision of continuing to love a man you don't really know, and who does not love you ... ask yourself prior to continuing ... what will the end result of this be? is that what i want? can i handle all possible consequences of this choice? is it best for me and my baby? can i really trust him? ... the answers to such questions will lead you one way or another ... regardless of where it leads you, the process of making better decisions has started ... simply by considering all possible consquences.

    Hoping the best for you and your baby.

    Stay Encouraged Sister.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. Kannte

    Kannte Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi Akemia,

    Are you sure you were speaking to the wife on the phone? What proof do you have for sure it was the wife on the phone? Maybe it was a friend representing herself as the wife. Have you spoken to the wife before on the phone? He lied so everything this fella says must be questioned.

    It sounds strange that he would have his wife call you and he was hiding his wife from the beginning. Now he wants his wife to come out swinging for him like a knight to protect him from child support to his mistress?

    Hey, sometimes guys, can be devious and lie. All that on the "phone" about a test, could just be a tactic to put you off and make you think he is now on the "up and up," not lying anymore since he had the wife call you.

    Your situation is one of head/reason/motive over heart/feeling/emotive in that you said,

    " I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT OR WHAT BUT I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM. BUT AT OTHER TIMES I DON'T."

    Now if you go with your heart that means "polygamy. Which means for you, to still be with him, legitimately, the wife has to know and give her permission. And if somehow that was to happen, she may resent you for taking away from her 4 children.

    If you go with your head, well the ultimate would be drastic and you know what that is but lets not speak of the unspeakable. Or the lest extreme option would be that he would have access to the child, even if you found someone else later to settle down with. But then if you still really love him, with true love and not "romanticism," his visits to the child may lead to future involvement.

    "ADVICE ON WHAT I SHOULD DO" The final decision as to what you do is up to you. The damage is done. You can take the drastic measure to rectify it or accept the fact that Mr. Liar will be in your life for as long as he has access to your child, who he is the father of.

    So "accept" what is and what will be, or the extreme drastic.

    Peace be unto you.
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    DEEPLY FELT ....
    seem like this whole relationship took place under false love & bonding and full
    of lies untrusted worth now that you bare child and he's the father seem like he
    seeking way out or to keep you from slapping child support on him if he really is
    married you should understand the facts and let this go you need not to hold on
    to a man cause of child but indeed he should play his role as a father if he can not
    lie about that ! i feel you on the emotions of your heart racing and at the same time
    not want to go on but you feel this deeper inner love for him sometime these cross
    emotions can really stray you into a zone of unknown their was nothing wrong with
    how you met him but the facts he showed unworth and loyality to your feelings and
    heart sure he want you to step back but do what you must allow him to take care of
    his child to be and if not take action right away your heart maybe feeling broken to a
    point now but it will mend with faith and surely there are many men who and will help
    you try talking to a close friend // family member // mother if so and get their options
    on the matter but from what i read you should let him go move on and fine another
    who will be real and truthful to you and your heart the feelings and emotions keep
    your head up high and move forward for goodness is ahead he's built on lies you don't
    need this at all , his worth was proven unjustice to you ...now you have something
    far more then him to think about a life a child your baby....LET HIS RIDE OUT and go home but care for his child or action will be taken ..we all make mistakes and be mislead by the charm or beauty of a male or female at some point but the greatest
    treasure of it we learn and we move forward from it with a better understanding of
    life and the misfits this will keep the same thing from happening again GOOD LUCK
    in the tale of misstress & wife drama
     
  6. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    I feel your hurt and will add this, As being human we make alot of thoughtless mistakes. The positive side of this is, you can take this life lesson, evaluate it, learn from it, and grow. Let this be the basis in which you handle future situations of this nature. The damage is now done but the opportunity for growth will be everlasting.
    Good luck on what decision you make to overcome this hurtful situation!
    And know that the creator is still rooting for you!
    Love and light! Sweet one.
     
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