Black Relationships : I Made a Mistake

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Koolaid_smile, Mar 16, 2004.

  1. Koolaid_smile

    Koolaid_smile Active Member MEMBER

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    Excuse me if this topic is not in its right place, but I just recently made one of the worst mistakes females my age get themselves into. I have liked this guy for about a month. I gained the courage to tell him and we were flirting for awhile afterward. Last week I had sex with him. Now he doesn't talk to me, and refuses to even look at me. I know what I did was wrong :uhoh: but another big issue of mine is I still have feelings for him. I can't get over him for whatever reason even though he doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel like I messed up everything. This too shall pass, but how can I deal with it now?
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Koolaid Smile ... Welcome ... :wave:

    You said ... I just recently made one of the worst mistakes females my age get themselves into. What is your age Sister?

    In regard to the mistake ... don't beat yourself up about it too bad. If this is the worst mistake you ever make, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of us.

    For whatever reason, you chose to have sex. Many folk do that. I think the key here is in anticipating the consequences of such a decision. You obviously expected a different outcome than the one you are receiving. This happens with many decisions we make, not just the ones related to sex. The most you can do now is learn from this experience. Evaluate your decision making process from start to finish. Did it work for you? Would you do it again? Will you need more evidence that a man will remain with you after the experience, than you had this time? Was it worth it to you, giving your most precious self to him?

    The issue of still having feelings for someone who has done all he could to let you know he has no feelings for you ... is a greater mistake than the first, in my opinion. For this will only set you up for more disappointment. Is that what you want? If so, that's fine, many people remain in unfulfilling relationships for years and years. If this is what you want for your life, you're entitled to that too.

    My question would be why would you want that? Why would you want someone that does not want you? I wouldn't want someone that doesn't want me.

    In order to deal with this, you have to put yourself first. You have to love yourself enough to not disrespect yourself, by giving your sweet, wonderful, positive energy to a situation that doesn't value it or you. Focus on you. If i knew your age i could give you more specific suggestions on how to deal with it now ... so i'll wait for that info. But in the meantime, don't begin such a vicious cycle of letting anyone have your sacred self (thoughts, attention, body, Spirit, none of you) ... if they don't value it properly.

    I hope you were having as safe sex as possible.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. Koolaid_smile

    Koolaid_smile Active Member MEMBER

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    I am 17 years old. He's 16. I don't want to like him, but it is like I have forgiven him already. I wouldn't do it again with him nor would I date him, but I can't stop feeling the way I feel. I guess my poor outlook on myself is the problem and the reason why I still have feelings for him. Thank you for your lovely comment btw.
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    k Sister Koolaid Smile ... :) ... 17 is just a baby !!!! :love:

    Naww ... not really ... not just a baby ... but still very young. You are developing habits right now, that will strengthen as time passes. How you process, cope, deal, with life issues is establishing itself right now. Use this opportunity to begin doing these things properly, instead of improperly.

    For example ... this "relationship" you long for can turn out to be abusive, if you allow it ... many women in abusive relationships remain in them because they don't love and have confidence in themselves. So if you don't want a string of abusive relationships ... i'm sure you know a Sister or two that has gone through that ... then you must learn to love and have confidence in yourself ... even if no one else ever does.

    So right now, i challenge you ... to put yourself first.

    Are you putting yourself first when you give your energy to someone that doesn't want or respect it? Nope. :nono:

    Are you putting yourself first when you let a man inside your body that has not convinced you in every way, that you are his one and only true love? Nope. :nono:

    Are you putting yourself first when you risk STD's, pregnancy, a life of single motherhood, college, career, hopes and dreams? Nope. :nono:

    Are you putting yourself first when you spend time thinking of someone that is not thinking of you? Nope. :nono:

    Are you putting yourself first when you begin to lay out your life plan, your goals, where you want to be in 5, 10 years? Yes. :love:

    Are you putting yourself first when you say, "Okay fine, i made that mistake, but i shole aint make'n two!? Yes. :love:

    Are you putting yourself first when you value the gift God gave you, your self, and require that everyone else value and respect it too? Yes. :love:

    Are you putting yourself first when you seek advice / suggestions from others, on how to do better ... because you wanna do better? Yes. :love:

    So i see evidence that you are already putting yourself first ... but you must do this always ... consistently ... tell your brain that we love ourself first. Say it over and over again and it will begin to manifest itself in your decisions, actions, and thoughts.

    Instead of telling yourself you love him and miss him and want him ... please ... tell yourself you love YOU and miss YOU and want YOU ... you want the very best in you to shine ... so you must polish it Sister!! :)

    Bless your sweet heart and be careful out there.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hi Sister Koolaid Smile ... i failed to respond to the above and wanted to ... so here i am again ... :)

    Sister, my Dear Darling Sister ... i could be wrong about this, because i don't know everything that happened ... but based on what you've shared, you have no reason not to like him, nor anything to forgive him for. He didn't really do anything wrong. You gave yourself to him. You made a decision, based on what you knew ... that he was your friend and you liked him and he liked you ... you both decided to have sex. I don't suppose he promised to marry you, or be your boyfriend forever aftewards, or any such thing as that. It's probably more likely that you just kinda thought (hoped) that he'd be there for you aftewards, if nothing else, at least like he had before. It's not his fault that you thought (hoped) that. Don't be too hard on him. You are responsible for your body, thoughts, hopes, and feelings ... not him.

    When making a decision, any decision, you want to think through all the possible endings ... and be prepared to handle any one of them. You never know which one is going to happen. But you can kinda know ... for example ... if you put 2 eggs in a basket, you can kinda know that there won't be 2 apples in it when you look ... if you don't have sex you can kinda know you won't get pregnant ... see what i mean ?

    I'm kinda long-winded in case you can't tell. :) I have a 19 yr old daughter and many young ladies in this community that i have the pleasure of talking with ... i'm a true Momma, never shuts up ... :wink: ... please join us in Sister Chat Tonight @ 8 pm ET ... lots of Sisters supporting each other ... just come right on into voice chat ... www.destee.com/chat ... we also have Teen Chat on Friday nights @ 7 pm ET ... join us then too!

    As i said, if this is the worst thing you've ever done ... you're doing great!

    Stay Encouraged Sister.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  6. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Life's lessons

    Hello Kool Aid Smile,

    I think that Sister Destee has pretty much covered all the important bases in answer to your question about where to go from here. Transitioning with a partner after sex is not always easy, especially for a woman.

    My thoughts are, if you don't like the way you feel at the moment, then try to learn from the lesson. If this was more than casual sex for you, and if you generally think of sex in a more serious way, then you might want to give a lot of thought and attention to building a stronger relationship with your partner next time, before you share your body.

    Sixteen and seventeen are very young ages to be thinking about a lifetime commitment with anyone. There's so much to life and effort should be made while young to build a profitable future. Good relationships don't always have to consummate with sex, especially when you know how it can complicate matters and distract you from more important things. Having sex comes easy for many people. There's not much challenge in that. What you do with the rest of your life, is what separates the average from the above average.

    We live and hopefully we learn. I agree with Sister Destee, this isn't the worse thing that can happen to you although it might feel that way now. But that's probably because you haven't done very much in your short life. But trust us, as you live longer, there will certainly be greater challenges for you to face.

    Eventually the hurt feelings will dissipate. The memories might last a long time, but hopefully, so will the lesson. We all have the choice to either be wise or stupid. Which do you prefer?

    Blessings to you,
    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  7. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Kool aid

    Sister,
    I want you to know that you are not alone. Yes you made a mistake, but don't let this mistake be the only thing that you've gained out of this situation. This boy may not be speaking to you, but go on. Life doesn't end there. Don't waste your time over someone who's not respecting you like you should be respected.Yes he hurt you, but now you're stronger. Don't lQQk for others to give you the love you need,seek and desire because the love you seek is right there in your heart.Learn to love yourself FIRST!!!!!... You're still pretty young, and I want to tell you now, the world will let you down many times. People will turn on you in the blink of an eye. Be wise in your choices and if you ever need help, we're right here. Sister, just know that man's love is everchanging, but only God's love is everlasting.

    Nita
     
  8. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    my young sister
    I really don't have anything to add..sister destee seems to have made all the points and asked all the questions and sister NNQueen and Nita have also sent you the continuing message
    I write to say i support you as they do...you sent a message saying you made a mistake...so woman to woman or girl to girl ... as a member of the same tribe - I am here also to lend support and let you know, as they have, that it is part of the life experience and how you grow from it depends on you ... know that we, females,(not to deny the good brothers) want to help and support you in anyway we can.
     
  9. Solo

    Solo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey...

    I don't really post here often, even though I think this is a nice place. Anyway, I just came across this and wanted to add my two cents as a man. Okay, so you shouldn't have slept with the guy. Every grown person who has had sex can say they've slept with someone they shouldn't have, men and women both. Let it go and move on. If the guy is ignoring you then forget about him. Why would he ignore you now when you were good enough to sleep with? That my dear is what we call a loser, so lose him.

    You didn't do anything wrong. You BOTH had sex, so don't waste time worrying about what he thinks and go on about your business. Also, be more patient and selective the next time you have sex. Be sure that there is some sort of committment or understanding between the two of you before you dive in.

    Good luck.
     
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