Excuse me if this topic is not in its right place, but I just recently made one of the worst mistakes females my age get themselves into. I have liked this guy for about a month. I gained the courage to tell him and we were flirting for awhile afterward. Last week I had sex with him. Now he doesn't talk to me, and refuses to even look at me. I know what I did was wrong :uhoh: but another big issue of mine is I still have feelings for him. I can't get over him for whatever reason even though he doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel like I messed up everything. This too shall pass, but how can I deal with it now?
Black Relationships : I Made a Mistake
- Thread starter Koolaid_smile
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Hello Koolaid Smile ... Welcome ... 
You said ... I just recently made one of the worst mistakes females my age get themselves into. What is your age Sister?
In regard to the mistake ... don't beat yourself up about it too bad. If this is the worst mistake you ever make, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of us.
For whatever reason, you chose to have sex. Many folk do that. I think the key here is in anticipating the consequences of such a decision. You obviously expected a different outcome than the one you are receiving. This happens with many decisions we make, not just the ones related to sex. The most you can do now is learn from this experience. Evaluate your decision making process from start to finish. Did it work for you? Would you do it again? Will you need more evidence that a man will remain with you after the experience, than you had this time? Was it worth it to you, giving your most precious self to him?
The issue of still having feelings for someone who has done all he could to let you know he has no feelings for you ... is a greater mistake than the first, in my opinion. For this will only set you up for more disappointment. Is that what you want? If so, that's fine, many people remain in unfulfilling relationships for years and years. If this is what you want for your life, you're entitled to that too.
My question would be why would you want that? Why would you want someone that does not want you? I wouldn't want someone that doesn't want me.
In order to deal with this, you have to put yourself first. You have to love yourself enough to not disrespect yourself, by giving your sweet, wonderful, positive energy to a situation that doesn't value it or you. Focus on you. If i knew your age i could give you more specific suggestions on how to deal with it now ... so i'll wait for that info. But in the meantime, don't begin such a vicious cycle of letting anyone have your sacred self (thoughts, attention, body, Spirit, none of you) ... if they don't value it properly.
I hope you were having as safe sex as possible.
Destee
You said ... I just recently made one of the worst mistakes females my age get themselves into. What is your age Sister?
In regard to the mistake ... don't beat yourself up about it too bad. If this is the worst mistake you ever make, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of us.
For whatever reason, you chose to have sex. Many folk do that. I think the key here is in anticipating the consequences of such a decision. You obviously expected a different outcome than the one you are receiving. This happens with many decisions we make, not just the ones related to sex. The most you can do now is learn from this experience. Evaluate your decision making process from start to finish. Did it work for you? Would you do it again? Will you need more evidence that a man will remain with you after the experience, than you had this time? Was it worth it to you, giving your most precious self to him?
The issue of still having feelings for someone who has done all he could to let you know he has no feelings for you ... is a greater mistake than the first, in my opinion. For this will only set you up for more disappointment. Is that what you want? If so, that's fine, many people remain in unfulfilling relationships for years and years. If this is what you want for your life, you're entitled to that too.
My question would be why would you want that? Why would you want someone that does not want you? I wouldn't want someone that doesn't want me.
In order to deal with this, you have to put yourself first. You have to love yourself enough to not disrespect yourself, by giving your sweet, wonderful, positive energy to a situation that doesn't value it or you. Focus on you. If i knew your age i could give you more specific suggestions on how to deal with it now ... so i'll wait for that info. But in the meantime, don't begin such a vicious cycle of letting anyone have your sacred self (thoughts, attention, body, Spirit, none of you) ... if they don't value it properly.
I hope you were having as safe sex as possible.
Destee
I am 17 years old. He's 16. I don't want to like him, but it is like I have forgiven him already. I wouldn't do it again with him nor would I date him, but I can't stop feeling the way I feel. I guess my poor outlook on myself is the problem and the reason why I still have feelings for him. Thank you for your lovely comment btw.
k Sister Koolaid Smile ... 
... 17 is just a baby !!!! 
Naww ... not really ... not just a baby ... but still very young. You are developing habits right now, that will strengthen as time passes. How you process, cope, deal, with life issues is establishing itself right now. Use this opportunity to begin doing these things properly, instead of improperly.
For example ... this "relationship" you long for can turn out to be abusive, if you allow it ... many women in abusive relationships remain in them because they don't love and have confidence in themselves. So if you don't want a string of abusive relationships ... i'm sure you know a Sister or two that has gone through that ... then you must learn to love and have confidence in yourself ... even if no one else ever does.
So right now, i challenge you ... to put yourself first.
Are you putting yourself first when you give your energy to someone that doesn't want or respect it? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you let a man inside your body that has not convinced you in every way, that you are his one and only true love? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you risk STD's, pregnancy, a life of single motherhood, college, career, hopes and dreams? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you spend time thinking of someone that is not thinking of you? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you begin to lay out your life plan, your goals, where you want to be in 5, 10 years? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you say, "Okay fine, i made that mistake, but i shole aint make'n two!? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you value the gift God gave you, your self, and require that everyone else value and respect it too? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you seek advice / suggestions from others, on how to do better ... because you wanna do better? Yes.
So i see evidence that you are already putting yourself first ... but you must do this always ... consistently ... tell your brain that we love ourself first. Say it over and over again and it will begin to manifest itself in your decisions, actions, and thoughts.
Instead of telling yourself you love him and miss him and want him ... please ... tell yourself you love YOU and miss YOU and want YOU ... you want the very best in you to shine ... so you must polish it Sister!!
Bless your sweet heart and be careful out there.
Much Love and Peace.
Destee
... 17 is just a baby !!!! Naww ... not really ... not just a baby ... but still very young. You are developing habits right now, that will strengthen as time passes. How you process, cope, deal, with life issues is establishing itself right now. Use this opportunity to begin doing these things properly, instead of improperly.
For example ... this "relationship" you long for can turn out to be abusive, if you allow it ... many women in abusive relationships remain in them because they don't love and have confidence in themselves. So if you don't want a string of abusive relationships ... i'm sure you know a Sister or two that has gone through that ... then you must learn to love and have confidence in yourself ... even if no one else ever does.
So right now, i challenge you ... to put yourself first.
Are you putting yourself first when you give your energy to someone that doesn't want or respect it? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you let a man inside your body that has not convinced you in every way, that you are his one and only true love? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you risk STD's, pregnancy, a life of single motherhood, college, career, hopes and dreams? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you spend time thinking of someone that is not thinking of you? Nope.
Are you putting yourself first when you begin to lay out your life plan, your goals, where you want to be in 5, 10 years? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you say, "Okay fine, i made that mistake, but i shole aint make'n two!? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you value the gift God gave you, your self, and require that everyone else value and respect it too? Yes.
Are you putting yourself first when you seek advice / suggestions from others, on how to do better ... because you wanna do better? Yes.
So i see evidence that you are already putting yourself first ... but you must do this always ... consistently ... tell your brain that we love ourself first. Say it over and over again and it will begin to manifest itself in your decisions, actions, and thoughts.
Instead of telling yourself you love him and miss him and want him ... please ... tell yourself you love YOU and miss YOU and want YOU ... you want the very best in you to shine ... so you must polish it Sister!!
Bless your sweet heart and be careful out there.
Much Love and Peace.
Destee
Koolaid_smile said:
Hi Sister Koolaid Smile ... i failed to respond to the above and wanted to ... so here i am again ...
Sister, my Dear Darling Sister ... i could be wrong about this, because i don't know everything that happened ... but based on what you've shared, you have no reason not to like him, nor anything to forgive him for. He didn't really do anything wrong. You gave yourself to him. You made a decision, based on what you knew ... that he was your friend and you liked him and he liked you ... you both decided to have sex. I don't suppose he promised to marry you, or be your boyfriend forever aftewards, or any such thing as that. It's probably more likely that you just kinda thought (hoped) that he'd be there for you aftewards, if nothing else, at least like he had before. It's not his fault that you thought (hoped) that. Don't be too hard on him. You are responsible for your body, thoughts, hopes, and feelings ... not him.
When making a decision, any decision, you want to think through all the possible endings ... and be prepared to handle any one of them. You never know which one is going to happen. But you can kinda know ... for example ... if you put 2 eggs in a basket, you can kinda know that there won't be 2 apples in it when you look ... if you don't have sex you can kinda know you won't get pregnant ... see what i mean ?
I'm kinda long-winded in case you can't tell.
I have a 19 yr old daughter and many young ladies in this community that i have the pleasure of talking with ... i'm a true Momma, never shuts up ... 
... please join us in Sister Chat Tonight @ 8 pm ET ... lots of Sisters supporting each other ... just come right on into voice chat ... www.destee.com/chat ... we also have Teen Chat on Friday nights @ 7 pm ET ... join us then too!As i said, if this is the worst thing you've ever done ... you're doing great!
Stay Encouraged Sister.
Destee
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