Black Short Stories : I love You...

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Ulysses E Taylor, Aug 5, 2013.

  1. Ulysses E Taylor

    Ulysses E Taylor Member MEMBER

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    I LOVE You
    We were always arguing. Today was no different. It was 8:00 on the morning im trying to get ready for work. All she do is nag. "That's why we not having sex now, " I thought. She was crying packing her bags. She was done. It had 11 years of marriage now you done. **** her I don't care. I did though. My stubborn *** wasn't going to let her know that though. I walked into the bedroom from the bathro...om and she's throwing her belongings in the suitcase. I could hear the early morning traffic from the window. "Why you have to do this silly mess? " I asked. She stopped and looked at me. Her eyes were red. She had been up all night crying anyway. Her face was sunken in. Her hair was a mess. "She's still my beautiful wife," I'm thinking. But im not going to tell her that. **** her, leave then. She was searching my face for me to say something. I didn't. I continued getting ready for work. I threw on my shirt, tie, and jacket and walked out the bedroom to the front door. She came from behind me and grabbed my arm. I snatched it back from her and reached for my briefcase. She reached again. I snatched again. I had my hand on the doorknob and she didn't reach this time. She just said "bae I'll be gone when you get back. I don't know where we went wrong. If you tell me you love me I'll stay." I looked back at her and my stubborn *** didn't say a word. I opened the door and walked out. She didn't let the door close behind me though. She stood in the doorway and watched me walk down the front stairs. The car was on the other side of the street. I don't know what was going through my mind. I wasn't paying attention as I walked into street. I heard her SCREAM " BAE!" I turned to look at her and didn't get a chance to say anything. The u haul truck hit me so hard. It knocked me into my car. I heard brakes. I felt broken bones. I tasted blood. I smelled burnt rubber. I saw her running to me screaming. I fell. She was over me. Im losing myself. She looked down at me and i couldn't hear,feel, taste, smell anything anymore. I still saw her though. I looked up at her gave her a bloody grin..."I love you bae," I told her.
     
  2. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    pride can be a terrible thing...when it stops you from telling the one you love how you feel. this is a grim reminder of how precious our time together really is...and how it only takes a second to change everything.

    criticism: in all your stories, you should dedicate a little time to proof-reading--get rid of the misspellings...and make sure your choice of words says what you want them to say.
     
  3. Ulysses E Taylor

    Ulysses E Taylor Member MEMBER

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    Yes I really need to lol...Thank you for reading it. I've started doing that hopefully I won't keep getting so distracted by the story line to remember to proofread...*taking notes*.
     
  4. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm noticing a pattern of shock. Though I agree with the above criticism regarding proofreading. There's also a need to make the character speak and be consistent. It seems like you are speaking through your character too much and adding too many extra voices.

    I think that if you want the narrator to be a character in realtime, you also want to be realistic. If the man is hit by a car, I doubt that he narrates, "The u haul truck hit me so hard. It knocked me into my car. I heard brakes. I felt broken bones. I tasted blood. I smelled burnt rubber. I saw her running to me screaming."

    Maybe he would narrate more what he is actively doing--i.e. clawing for life, trying to pull himself from the road, screaming in pain, chanting a prayer etc. Though make it consistent with his character.
     
  5. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    You're a born story-teller in the tradition of O. Henry. Which is why when the guy walks out the front door, I know that something untoward is going to happen. Unfortunately, I knew in my gut what was coming. i.e., that he would be hit by a car/U-haul. The casual reader should not be able to "guess" the endings of your stories 'with a twist.'

    O. Henry gave us a "surprise" twist. You are sticking too close to what is common wisdom, sentiment, the human reality, rather than going out on a limb and trusting in your imagination for a more interesting, 'off-beat' twist.
     
  6. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Wow. Fantastic imagery.. beautiful impact. In such a short space, you make us care for both characters.. that's not easy to do.
     
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