Poetry Critiques : I am From (feedback pwweeaassee)

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Nubian One, Aug 17, 2005.

  1. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I not really fond of my writing which is why I dont share anything.. when I write I basically write for myself.. writing is my outlet.. anywhoo.. here's a lil something.. hopefully you can follow it.. *shrugs*

    Allow me to take you on a journey
    ... a journey of ups and downs, highs and lows.

    As singer Lauryn Hill once stated
    ... “Fantasy is what people want, but
    reality is what they need”

    Here is my journey..one I call life….
    Let me take you to where I am from.

    I am from a land of anthrax and terrorist attacks
    … the so called land of the free and home of the brave. –America

    I am from the place where a cracked bell resides
    …and cheese steaks are craved. - Philadelphia

    I am from a vast, cold and harsh world that loves
    … to hate you, a world where there’s a growing distrust
    and hatred between cultures, countries and even neighbors.

    I am from a place where roaring lions seek to devour whomever
    … they meet ready and willing to sift us all as wheat.

    I decided to take a page from Big Brother Moses
    … and march some much needed truth down from the mountain top.

    I am from a people who were beaten, robbed, lynched, tortured,
    … raped, murdered, stripped and degraded mentally, physically
    and emotionally.

    I am from a generation of missing children and women
    … and a place where I am deafened by the media’s silence.

    I am from a place where grief stricken families struggle to bring
    … national attention to their lost loved ones, they sift through the
    clues and pray for a miracle. - “Have you seen her?” –is their song.

    I am from a place where women battle the myth
    … that we’re incompetent, inferior and inarticulate
    Yes, I am here to prove otherwise

    I am from a place that is often visited by the roots of
    … insecurity and it's first cousin low self esteem…

    I am from a place where man has continued
    … his quest to know, love and impress women
    with stubborn persistence.

    I am from a continuum of self doubt
    … the tad of apprehension you feel at times
    don’t compare with the dread I face daily.

    I am from missed opportunities, non stop worrying
    … and a leak in my bliss tank, but I will never let fear
    triumph and mediocrity conquer me.

    I am from a place where the BIG I- insecurity, wasn’t talked
    … about too often, leading me to internalize my expressions
    for fear of rejection.

    I am from a place where I was raised to identify with the other
    … BIG I- invincibility, now realizing that we are all just human.

    I am a classically trained jazz pianist with a Neo-Soul way of life.
    … I am the declaration of sensitivity, musical talent, sensuality,
    and spiritual growth.

    I am from a normal yet eclectic family of singers, musicians, artists
    … and visionaries. A family that admires my perfectly imperfect self.

    I am from a family of strong women; my Aunts were ‘take no mess’
    … women and when I cried I wasn’t always comforted with a hug yet
    I got words to make me toughen up.

    I am from a place where to have a solid educational background,
    … financial stability and spiritual growth is valued and appreciated.

    I am a brilliant, unbelievably blessed and a beautiful mosaic
    .. made up of a little of this and little of that.

    I am the reality of a fantasy land. ..
    … I am a medium for urban consciousness.

    .. I am from a flare of fusion, I am unique, AND I am me
    -----

    thoughts, ideas, anything... ?
     
  2. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    this is ish must really suck...
     
  3. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Let me be the first to give a "Standing Ovation" to you and this piece, I enjoyed it to the upmost. Well written, awesome piece of work poet.
     
  4. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Awwwwwwwwwww sister it does NOT suck at all....

    before I offer my two cents you must understand something...

    This is a fairly new forum that was started not too much before the recipe forum...

    A lot of folks have problems recieving AND giving critique...

    So be patient my dedicated young sistah :read:
    ___________________________________________________

    My own personal opinion sistah...I LOVED IT

    I think the concept is beautiful and sweet and BOLD all wrapped in one

    Now the ONLY critique I would offer is that ... well when you being

    you are from so many grandeur places and you reconnect it back to you

    I like that...I like how you start from a big picture and then narrow it down to you

    It would be nice when you are speaking of yourself and you start to bring it to an end

    get a little bit more detailed...get more passionate...you used a lot of the same idealogoy when describing yourself as you did the world

    which is fine except...this is not just the world anymore this is about YOU now

    you want that last line to really stick out
    that line about your aunts is a PERFECT example...
    see THAT is unique... the world doesnt ALL have that YOU have that

    make yourself stand out more

    you dont want uniformity between you and the world that you are from

    get "raw" so to speak with your own description...

    what inspired you to be musical??? Any of our ancestors? Your own ancestors?

    was it okay for you to not cry?? how did that make you feel inside??? did that build you up???

    what has prepared you against the world...what phenomenon of life made you...YOU?

    see where I am going sister?

    that is all I have to offer :read: I really did love it :great: but I dont think it is the best you have :)

    PERSONALLY sistah from what i have gathered from your posts and poems (i read more often than i post its a lack of time kina thang)

    There is a fire in the pit of your soul... It is your own self awareness that attempts to control it

    i can imagine that when you are musical or poetic it begs to be expressed...

    dont hold back here sistah...let loose in all the verbal expressions possible the CENTER of your power and inspiration :read:

    :read: I look forward to the results :)
     
  5. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If I could give you a hug right now God knows I would... seriously.. I think a hug would do me some good right now anyway..

    I really really really appreciate the feedback.. Actually I think Imma print out what you wrote and reread it on the train ride home from the job. Gettin feedback like this really motivates me to go back and revise my work. As I wrote in an essay I posted a while ago in the Short Stories forum, Sometimes we need someone to help pull out the potential that lies within us.. Thank you sooo much Sister...

    Wow, that really hits home.. As I think I mentioned b4, I don't really open up to people..which is why I look to my music playing and writing as my outlet and even in them a suppress whats inside.. *sighs*.. I'll stop write there cuz I could go on and on..

    In any case,

    ~much love and respect~

    I'll definitely be back w/ additions, changes, etc..

    -Na' Za
     
  6. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    :) my dearest sister :grouphug: :) I spose that is as close to a hug as we gon get huh lol

    My granny, mother, sister and myself have what the ancestors in our islands call "au loa mea"

    all it means is that a part of our spirit makes it easier to connect with our people.

    Feel free to go "on and on" sister :) after all we are family here and what is family for if not for sharing growth and lil insanity ;) :)
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this poem was a sweet release
    at every break and mend the concept
    was on point and i love it , don't change a thing
    very nice and priceless
     
  8. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    wow...i've been gone for awhile from this forum and this is the first poem that i have read over here...i must say that i am truly impressed with they way that you laid down a mosaic of yourself...when writting about yourself all that is needed is to give the reader a clear picture of who you are and what you are all about....both of those aspects you covered extremely well....i loved all of you poem of self expression but this stanza was my favorite...

    I am from a place where women battle the myth
    … that we’re incompetent, inferior and inarticulate
    Yes, I am here to prove otherwise


    i challenge you to keep writting musician/poet... :)

    one love
    khasm