Black Relationships : How to deal with your partner's *Depression*

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by sweet apple*pie, Jun 7, 2008.

  1. sweet apple*pie

    sweet apple*pie Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am just getting out of a relationship, in which my partner was depressed...alot of the time. I loved him, but it seemed aso if he was always down about something. It was like he always had a dark cloud over him. He made me feel down about life too. As time went on, I found that I was draining myself, in my attempt to pick up his spirits. Nothing made him really happy...at most, content. It became a full time job for me to deal with his depression.....I felt like saying *snap out of it!* I got so tired of him destroying my perception of life, that I got a psychiatrist for him. Kicking and Screaming he went, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar.....now he is taking 3-4 different meds.....i tried to stick around to see how this would help...but by this point the emotional damage had already been done....he had become very abusive in many ways........

    Anyone else dealing with someone with depression, and are SICK and TIRED of them being *down* all the time? Are you sick of having your light being snuffed out by their dark, distorted perception of the world? The littlest things piss them off? You can never detect their mood swings from day to day? If you feel me, please holla.....


    :skillet: SNaP Out OF iT!!!!
     
  2. Ionlyspeaktruth

    Ionlyspeaktruth Banned

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    I see why they call you "sweet". :run::run:
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I've seen many in this state of mind and seem to bring everything and everyone around them down
    i think these people who suffer bi-polar need to be treated and given time to fine
    themselves and the goodness of life and people who love them the most .

    No i never been through this but have been on the same page somewhat where
    she felt doing wrong was the answer to her problem.
     
  4. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Greetings sweet apple *pie!

    First...Thank You Brother $$RICH$$ for posting and bringing this back up.

    sweet apple*pie
    I remember reading this when you first posted yet was not in a space to reply. My initial thoughts then are probably pretty much the same as they are now.
    The long and short of it as I have come to know is this.....

    When someone is "depressed" it helps to help them identify and talk about what they are ANGRY about.

    In a nutshell, "depression" is a depressing or pushing down...suppression of the emotion ANGER. The best way I have found to support someone is to help them identify and express that which is supporting the ANGER.

    "Anger" as an emotion is a signal that an INJUSTICE is happening or has happened in their life.

    In the end, it has been beneficial for me to have a safe space to identify and appropriately express the anger. Once that is done AND...the FEELINGS are Validated....not minimized, marginalized nor "managed" instead....acknowledged as JUSTIFIED....then work can happen to determine what to do next.

    Of course, I have SOOOOOOOO much more to say to this and therefore....I'm going to make it the topic on my blogtalkradio show this Saturday!
    As I'm active in my "field" again, I am seeing and hearing the very painful stories of Folks of Afreekan Descent who are VICTIMS in this shystem of racism/white lunacy! It is TOUGH work and I ..for the most part....LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! When I see the spark of life in the face of an Afreekan Descendant....behind the haze of medications :nono::( as they struggle to get FREE from substances and other meds. they use to manage the ANGER and PAIN of having been VICTIMIZED since coming to this earth...Afreekan, then it's worth my carrying their stories in my heart and mind and Spirit!. Taking that journey with them...towards....RECOVERY.

    Anyway I can appreciate the desire to beat him over the head...however....that's prolly the main reason he depressed now. Having been beat over the head with racist logic and lifestyle. Having had a pile of ish dumped on him (and her @ $$RICH$$)....a pile of WHITE-OUT....aka...spilt milk.


    M.E.
    :hearts2:
     
  5. phynxofkemet

    phynxofkemet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you




    What you've written is so very true and accurate. I have had bouts of depression since I was twelve years old. Every "episode" occured after a perceived injustice in my life, one in which I had no place to vent my anger which was very justified.

    And these events can skew one's perception of life - it can be hard to trust again that life is on your side, especially when the loss seems severe.

    I am recovering from a recent "decent" - and keeping my balance in spite of the ongoing changes and disruptions around me. I am staying grounded and moving through life breath by breath, allowing the Creator to remove from my life, those things and people that are not a part of my recovery and my success. I recognize that in order to heal my wounds, the old me that once held onto relationships out of loyalty and duty, has to give way to a dedicated self-love and selfishness. I deserve the blessings that come into my life, and I deserve to be happy, even if it means I do that without the bloodlines of my tribe.

    My personal anger was a combination of dealing with the WPS and my own internal family unit that sold out to the White system more than once.

    I give thanks today that I've survived, and am on my way back to letting the Creator lift me up and surround me with the love, peace and abundance I deserve! The persons involved will not take responsibility for the choices they made, and I can now accept that without needing revenge - that part took a long time.

    I discovered that forgiveness is about letting go, of the need for revenge. Letting go for the sake of my Spirit, and knowing that what they did was wrong, but it doesn't have to haunt me.

    A family member used to tell me, forgive but don't forget, I have to say that I agree with them!
     
  6. Each1teach1

    Each1teach1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow! Breath, Stretch, Shake, let it go!


    Hello sis,

    I never thought I would talk about this on here but its theraputic for me even now as I havent talked much about it. Almost 3 years ago I ran away from a situation similar to yours. I was in a relationship with a man who was bi-polar/manic deppressive for 3 years. I had met him when I was 17 and a freshman in college. He had told me in the begining that he had some issues, ( I had no clue on how serious they were, I should have headed for the hills then.) At first our relationship was beautiful, it started out as a whirlwind romance. He did everything for me, took me anywhere I wanted to go and brought me everything I asked for whenever I asked. However, I later came to see that not only was he physco, he was also an abuser. He was an anti social isolationist who barely had friends and didnt want me to have any either. He was constantly paranoid thinking everyone was out to get him. For three years I endured constant accusations,fights, belittlement and abuse both verbal and physical. He would go thru my cell, call my male friends question and threaten them and beat one of them up. There were good days and bad (mostly bad). It eventually would get to a point where he had black outs, I knew because the look on his face completely changed as if he were another person. I found out about his bipolar disorder because I found perscription for Lithium in the glovebox of his car still full. It had been perscribed more than a year earlier. He wasnt taking his meds and refused to saying that they made him feel like a zombie.
    The situation go really bad he was having atleast two episodes a week by the end of our relationship. I really cant go into too much detail because its very painful even to reacall and it would take too much to write. Everyone on campus where we went to school knew he was crazy and stayed away from him some even warned me in the begining. The final straw came when he accused me of cheating with someone we both knew, I knew he was having an episode that night so I tried to avoid. I went to sleep in his apartment that night only to wake up staring at the barrel of a 357 (one of the many guns he owned) He forced me out of bed and began to accuse me of cheating in his paranoid delusional state. Luckily somehow by the grace of god I was able to get him to put the gun down. I immediately unloaded the gun and left while he was sobbing in the corner. (thinking back I wanted to beat his *** with that gun for aiming it at me) That wasnt even the end of the ordeal he later followed me and assulted me outside. Luckily I had a friend to pick me up cuz i wasnt driving at the time. He called me for weeks after that. He called with all the Im sorries and such, I continued to ignore his calls and doged him on campus. I called the police this time like I should have so many others, but it was to no avail. In the state that I was living in you could not get a restraining order against an abuser or claim abuse unless you were living with the person. (which is why that state has the highest rate of murdered women in domestic abuse cases) smdh! It wasnt until september of 05 a few months after the ordeal that I ran into him again after months of sucessful dodging efforts. This time he was harrassing one of my best friends who was a member of a large frat on campus. He had a few of his loser friends with him too. I tried to get out of sight but he had already noticed me as I was walking directly toward him. Without going into great detail he caused a scene in front of many people and attempted to assault me and two of my friends. He ended up macing the guy he was harrasing after the guy got a few licks in on him. After filing charges against him and moving I never had a problem from him again although a slight chill ran through me when I saw him on the yard in 07 for the first time in 2 years.

    To any sister or brother going thru this,

    This is the short version of the story, I had the courage to tell my story in public for the first time in 06 during a workshop on domestic violence and mental health issues in the black community. I say that to say this run...No one should have to go through this its not worth the mental and physical hurt and abuse. Love does not hurt and should not hurt. Dont feel bad about the situation its not your fault and dont feel responsible for your abuser. Once you realize that you will regain control of your life and have the power to get out. If your partner does not want to take his or her meds to keep them from having episodes, please dont feel compelled to stay and help them if they dont want to help themselves. I once felt reponsible for my ex, but I had to learn the truth, that we were going through turmoil because he refused to take his meds not me and I couldnt continue to let him drag me down because of it. If you are a person going thru bipolar/manic please help yourself to your meds and seek assistance in therapy by talking to a professional or a good friend who will listen. I wish you the best and pray that it helps.
     
  7. lilpea

    lilpea Moderator STAFF

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    Hello Sister..

    Like most of us I too have had my moments of depression and have been through treatment for it...but the hardest thing for me was to go through it and not have my partner willing to go to treatment with me... thus leaving things unattended if u know what i mean....any advice?
     
  8. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I was thinking along the same lines, lilpea. If one 'loves' their partner and if the partner is aware of his/her behaviour and is trying to correct it, leaving them struggle alone is a whole nother level of... cruelty. No-one snaps out of a depression - it takes time and continued effort to remain aware and deal - and although very difficult/tough, understanding it is half the battle won.
     
  9. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    That said, Ive been dealing with depression most of my life - my mother was a manic depressive of the worst kind - us kids were beaten black/blue/bloody on a whim.. she once ran my brother down with her car! :lol: You'd be sitting in school, and she'd barge in, in a rage, drag you out by the hair cause you forgot something last week - that crazy type behaviour :lol: Also had many zombie stages, depending on her meds..

    As the family peacekeeper, I learnt to deal with this quite young and well into adulthood I found I actually attracted depressed people, becoming what they perceived as their lifeline. man, I got depressed! ;) I knew how to deal with symptoms of the illness, not the cause.

    One of my majors was Industrial Psych which I expanded on to understand these chemical imbalances of the brain.. thus can now set boundaries to a point where folks cant bring me down with them, and nor do I feel frustrated dealing with them. it's a win/win.
     
  10. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i apologize

    i am sorry that you had to go through that.

    peace
     
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