Black Relationships : How Far Do You Go?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by river, Aug 16, 2005.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    After reading and posting on all the threads about what sistas and brothas find attractive and unattractive--what turns them on and off, what difference has it made in your behavior?

    Do you say so and so doesn't like this so I will change or do you say so and so doesn't like this, so what?

    In the sista's forum Brotha Sek started a thread about whether women compete with each other. This thread is for both men and women.

    I think the worst kind of competition is when you compete with someone who doesn't even exist. A fantasy in someone's mind about the perfect partner. This fantasy partner never does, says, wears or eats anything the person doesn't like. How can you compete with someone like that? Of course in any relationship some concessions must be made But you'll never be the man or woman of the person's dreams; though you could be the man or woman of their realities.

    How far do you go? What's your criteria for deciding when and if you will make concessions or grow in a certain area to be more pleasing to a partner or prospective partner?
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    partner? what's a partner........?

    when you get my age you don't have to worry bout stuff like that.
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    but on the real...........

    i feel no need to compete.
    i feel no need to change and grow for some one else.

    i compete with my self.
    i grow for myself.
    i grow because i live.

    it has been a long time since i have seen anyone who would make me even feel like that.
    may be impossible.
     
  4. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My Only Beef is the Short People.

    That is as far as I go. If she under 5'9 it just aint gone work.
     
  5. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sometimes people mistake aligning yourself with someone who shares the same interest/beliefs as looking for the perfect mate. There is no such thing as the perfect mate. In my opinion, it makes no sense to continuously go after men/women who you pretty much have nothing in common with. Sometimes you are continuosly trying to get each other to change to make yourself feel comfortable or one ends up with the short stick trying to please the other. Then that's when you overlook your needs and interest and start sacdrificing yourself to "please" the other. Plus you shouldn't feel the need to compete with your mate at all. I think if two people have more to gain than lose, then they should take the differences and try to grow together if possible with the least amount of struggle. Maybe it could be a fantasy and maybe not. Who are we to judge?

    I can only speak for myself in knowing that I have posted to these threads as well, but for me its about learning and giving. I only use the name Wisdom in the sense that I am seeking it and have no problem in asking others for theirs.

    Peace and Love
     
  6. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Any growth or change in behavior should focus on one's personal advancement, not to satisfy someone else. Self improvement should always be a goal of everyone, as should self love. It is impossible to love someone else unless you love yourself first. It is the love of self, which allows people to have a balanced relationship. If a person who isn't complete enters a relationship, they often lose their identity trying to please someone else. The ultimate result is always misery.

    I say all that for a reason. People (especially women) often make the mistake of changing their personality to catch a mate. Those types of personality changes are always temporary. For the most part though people do make some alterations and improvements...you are who you are! Rather than change who you are, it is better to love oneself and find someone that matches your personality.
     
  7. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    So the sistas have to understand that when the brothas say they like this or they like that it's for someone who already is or who is already bent on growing in that direction. When we let it hang over our heads like a biscuit we're setting ourselves up. The reverse is also true of brothas bending themselves out of shape for a woman.

    I look at these lists and if it sounds like me I just may talk to the brotha. But if it doesn't sound like me--it's not me.
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You got it sister River!
     
  9. notbeautiful

    notbeautiful Active Member MEMBER

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    That's pretty messed up that people would feel the need to change themselves to accomodate someone else. What attracted you to me in the first place if you want me to change. I change for no one. The only exception I might make is if someone suggests something to me that would help me grow as a person. But I'd never change who I am for you nor would I dare ask you to change for me. That's disrespectful.
     
  10. PoeticManifesta

    PoeticManifesta Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I lost 20lbs so that I would appeal to a broader spectrum of guys.. even though i was taken.. there was nothin like. .knowin an extra 100+ men were now attracted to me. It assured me that if I was now prime real estate.. tha tmy man was going to hold onto his investment.