Black Women : "He's outta control!" What would you do?

Discussion in 'Black Women - Mothers - Sisters - Daughters' started by queensweet, May 16, 2013.

  1. queensweet

    queensweet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My aunt is having a lot of problems with my 15 year old cousin. Here are the issues:

    1. Paternal granny and father have told him that his mother gets $800 per month in CS (a lie, she gets $650 per month). My aunt explained to him that it is a lie (MD CS goes by BOTH parents income. My aunt is an engineer and her ex is an assistant manager at Rent-A-Center. you do the math!).

    2. Paternal granny and father have been encouraging my cousin to go home when he fills like going home (after spending the weekend with them) - not on Sunday at 6 p.m. So my aunt did not open the door when he finally decided to show up. She has also told paternal granny and father about themselves in encouraging this behavior but they pretend that it was her son whom decided not to go home.


    3. My cousin has been real disrespectful towards my aunt by not following the household rules, not going to school (she told me that the school called to tell her that she will be charged with his truancy) and destroying items in her apartment she is renting.

    4. My cousin made false allegations against my aunt with cps stating that she has been abusing him. I know it never happened.

    5. He is now over his paternal granny's house where he gets it easy.

    I told my aunt the following:
    1. Seek out a consultation with a lawyer.

    2. Try to get him into therapy.


    This is a mess as you can see. My aunt has been hurting and decided to leave him where she is since she is being investigated and is at jeopardy of losing her career and having her reputation marred. According to my aunt, all this didn't come about until ex had to pay an increase in cs which he argued with the attorney about at the meeting. smdh.


    Do you think I gave her the right advice? What would you tell her to do? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
     
  2. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Then he can go live out the rest of his life with paternal granny and daddy...
    He's 15 years old...and he's at a very impressionable year(s) in his life. He's going to listen to the parent who gives him what he wants and allows him to get away murder (hypothetically).
    What's 3 years that he can stay with his dad, if he clearly likes being there and gets away with everything?
    That will only last so long...soon he will be getting away with so much, that they will lose control.
    I say...let him be where he his...
     
  3. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    And another thing...The paternal grandmother and father are dead wrong for talking about how much money the other parent receives in CS...it would be wrong if vice versa she was to tell her son how much the father pays in CS...that isn't the child's business.
     
  4. queensweet

    queensweet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Preach, sista, preach! When he was 13 years old he was ridiculous. People were so judgmental of my aunt saying things like "you are letting them run over you" and "if you let him go with them, you will be hit with cs and taken for custody". My aunt is not the kind of women to use her child for financial gain. Besides my aunt told me that she rather have her peace of mind and sanity.. they can have the d**n money and take him with them! lol. My aunt almost lost her job because she spent so much time calling out to run behind my knucklehead cousin trying to make sure he went to school and came home when he was suppose to. How is that fair to her? Everybody wants to point the finger at the mother, but the mother did not have this kid by herself! Mothers get the sh** end of the stick ALWAYS! smdh.
     
  5. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's not right for people to use children as pawns...it only ultimately ends up hurting the child in the long haul.

    His dad isn't handling his role as a father figure well.

    Instead of trying to guide his child in the right direction, all him and his granny are doing is teaching him how to disobey his mother and then women as a whole.
     
  6. Fieldpea

    Fieldpea Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I feel for your aunt.


    I had to go through similar stuff involving both of my sons. Flailed around emotionally (at first). Needed to be *protective, emotional mom* at the expense of my role as *parent/primary provider*. MISTAKE! Caused me to lose alot, too--certainly when I jettisoned jobs while running around hopelessly, being mom, hurt *and PLAYED* by my kids' damned relatives (on their dads' sides).


    I quit approaching my problems that way, though. Sought family counseling that actually *worked*, but only with alot of work out of me. I MADE RULES TO LIVE BY (in terms of how I thereafter dealt with my kids' challenges to my authority that *just so happened to stem* from otherwise 'caring', interfering paternal relatives.


    Given what you've described, it seems to me that all she should do where the question is money being paid to her for his upkeep is to literally *show him the money*. Point blank. Show him the payment record. Without needless delay.


    Don't know how it's done in her state, but in my state a recipient can go to one of the county offices and request a printout of all payments submitted over a year, two years, etc. Armed with such a payment printout, she can then show him that he's been lied to, at least about that. This matter can be resolved (in other words). I did this. Didn't solve everything, but it sure worked regarding the real truth about money from their fathers.


    I stopped getting grief/challenges from my kids about how it was in fact NO MONEY paid *at all* from their fathers!


    His dad and granny sound like they're trying to force your cousin to turn over custody to them; and then, yes, SHE'D be the one 'on the hook' for paying child support based on *her income level* (which I'm assuming is higher than her ex's level). This appears to be their money scheme against her.


    FACT: From the dad's perspective, having his son live with him IS CHEAPER than his having to pay HER *a dime* for his son's care. Cheaper. So he makes sense in what he's trying to accomplish, here. He likely feels like he has to pay rent TWICE--once for himself, and then once for his son *somewhere else*. Same in regards to all of the dad's/son's living expenses, so...


    She sounds like she's responsible and conscientious when it comes to taking care of her son--obviously loves the knothead--and/but, like any other parent of any teenaged male--there's actually no telling whether or not she'd have otherwise *avoided* having a knucklehead on her hands to manage during this phase of his growth, so...


    It's actually pointless for her to get angry and stressed out over how he's showing his *** *because of his father/granny* influence on him. Pointless.


    She needs to *minimize* the sense of being *mind-fukked* by the dad/granny because their interference and lies are the cause of her son's focused anger against her, and she can do this by *deciding to assume* (a choice) that her son was going to act up (like any other 15 year old), anyhow. Then, her question becomes, "How do I psych this boy into cooperating with me--and not them other azzholes"? Point blank.


    Because she KNOWS where the disrupting ideas are coming from (his dad and granny), even if they were model people, it's not at all unusual for a male teen to go through his teen-thing for other reasons, so....good, bad or indifferent, she may as well stop fixating *on the fact* that he listens to them folk's nonsense at all, and then she can more cleanly consider regaining better control over her household by *typical solutions any parent falls back on*--like enlisting help/time from a responsible male relative, or enroll him in a martial arts class, or try Big Brothers, or even a combination of all three suggestions!


    She needs to somehow wrench herself out of *panic mode*. REMOVE HER OVERWROUGHT EMOTIONS from the mix! One way or the other. Re-see her problems with her son if she can. Employ PARENT-solutions, instead.


    By the way, you didn't mention criminal past or current criminal activity (juvenile offenses), or the more serious gang-banging, running with a rough crowd of kids, or drug use of any kind. This is good. This is despite all of the upheaval. Truth is, this kind of missing stuff to worry over needs to be preserved. Or, ALL is not lost for her and this kid of hers!


    Her career. Bottomline, whether she maintains custody, or those other idiots gain custody, she should NOT sacrifice her job security! She might wind up gritting her teeth alot more, but she needs to cut back on all of those *race out of the office trips* behind her son. SHE MUST DO THIS! SHE MUST STOP DOING THAT! The job is how she takes care of them both!


    If this mother believes, deep in her heart, that her son's life is *better under her stewardship* than it could ever be with his father, then she needs to *make some rules FOR HERSELF* regarding when/how/what/why she will take an action in connection with her son at the expense of her job security!


    As stressful and chaotic as her household sounds, given her son hasn't yet turned to drugs or criminal activity means that *she's doing something right*--and her son is doing something right, too--but regardless, she needs to realize that her job is a *strength* (asset/factor) in both of their favor! She needs to proceed like she knows this much about their situation. Her son's sense of stability and security *through her* depends on this.


    Lastly, SHE alongside of her son might benefit from some family counseling regarding how her son has been emotionally impacted over the ending of his parent's relationship, but if it were me, I'd at least start with *showing* her son that his dad/granny have been LYING to him. Given he's torn about this money issue, it is OK for him to question his mother regarding the truth of the matter.


    So show him the truth. Might open up a dialogue about how he is being played like *an overwrought fool* by his mom's 'enemies'.


    I wish her eventual success.


    One Love, and PEACE
     
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