Black Relationships : He's Just a Friend

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Zora, Oct 16, 2004.

  1. Zora

    Zora Active Member MEMBER

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    How comfortable are you with the women in your life having male friends? Do you believe that it's possible for members of the opposite sex to be friends with no intentions of ever going any further or do you subscribe to the thought that the only reason a man is friends with a woman is because he's hoping to go further?

    Several of my closest friends are men. A few of them are married now and most of them have significant others in their lives. In all cases, we were friends before and remain friends now and the women in their lives have no problems with it. One did have a girlfriend who put more energy, I think, into figuring out if something was going on with us than she did building their relationship. I even talked to her and back away from spending time with him, but it didn't seem to work. Needless to say, she's an ex now.

    I usually bring this question up with guys who show interest in me because just as I have no plans to drop my female friends because I'm with someone, I have no plans of dropping the male friends either. Many say right out that they find it disrespectful should I spend time alone with another male, and very few say it's okay with them. I often think that the ones who say it's okay, are not being completely honest with me.

    What do you think? Have you been in this situation before?
     
  2. Sun Ship

    Sun Ship Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Male/Female... this beautiful balance has a purpose

    Yes I have experienced this before and I think I was very honest with the sister. First of all I told her that men and women were not spiritually, mentally or innately designed to be “buddies” Men by nature, down to their physiological core will always view women differently and connect to your sexual psyche, as this permeates all aspects of being female; from your spirituality to your intellectual intuitions and your physical being.

    I also told this sister she should find her a mate that connects to her soul on all levels and she should be able to find all that she needs in that brother if she chooses correctly. It has become almost satirical…you know, this idea of having one man for sexual comfort, another for emotional support, another who can fix and repair anything and another who will take your kids to the zoo and ballgames.

    The sexual juxtaposition that make us function as male and female is in every cell of the body and is always awake. For men to try to remove this reality in response to a female’s friendship and deny that their sexual hormones are active and on hold for the sake of friendly discourse are disingenuous and playing a sort of “socially correct” game. To be honest about these sexual energies does not mean a man is slobbering over his female friend or the woman is physically hot for the brother.

    We are male and female metaphysically, spiritually, mentally and physically …and that’s a good thing.

    And for those who will respond and say that their relationships are only mental, remember your attractions, libido, arousal and copulating fulfillment starts in the brain, for the brain is the biggest sex organ you have.


    Peace,

    Brother Sun Ship
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i can be Friends with unattractive women :peace:
     
  4. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I believe both men and women can be friends (because I have a few females friends) without having any intentions. I think that most times one or the other party DOES have intentions of going further than friendship. If I have an attractive female friend that also has a very nice personality with the qualities that I am looking for....then that's attractive to me and I might want to take it further if the opportunity came. It probably would be in the back of my mind...but I would not push it until it came up. If it never did, we'd just stay friends. I don't think anyone should drop their friends because of the person they are with because relationships come and go. Good frineds will be there a lot longer. I think that each person should be respectful, but never pick a relationship over a genuine friend.
     
  5. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have to disagree a bit with the other posters about always finding women sexually attractive who are friends. I have one female friend of 5 years and one of three in which we have never had sex with each other nor have I thought about having sex with her.

    I am a bit more sexually mature than most men my age, just because a woman is beautiful does not mean I want to have sex with her. I have mastered my emotions and I exercise restraint and control. Of course, there are women that I am attracted too but I do exercise restrain and control to those women who I have deemed as my friends. Usually if I am sexually attracted to the woman, I do not even try to create a friendship with her because as the aforementioned posters said it is not going to happen.

    With all that said, I believe that a woman can have male friends, but the male must be understanding of the other males situation. I usually never call my 2 home girls houses, I never attempt to go out with them nor am I all in their grill piece. I give them space and time with their mate, and I encourage them to stay with their mates, when they are with them. Some guys have serious PhD’s (Playa Hating Degree) when it comes to the other guy. I never get jealous of another man’s GF, after careful introspection and reformation of character, I realize that if I want his girl, I must also accept his problems and I must think of myself in the situation. I realized that I do not want a man doing this to me, so I stopped my lewd thinking and behavior of this sort.


    Some men are the problem, a lot men who are friends usually get jealous when the girl gets a BF besides them and they try to create drama; other girls usually try to pull you into the fray and have you as a part time lover and claim you are a friend.

    I just think that people should be more controlling of their sexual desires; there is more to the female gender than sex. If I want to catch a nut, God made porn tapes and grease for a reason, I do not think about sex with every woman I see or meet. If you think like that, you have some growing up too do in the sexual maturity department.

    All men are not sexual beings nor are rooted in sex. When you using this argument please use it within the scope of your own life, and do not try to represent every male on the planet with this convoluted argument.
     
  6. Sun Ship

    Sun Ship Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brothers need to be more honest with Black Women

    Brother Manasiac this quote excerpted from your last post… “All men are not sexual beings…” Is the strongest, most convoluted and disingenuous statement I have seen posted yet. First of all it’s not rooted in good science, be it social, psychological or physiological. And if you view your statement from a true religio-historical perspective, it loses merit outside of the Judeo-Christian moral construct, which to this day still hasn’t proven it’s theory of a non-sexual realm of divine holiness.

    I think you have misconstrued my post…I personally have known several beautiful and intelligent Black Women for over a decade that I have never attempted to approach with any tactical sexual advances, but I still see these sisters as very sensuous and appealing… as who they are… BLACK WOMEN. Their femininity, which is never devoid of their sexuality, is unique to every conversation we have, from ancient African religion to current social change. Matter of fact, many times they have explained to me, through their own personal spiritual journeys and studies that modern society and religion has been short-changed by the puritanical anti-feminine views of patriarchal/male clergy and laymen. To them it’s ridiculous that religion and sexuality cannot share the same pulpit and to know that it’s usually the sexual nature of the woman that is referred to as the main culprit invoking the most egregious moral failures of mankind, makes them project their sexuality into all aspects of knowledge, as a good and sacred thing.

    I believe to exclude a women’s sexuality or sexual being (or to dismiss my own), in any part of my life is to make women less than what they are and indirectly demonize them.

    (The Catholic priesthood played this tune already, brother Manasiac …you need to try again)​

    A women’s sexuality is not a bad thing or just something to stick your equipment in.

    With this asinine…and false statement that, “All men are not sexual beings” you prove my initial point.

    Thanks for posting, thanks for the help.

    Peace,

    Brother Sun Ship
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I say yes male and female can be friends without any attemp to go
    anyway futher and i have a lady friend for 20 plus years and indeed
    a beautiful woman but we never cross the line at all we respect each
    other and our personal relationships being honest to your mate kills all
    drama of you having the opposite sex as afriend and i can befriend with
    unattractive or attractive women we must know our boundries and know
    friends between lovers or seeking a relationship but men and women can
    be friendz and the soulmate feel ok with it .
     
  8. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    My goodness gracious Brother SunShip, you sure do know how to stir a conversation up! :) I absolutely admire the depth and breadth of your last post and fully appreciate it's honesty and different perspective.

    You know, you really started me to think...in fact, as I read all of the posts, I gave the question posed by the thread starter, serious thought. I recall as a young woman being told by my older sistas that it was better to meet a man who became a friend who you could learn to love, than to first love a man that you learn to hate. It didn't make much sense to me then because I wasn't interested in having a man become a friend. But later, with a couple of failed relationships behind me, I've wondered if maybe that's the ingredient that was missing. Can a man and woman really be friends and not feel some sexual tension? Hmmmm.... Since we're being honest....:) .......I have to admit that I've never had a man "friend" before because there was always that sexual energy present. I, at least, was always very much aware of their "male-ness" as I'm sure they were of my "female-ness." Well, actually that's not true, I did have one male friend before...but he was Gay.

    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  9. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that males and females can be "just friends" as long as the intentions of both parties are known. The balance is destroyed if only one person thinks of it as a friendship and the other is secretly hoping you'll be dumped and come running to them. I think we need to clearly define the boundaries of our "whatever-ships" with people.
     
  10. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I look at it like this: If I have a female friend that is beautiful physically and she has qualities that I look for in a woman...then I might start thinking along the lines of relationship possibilities. Now, if there is no indication that she wants the same...I will not jeapordize the friendship for a maybe. It's not just about sex and lust. Personality has to also be there. If a woman is hot and has no personality and morals....then I wouldn't imagine being with her. I think it's the same on both ends as far as that. I'm sure if a woman finds a man physically attractive and she loves his personality and morals...I'm sure she'd consider more also because maybe those qualities would draw her to him. Maybe not...I don't know. I'm not a woman. I think both men and women can do both: Be friends..no strings attached or feel attracted to their male or female friend if they appeal to them. Neither is wrong, but we just have to know when and how to bring it to the table without bringing tension and weird feelings. Also, I think a woman that is comfortable with her sexuality is very sexy and I definately don't think anything is wrong with it. I think women are forced to hide their sexual feelings and men have more freedom to be a lot more open.
     
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