Poetry Critiques : Here in America(Spoken Word)

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by GROOVETOPIA, Feb 22, 2005.

  1. GROOVETOPIA

    GROOVETOPIA New Member MEMBER

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    Here in America we worry about Which States are Red and which are blue
    But over in Africa they worry about HIV and that west nile flu
    Where before babies get a chance to cry
    Their mothers standing over thier grave sites wondering why
    Why she had six children and only one survived
    And the one thats still alive might as well die
    Because he dosen't have any food to eat at night

    Here in America Tyrone has the means to achive
    But because hes black he thinks Afirmative Action will hand him that law degree
    That will get him out of poverty
    So why is it when you walk on a college campus
    The only black people you see
    Are from over seas
    Africa and the middle east

    Cause here in America we're more concerened with get that play
    with ol girl from around the way
    than making that grade
    Because Massachusetts Bay is so far away
    And we don't want to leave the south
    So I guess we're still slaves
    To the mentality passed down from generation to generation
    That makes sure our black children won't stray
    Into that big world call success U.S.A.

    I just recently started writing poetry and this is one of my first peom. I'd appreciate any feed back you can give thanks!
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well shake your groove thing... As Don King likes to say, only in America!

    This spoken word joint explodes outta the box (Mad props).

    Give your pipes a try in Destee's spoken word forum to work this piece. Get with Khasm he'll hook you up.

    You definitely a reel live poet. Welcome to the family. I look for more great things from you. Peace.
     
  3. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    greetings poet....
    if you just started writting poetry...you started off working with a lot...
    i totally agree with the message that you are prose'n about in this piece...wow, i'm impressed
    my first poems were crap...lol
    now...this is what i think

    Cause here in America we're more concerened with get that play
    with ol girl from around the way
    than making that grade
    Because Massachusetts Bay is so far away
    And we don't want to leave the south
    So I guess we're still slaves
    To the mentality passed down from generation to generation
    That makes sure our black children won't stray
    Into that big world call success U.S.A.

    in my honest opinion...your first two stanza were extremely strong with the points that you made...
    this last stanza started off strong but i feel that you lost a little steam starting from...Because Massachusetts Bay is so far away...
    dig deep poet...i know you can end this great poem on a more decisive note...i say this because every parent wants their child to be sucessful in life...but at what cost...what cost is too high...explore this and i think that you will be able to put an exclamation point at the end of this piece...
    holla back at me...
    one love
    khasm
     
  4. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think thats a great spoken word piece.. None of the rhyme was forced, and it made a lot of sense.. You didn't contradict yourself on any line from my pov.
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very well said strong piece
    and what khasm said i agree
     
  6. ladyafrika

    ladyafrika Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    That was real tight. you say this is one of your first poems, you sure did bring it full storm. HOPE TO SEE MORE.
     
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