Someone emailed this to me a couple years ago...hope it gives you a laugh. Helpful Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto!! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Helpful Hint #2 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away! Helpful hint #3 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms. Buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside before you put it on. Helpful Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Helpful Hint #5 An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator. Helpful Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. Helpful Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Helpful hint #8 A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and goin back to sleep. Helpful Hint #9 If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.