Black Relationships : Help!!!!!! Ex-Wife/Baby Momma Drama

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by mchinadoll, Jan 9, 2006.

  1. mchinadoll

    mchinadoll Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi,

    I have issues in my home that is testing my two year marriage. My husband has two kids (12 & 8 boys), with his exwife who has just moved back to town from California. We are in Florida. She is living with her aunt (small home and 5 people living there), and has an infant from her estranged husband (says she is getting a divorce). My husband and I have the two boys here in our home, while she looks for a place to live and get a job. She has not worked for about 6 years, and has a history of running (back to her mother in Kansas) when times get tough. I have a son (12), who lives here in our home too. Ever since the kids got here, my husband has been running like a mad man to pick them up, drop them off, getting them into school. I support him as much as I can, but I work fulltime as Paralegal, and I am also starting my own mortgage business. While his exWife sits at her aunts and do whatever it is she does doing the day. Its only been a few weeks since she got here, she moved here a few days before Chritmas, but I feel a pattern coming on already. My husband has explained to me that he is giving her an opportunity to get herself together, and really wants his kids to have a stable homelife, which I understand.


    Since she has been here we argue continuosly, because I feel she knows how bad my husband wants to be with his kids, and she is taking us for granted. She is still receiving child support during her transition (which I am okay with as long as she does her part), but I feel she should be made to be more responsible. I love the children and have been in their lives for 3 years. I see how happy they make my husband, but I see how hard he is trying to please her, and at the same time try and make me alright the situation. I am not alright and I will probably never be alright. I just want her to do more than call my husband 5 times a day about foolishness (how to get here or there). I am trying to be understanding and trusting, but I am loosing it everday. This past weekend we got into a huge argument about how he called her while she and I were at a basketball game watching both our children play. She made a point of telling me he was on the phone. He said he tried to call me but couldn't reach me due to my phone going straight to voicemail. I was insensed and pissed because he said I was being insecure and didn't trust him. I am not and never have been a insecure woman. I am very independent and self sufficient.

    My husband says he's not going to give her long to get herself together before he takes it to court. I know he wants the kids, but I feel no matter what, she is going to run when he starts wanting to pursue custody and stop the support. And if he doesn't protest we will be taking care of her responsibilities, because if it wasn't for me he probably would do that just to have the kids in his home. I have praid and praid, and I can't see taking care of a grown woman while taking care of her children too. Please help.
     
  2. Tantrum

    Tantrum Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow thats deep Sister
    I personally dont have any kids
    I do feel the pain you are
    Preaching of though sister
    What I suggest is just be a backbone
    Continue to stand by your mans side
    She is going to continue
    To push and do bull to make you mad
    To put him through turmoil
    So keep your head up sister
    The Lord will guide you
    Stay strong My Queen-Stay Strong
     
  3. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Welcome Sister

    Welcome to Destee Mchinadoll

    I hope you find you stay here pleasant and informative. Make yourself at home sister you are among family..

    First let me start by staying I truly understand your dilemma. I had issues with my son's mother and my wife still has issues. What you and your husband have done is let his children's mother disrupt your household. You have given her power in your home. This is how you get the power back. First you must say it's not about her needs, it's about the children's needs. Thank God that you and your husband can provide a place for the children because if it were up the their mother they would be in the street struggling. Thank God their mother had sense enough to swallow her pride and surrender her children to a safe and loving environment. Always keep it about the children. Tell your husband that. You be patient. He obviously has tremendous love for his children. He misses them a great deal and enjoys having them around. Let him have his time with his children. Remember they are his children and his responsibility. What you must do is be calm midst this storm. Show him support. As a mother would you turn a child out into the street? No. That's what you'll be doing if you force your husband send those children back to their mother when she's not ready to provide for them. Again it's about the children. So what if their mother is not pitching in. It's not about her it's about the children. Children can't take care of themselves adequately. I know this may stress the household finances and decrease some of the time he spends with you. Sometime doing the right is not fair but it is always necessary. Ask yourself this, "What if their mother never gets her act together?". Think of how the children's mother had to feel when she had to surrender her children because she could no longer take care of them. If she feels nothing then the children are better off with you and their father anyway. Bottom-line, keep it about the children. If those children are with you then they need to be in school. If they are in school and your home is their home of record then he needs to stop paying the mother child support. You need to let your husband know in a subtle way that the money still going to the mother would now be better used to support the children while they are in your care. See it's not taking away from the mother it's giving to the children. We are still keeping it about the children. As a paralegal you have access to the laws of your state right there at your finger tips. Even if you don't work in family law I'm sure one of the lawyers you work for can direct you to a colleague that will be more than helpful. You'll be surprised how many men are getting custody of their children these days. Especially Black men getting custody of their sons. It's no longer a gimme that a child belongs with the mother anymore. I have custody of my son and I didn't go through any messy court battles to get him. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about the children coming to stay with you all permanently if it comes to that. Do not argue. Those children can feel the tension in the air and they know it's about them. The last thing you want is for them to feel alienated and unwelcome in your home. If you sit down and discuss these situations with your husband, restructure your finances, lay down some ground rules for the children and keep their mother out of your household business you'll be fine. Also love those children and let them see it, never disrespect their mother, stay in prayer and (I can't say this enough) keep it about the children...God Bless sister...


    Peace and Love
     
  4. mchinadoll

    mchinadoll Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Tantrum and Radical Faith. Thank you both for your encouragement and advise. I do truly appreciate it, as I am feeling overwhelmed. You are right Radical Faith, keep it about the children. And I think I have. My main concern is I see how my husband is acting. He tells me to let him handle things, and he will keep me out of it as much as he can. But how can he keep me out of something that affects me too. Her calling him twenty times a day does outrage me, and I feel it is insensative of him to tell me that she just needs help getting around our city (which she lived in for about 4 years, same area). Trust me, I am a baby mother too. So I know you need to communicate in order to raise children. My exhusband and I do it well without having to talk to each other constantly. Yes, I have worked in family law for several years, and I have also prepared a Joint Modication of Child Custody and Child Support for my Husband (on his request) this past summer when she said she wanted us to keep the kids until she moved here. We had them for the summer break, and she wanted us to kep them until she moved here. My Husband (back then) was so upset because he felt she was dumping the kids and wanted to the the child support too. I think back then he didn't really believe she was coming here. Now that she is here, he is doing everything he can to make sure he can keep the kids. He tries to keep things from me bacause he says he knows it upsets me. He is so right, it does, but how can he expect me to just act like life is all rosy when he can't even come at me straight. For instance, I asked him shortly after they got here had they talked about how this was going to be handled, and he said no, that he was playing it by ear, and jsut getting his kids settled. I found out a few day later, that they had indeed discussed their arrangment. Oh, but who am I (the house keeper), not. I went off, and he says that I am insecure, I don't trust him, and I am only concerned about the support. I LOOK AT HIM NOW AND I JUST WANT TO DROP KICK HIM IN HIS NUTS.
     
  5. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Don't kick him yet....

    LOL! Sorry sister I know this isn't funny. Don't drop kick him. Like many couples in our society it sometimes takes a tramatic situation to define where we stand in our marriages. In my case it was the death of my father that made me truly understand who my wife was to me. Everyone wanted me to make decisions about how the situation would be handled without her presence. When I thought about it I said no, my wife and I are one. Where I go she goes. Whatever decision will be made will be decided jointly, especially when it involves a substancial portion of our finances. It sounds like you just want to be a part of the loop and the process when it comes to the childrens well being. Again it takes communication between you and your husband. He knows you are not particularly fond of the interaction he is having between him and the mother of his children. In order for the these things to stop you must gain his confidence in this situation and he must see himself committing a wrong. He must know he is able to confide in you,discuss the situation and come to joint decisions. He must also see how his actions toward her is disrespecting your relationship. He must stop feeling obligated to helping the mother of his chidren above and beyond. These are things he will not be able to see from you right away. He may need this to come from an outside source, preferably from someone he trusts and views as a good decision maker like a parent or relative or clergymen or counselor. There are somethings you must understand about men. Men are logical thinkers. In your discussion with him appeal to his logic and not his emotion. Help him to find his own answers through your facilitation. Men also are wired to help the "damsel in distress". This is something most men have to work on. We men can't help every woman that cries out. He needs to see that he does not need to keep as much contact with her as he does. Even if he is being helpful this will lead to a pattern of dependency from her. I say these things not because I'm a professional but because I was in his situation to some degree and worked my way out of it. My wife also had issue with the way I was handling the situation. She is confrontational while I am the peacemaker. The difference is while the mother of my child had my child living with her I was at the mercy of her poor decisions. I had to pacify her for a while but once I got custody of the child there was no need to have farther conversation or compensation with her other than issues about our child. So there may be an end to the means inwhich he is handling this situation. Question is does the end justify the means and at what cost will be exacted to achieve the goal. Sister I can tell you as stubborn as we men are it will take time and maybe the influence from a trusted outside source before he may see the light. Time and patience is something you are running out of. Be careful not put the wrong person in your business. Sometimes family and relatives tend to choose sides and use information as leverage when they need something. What he needs to see is it's not a matter of trust but of respect. He needs to see how his actions disrespect you and your marriage. Also remember one of the hardest things for a man to do is admitt fault. In fact for some men being wrong is not an option. Continue to prayer sister and I'll pray for you as well. God bless...


    Peace and Love....
     
  6. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, he sounds like he's doing the best he can. Sometimes, in an effort to compensate for the irresponsibility of the other parent, you let them off the hook regarding their responsibilities to the children. It sounds like this woman is sitting there depending on your husband simply because she knows he'll be there....for the kids. This may be a way for her to keep him in her life, because like you say, she's constantly calling him. No woman needs to continuously call a man, even if she does have his kids. My advice would be to be patient with him because maybe he doesn't see what she's trying to do, he's just doing for the kids. But talk to him and let him know how you feel and what you see going on, and see what happens. I'm sure he doesn't like running around like a chicken with his head cut off anymore than you like him doing it. If he knows that the situation (not the kids) are causeing a strain, then I'm sure he'll act on it. Especially since you've proved that you're the type of woman that is supportive and realistic in an imperfect situation, and you should be commended for that. If worse comes to worse, maybe all three of you guys need to sit down and have a talk about better ways to use the time that's needed to take care of the kids, because it definately should not be all on you two.
     
  7. Tya

    Tya Member MEMBER

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    From my point of view. Ifeel you are very patient and I think you should stand by your husband when he is trying to do the right thing with his kids. You both are as one now. At the same time I feel you do have the right to put your foot down as well. You and your husband should talk about this together. His exwife is his baby mamma , but he is taking care of them , I feel she does not need to call him 24/7 unless it is an emergency. You are showing yourself to be a good women , cause many women would have left that man with this baby mamma drama, Which is probably what she is trying to do, interupt his life with you. Like I said I think you have the right to demand respect, she shouldn't be calling your house all like that bringing in confusion over unecessary things. I am not saying to disrespect her but just let her know or tell your husband to let her know that she is disrespecting you, cause that is your home as well as it is your husband and you do not have to be miserable with her mess. There is a nice way you can let somebody know the deal. But in the meantime you keep your head up and continue to let God.If you all can't talk it out believe me God already has worked it out, dont let the devil mess up your marriage. God Bless
     
  8. nevar

    nevar Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    you know right about now i wish i could ask jada how does she do it because will smith ex is in their life like you described. you can tell jada trust her man with her every being. he has to be man enough to tell her that his obligation is to his kid and you his wife. that anything else outside of this is no concern. she just trying to get under your skin next thing she will say me and help slept together last week. jealousy rears an ugly head and the head is here. if you want to get rid of a nasty blemish what do you do eradicate it. tell him honey i know you want to be a father to your kids but i think your ex is too involved in our daily life. if we have the kids why must she called 6 times a day. she's knows the kids fine. its disrespectful to me since i'm your wife your partner. its hurting my feelings and i prayed to god over this matter and i cant take it anymore. i'm not gonna stand by and let your ex destroy our marriage our sacred marriage. the one where we took our vows before god for better i been there, for worse i still there, for richer i'm been there, for poorer i'm still here. you must forsake all others be unto to me. we are as one. she just trying to break up our happy fulfilling home because she realized she lost a good man. My man. i betcha if you say it like that you'll get your point across. i know the bible says god over jesus, jesus over man, man over woman. but i be doggone he just gonna walk all over me. here's where you need a good smile right here if that dont work tell Madea and she'll get the message shall i say across hahahah!!!!!!!!!1::jam:
     
  9. mchinadoll

    mchinadoll Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank all of you for your advise. I have been trying bits and pieces of everyones advise and my husband told me to day "Don't be mad to long". Oh that insensed the **** out of me. I am getting to the point that I despise him.
     
  10. nevar

    nevar Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i tell ya being silent at this point kills the hell out of a man. start going cold turkey on him. say the only two word game and he'll get the picture mine does.:kiss1:
     
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