Black Relationships : He cheated, she had a baby

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by mickey3, Feb 26, 2005.

  1. mickey3

    mickey3 New Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    I've been with this man since I was 15 yrs old, I'm now 29. He has cheated several times and I forgave him. This last women got pregnant with his twins, they died, I forgave him. I got pregnant and thought we were going to be the family we always talked about. my son was 3 wks old and she called me to tell me she was pregnant again. He denied it, called her crazy. I got pregnant with my second child only 4 wks after giving birth to my first son. I was 5 months pregnant with my second child when his sister told me the other women was actually pregnant. Our kids and a month apart. I forgave him. However, I do not let the child come around me or my children. I now have 3 kids with this man and my house is hell, which is not good for my children. I'm depressed and feel trapped because I have 3 small children (3yrs, 2yrs and 6 mths). I cant raise my kids by myself. He's a good father and is the primary care giver, I work, he stays at home. I'm constantly accusing him of other women, which makes him angry, which starts a shouting match. I agreed to marry him for my kids, but I'm having major doubts. He wants to involve his other child in family gatherings which makes me uncomfortable. I feel so stupid for staying with this man and having kids. I dont know what to do. Any advice would be helpful
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,792
    Likes Received:
    8,984
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,684
    Sister Mickey ... Hello and Welcome! :wave:

    Bless your sweet heart ... gosh ... just reading this, i could feel the stress and strain such a situation could cause.

    The thing that stands out to me, in reading what you've shared, is that you are punishing the children (his other children) for the things you've claimed to forgive him for. It may mean that you've not truly forgiven him.

    When it comes to the affairs of the heart, there's not usually any real easy way to deal with them, if things have gotten all out of order. I'm not in a position to tell you to stay or leave, only you can make that decision.

    We often think we can't do something, when in reality, we can. While it may be difficult for you to care for your children alone, you can do it ... many women before you have, with less money and more children! So don't under-estimate your abilities.

    The pain and turmoil that comes from loving someone that doesn't give you what you need ... confidence, love, security, and peace ... can be a sad existence ... but many women spend their lives doing this too!

    It depends on what you want for your life. 29 is very young, you have many years ahead of you, to turn this all around and make your life be what you want.

    No matter what you do Sister, try to not take your pain out on the children. Those are your children's siblings. They may grow up to love, need, respect, defend, and support each other ... as siblings often do.

    I wish you the very best.

    I hope some of the other Family Members will respond, giving you more encouragement.

    Again, welcome ... and make yourself at home ... because you are.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    32,009
    Likes Received:
    11,483
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +13,745
    you said you worked.
    if you have health coverage use it to go see a professional counselor or therapist.

    you need professional help.
     
  4. sunny01

    sunny01 Active Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Unbelievable

    This isn't my situation, but I feel very sorry for you. I believe that you know deep down in your heart what you need to do. This person has exhibited nothing but negative behaviour that was obvious to you, but you continually excused his actions, and basically gave him the belief that it was okay to cheat, and therefore he did it again. He probably will contiue to do so because he has lossed respect fo himself and you. He may feel that you will always forgive his indiscretions especially now that you have children. Also, you stated that you became pregnant again right after the first child knowingly that he cheated and impregnanted another woman. I don't understand this type of behaviour, you're bringing innocent children into a horrible situation, and the epedemic among sisters is pregnancies with men who are volatile and have no clue of ascertaining a decent and healthy situation. It's like you're asking for a unhealthy relationship that will inevitably end bad. The one positive thing that you stated is that you work and he's the deadbeat. I suggest just like the former member, that you seek professional help: emotionally. Also, think seriously before you get married. It really means nothing until you have established a strong foundation with commuication, stability, honesty,commitment, love,etc, other than that it's just a piece of paper and the problems will still continue. You're very young, but you're in a emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship please get help while you can, if nothing else for the sake of your children's future. Children soak up everything!!
     
  5. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2003
    Messages:
    1,818
    Likes Received:
    137
    Occupation:
    Operations Manager
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Ratings:
    +137
    Time to bend your knees.

    Your story sounds like a broken record in our community. The first thing you need to do is pray to God. Ask God to help you figure out why you think you are not worthy of things like fidelity, marriage, honesty, love, provision, security, etc from your man. Sweetheart you have got to start saying you are better than how you are threating yourself. After your man cheated twice and you took him back you might as well give him a licenses to cheat. Also pregnancy is the least of your worries. He obviously is having unprotected sex so if you maintain this relationship he we eventually bring you a STD. This would mean the both of you have the potential of dying from HIV/AIDS. Who will rise your children then? Will that be fair for your children? I will be in prayer for you as well. Sweetheart we all make mistakes but there comes a time when we learn not travel down the same road. If you do what you've always done you get what you always gotten.


    Peace

    Radical Faith
     
  6. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2001
    Messages:
    3,096
    Likes Received:
    15
    Occupation:
    youth volunteer
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Ratings:
    +17
    Goodness

    I agree, this is a situation you have to take to the Father. I know it's not easy trying to make a relationship work. Thre are so many things that can cause stress in a relationship, but when the other person goes and makes stupid mistakes that just don't have to be, it can be very frustrating. Now you said you have 4given him several times in the past but yet he continues to make these same mistakes. Is this how you want to go into a marriage??? I think you two should get counseling b4 you even attempt marriage. Once he confronts why he feels the need to cheat and works on correcting that issue then maybe he will get it together enough to become a husband.

    As for the other child, I am in a similar situation. My husband had a child with a woman he was with for several years. They have a 2 yar old daughter. She wants the child to have nothing to do with me because she feels I took him away from her even tho they had broken up 2 years before I even started dating him...and for some reason, in her mind I am the other woman. On top of that my husband had other girlfriends b4 me but go figure???

    I am pregnant by my husband and want so badly for his daughter to be apart of our family too. My baby and his daughter has my husbands blood running thru their veins. They have nothing to do with the decisions and mistakes that "we" adults have made. They are innocent of the whol deal. So why would it make sense to keep them apart because of the mistakes "we" have made?

    I can't imagine growing up with brothers and sisers out there in the world and not being abl to be a part of their lives. His daughters mother is mad at him and refuses to let him keep his daughter thinking she's hurtin him which she is, but she's also hurting her own child who again has nothing to do with any of this and loves her daddy vry dearly.

    I think if you really want to open his eyes, let the other child be apart of your family too. Love that child because that child is apart of the man you want to marry as well as a part of your children. Believe me, when he sees that, he will feel like a fool for hurting a woman with so much love in her heart to put self aside and to try to make things right for his children.

    I belive when we put ourselves in uncomfortable situations in an effort to make good things happen, God sees that. To put self aside even tho you may not want to is also putting yourself in the path of many blessings

    Let us know what you decide and how it goes.
     
  7. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    32,009
    Likes Received:
    11,483
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +13,745
    doesn't anyone around here use birth control?
     
  8. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2003
    Messages:
    10,784
    Likes Received:
    4,235
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +4,472
    smh...those living in glass houses...ya'll know the rest.

    mickey...good luck sis...this is a ruff situation with no quick answers...i would pray on it and follow what my heart told me. some men like it when their woman is off-balance like you are...it gives them more power in the relationship...i just thought of a small suggestion though...make that cat get a frickin job...YOU should be at home taking care of your children, not him...

    one love
    khasm
     
  9. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    Take to God in Prayer sista and then recollect your self and the worth of a woman
    seem like he stop loving you long ago and now you are is shelter and baby maker
    beware of is cheating actions sexually unprotected and what you can get or have
    my heart reach out to those children born into a mixture of broken hope when both
    parents forgetting reality and truth of life's meanings ....best advice move on and drop
    this heavy cheater that tame to hold you back , Ask God for forgiveness and a blessing
    to take you away seem like you lack self -esteem for your self and take this crap
    he feeding you come out of denial recollect yourself worth and move on , he need to be
    working not playing the playa role .....Good Luck sista in this mix emotional maze
     
  10. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2003
    Messages:
    1,244
    Likes Received:
    14
    Occupation:
    Love my job!
    Location:
    Seattle
    Ratings:
    +15

    I will not give you relationship advice but I do have something to say that I think is important.

    My daughter's brother is 3 weeks younger than her (by another woman of course). The have been around one another since age 2 where they attended the same pre-school together. They will both be graduating high school this spring and remain relatively close.

    I know your situation may be a little embarrassing right now, but those kids need to know who their other siblings are. There would be nothing worse than them growing up and potentionally dating one another. This situation is still new for you, so it may be hard to have his other kids over, but I hope one day you change your mind - all of the children are innocent in this situation.

    Best wishes and I sincerely hope that your future brings happiness your way.
     
Loading...
Similar Threads - cheated baby
  1. legit-writer
    Replies:
    181
    Views:
    11,484
  2. legit-writer
    Replies:
    17
    Views:
    2,236
  3. hurtbroken
    Replies:
    7
    Views:
    7,780
  4. African_Prince
    Replies:
    6
    Views:
    1,166
  5. unique
    Replies:
    5
    Views:
    847