Black Relationships : HAVING A BABY BUT NOT A HAPPY OCCASION.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by bigtown, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. bigtown

    bigtown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I WAS INFORMED BY A WOMAN I'VE BEEN SEEING THAT SHE IS PREGNANT AND THAT I'M THE FATHER. THAT ISN'T A PROBLEM BECAUSE I'M A REAL MAN AND I DO WHAT REAL MEN DO, AND THAT'S BE THERE FOR MY CHILD FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY THE WAY A FATHER SHOULD BE. LIKE I SAID THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER AND I DIDN'T LIE TO HER. I TOLD HER THE TRUTH, WHICH IS THAT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER, BUT I DO CARE FOR HER WELL BEING. SHE THEN ASKED ME IF I WOULD MARRY HER AND I SAID THAT WOULD PROBABLY NOT BE A WISE DECISION ( I WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT TO END OUR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS PREGNANT ). AT THAT POINT SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS CONSIDERING GIVING THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION. WELL, WE ALL KNOW WHAT ADOPTION IS FOR BLACK CHILDREN. POSSIBLY A LIFETIME OF FOSTER HOMES OF ABUSIVE PEOPLE WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THEM. I THEN TOLD HER THAT I WOULD RAISE THE CHILD MYSELF AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY AT ALL IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO. TO MY SURPRISE, SHE SAID ABSOLUTELY NOT.
    SHE SAID THAT SHE AND THE CHILD WERE BASICALLY A PACKAGE DEAL. I THEN CONVINCED HER OF THE POSSIBLE NIGHTMARES OF THE FOSTER SYSTEM, WHICH I WAS SUCCESSFUL AT DOING. HOWEVER, SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WILL RAISE THE CHILD ALONE AND BE BOTH MOTHER AND FATHER TO THE CHILD. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE A PART OF HIS/HER LIFE AT ALL. I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO VIEW HER AS AN ENEMY NOW. A MUCH BIGGER ENEMY TO ME THAN ANY WHITE MAN HAS EVER BEEN TO ME, BECAUSE SHE IS SEEKING TO TAKE AWAY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE EVER WANTED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THIS IS CONFUSING AND I'M HURTING.
    WHAT RIGHTS DO I HAVE AND WHAT CAN I DO? I FEEL THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE AN UGLY SITUATION, LORD KNOWS IT SHOULDN'T BE.

    I KNOW I'M AN *** SOMETIMES, BUT I NEED HELP NOW.

    THANX.
     
  2. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Man I can't stand it when women use kids as pawns!!! :censored:

    Maybe this will blow over when she stops giving you ultimatums.

    But if the child is yours and she chose to put it up for adoption you could still petition to get your child once paternity is proved. If she reliquishes her rights as a parent, she has not rights to say who adopts (or raises) that child.

    As for YOUR rights...I'd check and see if your city participates in the FATHER's Advocates or Father's Rights groups. You can usually find such groups in the yellow pages. I'd gather information now so that you can be prepared for any curve ball she may throw your way. There have been instances where men have gone to the judge to let them know they think they may be the father and block possible adoptions / or restrictions of rights UP FRONT until paternity can be established.

    I wish you well and hope she stops playing games. She should be concerned with working out a good parenting plan.
     
  3. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Before HIV...crazy women were the biggest motivation behind condom use. Get one pregnant and you are screwed for life...good luck BigTown!
     
  4. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I agree with you Brother Pan, but you sure can't cry over spilled milk--what's done is done.

    Brother Therious...don't give up. Give the situation some time and try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your friend. If there is no doubt in your mind that she's carrying your child, then patience and understanding may become your best friends from this point forward.

    If your partner had hopes that one day you and she would get married, then it's not surprising that she would be hurting right now because of your rejection. Not only does she have to accept the fact that you don't love her enough to want her as your wife, but that you could love an unborn child enough to want them in your life.

    I can't tell you what to do but I honestly believe that what you do next will be the most critical decision you will make. You can be upset and you can be angry with her, but that's not going to make things better between you. In fact, she probably wants to see your hurt and angry. If I was you, I'd probably give her some room to cool off some, then call her and try to hold a serious and respectful conversation about what the future holds. Keeping your anger under control will be the key. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to push your buttons from time to time, after all, her being nice right now will not get her any closer to walking down the aisle on your arm. Also, as much as you might be hurting in process, try to prepare yourself for the worse and that is you may never be a part of the child's life. Fair or unfair? Worse things have been known to happen.

    Good luck Brother Therious and like Pan said, next time, dress for the occasion! :rain:

    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  5. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Man, try and use the useless court system. If you want to be in the child's life then that's not her decision. It will be hard and you'll have to fight for it. Women always will use sex and children as a way to make you life hell. If they aren't trying to break you by milking your pocket...they're trying to break you down by keeping the child away from you. It's a no-win situation, but you don't have to be with her to be with the child. That's why I always say that situation dealing with marriage and children leave a man much too vulnarable nowadays. Women have us by the balls when it comes to these two issues. That's their power a lot of the times if you hook up with a crazy one. Unfortunatley you did. Good luck man.
     
  6. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    seek legal advice.

    try to go to counseling together.

    go to the delivery!
     
  7. bigtown

    bigtown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY WE CAN'T REWIND OUR LIVES PAN. LAWD KNOWS I WISH I COULD RIGHT NOW.
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wish I could give you some practical advice BigTown, but to tell you the truth, the ball is in her "court". Women have more power than they pretend to when it comes to having children: It is up to her if she wants to keep the baby or have an abortion! It is up to her if she wants to put the baby up for adoption. Also until you can get court ordered visitation rights, it is up to her to decide when & where you will see the baby (If she decides to have it)! I definately wouldn't marry this woman! If this is her mentality, that would be a nightmare of a marriage (especially since you don't love her)...and you'd only end up paying child support & allimony. Right now you have to play the waiting game, and in the mean time, like brotherJames stated: Seek legal advise!
     
  9. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Along with what everyone else have said I would like to add that you atleast attempt to be very supportive of her pregnancy. Make sure that your financial and living situation is up to part. If she still rejects you once the child is born, you can file for visitation rights and plead your case.

    Although the courts may seem bias when it comes to who is the sole custodian of the child, they have a great amount of respect for a father who is responsible and determined to be in his childs life.

    Hold your head up Brother! Chances are she just going through the motions of rejection. Whatever you do, dont add fuel to the fire unless you are presenting your case to the judge.

    Good luck and remember that you have just as much say as the mother! You just might have to prove that you are ready and responsible.
     
  10. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    BTW - how do you know it's your child?
     
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