Poetry Critiques : Hatter's Ball I & II

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by carsonh, Oct 4, 2008.

  1. carsonh

    carsonh Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hatter’s Ball I

    Enter the surreal reality
    and the asylum too,
    for the surreal reality is a Hatter’s dwell
    and his reality as well.


    Hatter’s Ball II

    A confusing calm comes
    over me
    as the days draw dark
    and short.
    Sixteen hours of darkness a day
    blanket my world
    and bring with it a terrible cold,
    lending its freezing touch to everything once warm.
    I take refuge in the fortress that is my mind,
    guarded by my thoughts,
    warmed by my memories.

    In my mind I build a shelter
    and from this shelter a new world is born.
    The world outside is a confusingly cold calm
    and depressingly dark place,
    where life’s labouringly long
    and people have no heart.
    So in my mind I went
    and made a new reality,
    a surreal reality
    where I know it’ll be ok.

    But there’s a clash. . . . . .
    the world outside says
    I can’t have the world within
    but I exist outside to live within
    and I live within because outside
    is a world without
    what’s within.

    I’m lost.
    I don’t get it,
    why be forced to live real,
    when surreal is better?
    So I’m all dressed up,
    jacket and all,
    ready to masquerade in the Hatter’s Ball.
     
  2. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Word Up! Brother carsonh!

     
  3. carsonh

    carsonh Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Cyde, I noticed you hghlighted the last part of the poem in BOLD, that is my favorite part of the poem...not the best example of long and short pieces..but it gets the general idea across i guess.
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    the whole piece had me from da start and sho nuff u hit it on the head
    great write , hey Carsonh try breakin it into a few stanza it will have even a
    higher power to it's message.

    you got me thinking now from inside out ....flow on fo real wow!
     
  5. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    this is a very well prose'd piece poet...
    i usually enjoy stuff that rhymes but ur wordz
    and visuals kept me in the scene...
    great werk poet...

    one love
    khasm
     
  6. carsonh

    carsonh Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ok im going to try a few stanza breaks...tell me what you think afterwards.
     
  7. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Brothers working it out!

     
  8. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    that was a good suggestion rich...it does flow better this way...

    one love
    khasm
     
  9. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think we all find that place within ourselves were we feel warm and accepted, cause the world outside can be a cold place. Quite a relatable piece, well done.
     
  10. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    carsonh,
    Simply Beautiful!

     
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