Poetry Critiques : Happy to be nappy!

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by WIZDOM4MILES, May 12, 2006.

  1. WIZDOM4MILES

    WIZDOM4MILES Member MEMBER

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    My grandfather prayed that my skin be dark, da blaker the better he told me
    -he prayed for my dark skin so I'd be far away from resembling the white man as possible.

    My grandmother wanted my nose to be BIG, da bigger da better she thought
    -she prayed my nose be big as a symbol, that all we had been through we still breathin.

    My uncle gave me my dark brown eyes, da darker the better he said
    -he said the eye was the window to the soul and he wanted my windows tinted, he tinted my windows to hide the pain and oppression we faced.

    My aunt gave me kinky hair, the kinkier tha better she told me
    -she gave me nappy hair to show the complexity of our roots, to show the twist and turns and the diffuclt times we had, my aunt was happy i was nappy.

    My parents gave me big lips, the bigger the better they say
    -they made my lips big so i could speak for all the black voices who have been silenced over the years, they gave me big lips to speak for the fallen souls of Martin, Malcom, and Medger.

    My family prayed that I'd have rhythm
    -they gave me rhythm so i could catch the beat, to dance for every beatin we ever got from masta.

    You see they tell us our dark skin is cursed, but its kissed and blessed by the Sun. They tell us our noses are ugly, but it signifies survivial cause no matta wat they put us through we still breathin, they want us to have light eyes but our dark eyes are tinted they hide the tears and pain of our rapped mothers and stolen fathers. We put chemicals to our hair but we should be proud of our nappy roots to stand for our deep roots. We ashamed of our lips but they got to be big to tell the black family story cause our story is big. They want us to shuck and jive and tap dance for them, they love our ryhthm but we sometime ashamed to dance fo white folks, but if we keep dancin we keep showin the world our talent. So be proud, our parents gave us our features for a reason. Be happy to be nappy!
     
  2. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a quick question wizdom. Well a few of them actually.
    1. Are you a brother or a sister so that I dont accidently call you he when youre a she.

    2. Did you post in this particular forum for the "critiques" sake? Or were you loooking to just get a few more reads (which isnt a horrible thing I was just wondering :) )

    because my replies here are a little more lengthy since I try to give my "critiquing" opinion but I wont if its not what you wished :)
     
  3. WIZDOM4MILES

    WIZDOM4MILES Member MEMBER

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    THANKS

    I AM A BROTHER

    I POSTED IT HERE FOR HONEST FEED BACK, I AM ALWAYS LOOKING TO IMPROVE MY SKILLS SO ANYTHING THAT WILL HELP MAKE DA POEM BETTA
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    it was a great poem , you can try formating it into some stanza at the
    break .
     
  5. Joyce

    Joyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Oh gurl...this nappy woman be loving this. If you are wanting critique, the only thing I would change is how the lines flow. In other words, where your lines break can make or break your poem. Moreover, no one can break them BUT you. I could try but I would fail to convey what you felt. That's what I mean by flow - where you break your lines. When writing a long poem such as this, it is a necessity to break the lines in such a way that it literally flows into the mind of the reader and helping them to feel what you felt when you wrote it. Never let your work read like a short story unless it's a short story. Stanzas are what dictate that your writing is a poem and not a story or personal dialogue of some kind. To get an ideal what I am talking about read this poem that I wrote three years ago. A WOMAN NAMED POEM

    I really loved your use of metaphors. To me a poem is not a poem if it doesn't have metaphors. I love every line but this one really grabbed me:

    You see they tell us our dark skin is cursed, but its kissed and blessed by the Sun.

    I love the way YOU the poet came through and reveal a part of yourself. Keep it up...you pen is certainly capturing my heart. That's why I responded.:book:
     
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