I use to friends with this sistah. Best friends at that. We' were inseperatable. We partied and experimented with all sorts of stuff we had no business experimenting with freshman/sophmore year. But, then she got pregnant and asked me if I'd call some clinics to price abortions. I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. The whole time I resented her for it. I resented her for getting me involved. I resented her for getting pregnant and even telling me about it. She'd refer to her baby as "it" and "this thing inside of me". She'd go the whole day without eating. Everytime she told me about another symptom, I'd die inside. Then we found out the sex and it turned out to be a baby boy; I treated her like the plague. Senior year of highschool I miscarried two. I didn't understand how I wanted mine and lost them. And she didn't even want hers and still carried a healthy baby. She never told the father she was pregnant. And though he was in love with her and pre-law; she choose to chase after some alpha who slept with most of the sistahs on campus instead. I stopped to speaking her when she decided to have her abortion. I just felt like I had blood on my hands. She went off when I wouldn't return her calls and refused to hang out. I wondered how she could be so passionate about losing a friend and not a child. I wondered how I could grieve for her baby and mine. I stopped taking her seriously. I still feel bad for even calling planned parenthoods for her in the first place. At the time I didn't know the history of planned parenthood. Nor did I need to to know to feel it was wrong. I still feel guilty to this day. I do wonder though, what does motherhood feel like and how important is it to smell your baby those first few minutes of the baby's life?