Black Jokes Humor : God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

Discussion in 'Black Jokes Humor' started by Amnat77, Sep 14, 2010.

  1. Amnat77

    Amnat77 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Messages:
    5,428
    Likes Received:
    2,620
    Occupation:
    professional.
    Location:
    UK..not for long
    Ratings:
    +2,622
    NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

    "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

    Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."


    "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

    The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.


    http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/
     
  2. Amnat77

    Amnat77 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Messages:
    5,428
    Likes Received:
    2,620
    Occupation:
    professional.
    Location:
    UK..not for long
    Ratings:
    +2,622
    ''"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bull****. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."

    God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.''



    :SuN049::SuN049: I laugh to keep from crying....
     
  3. Amnat77

    Amnat77 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Messages:
    5,428
    Likes Received:
    2,620
    Occupation:
    professional.
    Location:
    UK..not for long
    Ratings:
    +2,622
  4. Ikoro

    Ikoro Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    Norway
    Joined:
    May 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,177
    Likes Received:
    320
    Ratings:
    +320
    Hilarious!!

    Apart from the fact that 'God' has commanded people to kill in those religious scriptures, this is excellent irony. Very timely too.

    Thanks for sharing this. Going to read the whole thing now, ah, this was good.

    One,

    - Ikoro
     
  5. anAfrican

    anAfrican Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,484
    Likes Received:
    711
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    The Meek !Shall! Inherit the Earth.
    Location:
    StreetNationEarth: Seattle
    Ratings:
    +745
    "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"

    they do miss the point, don't they?


    (it's almost even funny: a bunch of us wouldn't pay attention and ran off doing all sorts of sick stuff. God sends His Son to straighten them out; they kill Him and keep right on keeping on doing the same sick stuff. guess that's why they are so sure that everyone is born in sin: they are still the same sinners that prompted the need to send a Messenger to call the sinners to task in the first place! ... reckon He's gonna do something similar anytime soon? oops ...)
     
  6. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2004
    Messages:
    6,458
    Likes Received:
    1,282
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Author
    Location:
    Where the Niger meets the Nile
    Ratings:
    +1,290
    Let's act like we never heard of Loose Change. Let's act like the official version of what happened on 911 is true.

    Isn't it funny that while we revere the Quran and Bible as holy books whenever anyone actually does the things these books say do whether its Muslim fundamentalist or Christian fundamentalist, it becomes clear that they are cuckoo. Mainstream Muslims and Christians disown them, the police and FBI watch them and we all shake our heads at them. Yet they are doing what their books tell them to do or at least what the characters in their respective books are shown doing.

    There is no misinterpretation here and I am convinced there is something about going to Church that has an adverse effect on people's reading comprehension skills.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    lol...................wow
     
Loading...
Similar Threads - Angrily Clarifies 'Don't
  1. Clyde C Coger Jr
    Replies:
    0
    Views:
    42