You were my genie in an OE bottle Seemed like every time I needed All I had to do Was pick up a 40 and poof You’d come through Now, your gone and The last bottle we drank The last time we were together Laid under the right hand side Of my upstairs bathroom cabinet Late one night after your wife slept you called me, choking on tears, coughing up blood, a confessional though barely audible through the whispering and wheezing I groaned, staring at the ceiling, why are you doing this? I knew where I stood, how sick you were, That the prognosis was not good I sobbed I couldn’t listen to this. I opened my cabinet and held that bottle Its cool touch reminded me of your long fingers I could feel your lips pressed to my forehead Pouting in forgiveness every time you left You yelled gasping for me to quit my &itching, shut my mouth and for a change, just listen You said, I am not doing this for me I want you to know before I go I have always loved you. When I was sitting in prison Seven years, letters I got from you Talking about college parties and professors Projects due and seminars run Jobs you held and &uckers you’d done The things you thought were stupid That you thought I didn’t want to hear Were the only things that got me through Those seven long and lonely years Sure them hoes dropped a line or two And every time I was up for parole that %itch would come through but you wrote me, I counted today, 726 times some long, others just three short lines poems and honest answers to life’s questions saw growth from pain, and lessons turned blessings Jafar picked them up for you when you need They are your story, unconditional and invincible, reality over principle It’s what makes you sensible and cynical All of which I found unconditionally irresistible. You know you were the only one Who stopped to check on mom, even now bringing her plates, making sure she ate even after everything you been through even after you should hate even after everything taken even after I married, my mom still asks about you showed her pictures of your kids, she loves my wife, but she shook her head and said it right it shoulda been you My sister smiles when I speak on you She said you two still speak too She said you still crack on her like Only a sister can do. You wanted a picture and I texted a picture of me cradling that bottle told you I couldn’t throw it out You laughed at my silliness Told me to cut the craziness Told me about your new theory of foreverness A concept I never really grasped until you were gone You laughed and said of all the things I left that you returned or threw at me, Wtf did you save that empty bottle for? Your playfulness meant you already knew a spliff or a dutch Years past, life flashed only constant You and OE, and us No relabeling, repackaging, just rekindling Just memories made while lacking trust Lacking anything which could lead to anything Even remotely related to an us You was right when you said it first, I was stuck You had me twisted where neither of us wanted to be But we were acting so juvenile and selfish we just refused to open eyes and see. I was 13 years old when this started You and OE were my first secrets, my first kisses, my last crushes Abused and mistreated, once you got out you pulled me out, made me see what life was supposed to be about We were friends, but never once did we shake hands Years later, one night, one OE turned three and time spent not sipping, no d&ck slipping I forgot the what ifs and your words led to this. I found it hard to keep you a secret, but I did Outta respect for myself, your wife and all these kids Didn’t run into anyone until we were together And then everyone appeared with the same question Is J still around Around? I wanted to shout And in and behind and on top Instead, I would say, Yeah, he got married, nice woman, kids same age as mine Then I would scurry off as to not let them catch all the truth peering from my eyes Never would i ever claim you to be mine And, as time continued, and questions kept coming My lip started to quiver, my heart cried I couldn’t tell people you were going to die They would see the secret and our worlds would collide Remember how you would sit patiently at the foot of my bed Talking yourself into my pants When I knew you really wanted was to be Faithful to your wife Watching you try to internalize this struggle Made me realize we couldn’t do this That the stress on top of this medical mess Was not allowing you to get any rest You got the worst of me While you made me see the best Always treated me different from the rest Called me on my b&llsh&t Made me accountable never felt judged or attacked Knew no matter what I did you how mad you got you always had my back – Every morning you laid in Boston Surrounded by family, making final memories I opened the cabinet Stared at the bottle tripping, During daylight I was to blame And at Night I pointed at you. I finally ended the game when I saw the manifestation of all of your physical pain and it made my whole psyche hurt, made me feel unworthy of any feelings, emotionally drained, stole words I thought of you and the struggles your family was going through vowed to work on being just friends with you F^ck that, you said, we were never friends You are my incestuous sister the only one who understands Who and what I am and what I’ve been through Who, no matter what, has been my glue Recalling long nights and longer talks Memory lane strolling, And days spent kicking rocks. In between ventilated breaths And nursing checks, Jafar Skyped you to me we laughed about the past I remember everything you said Told me you told Jafar after our first time That you had found a thoroughbred I was disgusted and enlightened begged you to continue fighting You held your head, the same manner you did The night you told me you would die There was no fanfare, harps, violins I tried in vain to wipe away the countless tears I shed On this 100th day of you being gone I remain strong, I keep holding on Saw your mom last week, three months to date Stopped at your sisters too, told them bout Dukes Crazy, both them said they know he was sent by you That everyone needed someone and to just let go, enjoy this, but take it slow These statements I have pondered many nights thought through I decided to believe in him that I want to make it true charismatic, enigmatic personality shining though as soon as I met him I knew he was special but not one thing reminded me of you We don’t have the history or the memories I don’t know what he wants, or what any of his favorite any things are Learning by trial and error is intense and hard Especially when my whole body felt abused beaten so hard the bruises are scarred I just loved and lost in total silence Negative conscious emotional reactions To past personal acts I refuse to repeat So every time I feel it, I resolve to let my heart speak Not holding back my feelings cuz you never know When or how life can end or when someone will just go You have sent me someone strong enough To handle what no one else could do To make me open up to him when no one but you would do He asked about my OE bottle Like he already knew Like you told him my secret before you sent him here how much I needed to keep holding on to something tangible how inside I am a nightmare full of fears How do I explain the message in the bottle when I know you will never reappear but for him to understand me, I can't emit our friendship, your death or the importance growth makes in being part of someone for over 23 years Just the thought of not picking up the phone to tell you causes snot and tears Do I hand him these 726 letters I can’t even Fathom retrieving without my insides grieving That whisper our history together That convey the deeper meaning When he questioned me about the bottle It was then I realized OE was empty. That the memories I had and the Times we shared weren’t contained inside That no matter how hard I rubbed you would never bob your head on my command It took three hours for me to get it downstairs And the weight of the decision seemed to steal my air I gently placed her in the garbage and sighed I realize, with or without OE Your theory of foreverness will never die.