Poetry Critiques : From Humble Beginnings

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Mikha'el, Oct 18, 2009.

  1. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Everyone.....I'm new to the forum...but anyways....This Joint is the first in a series of Joints that me n a friend aaron are writing to be published which deal with the personal and professional relationship between hip-hop and the Mc....Welp Enjoy

    Me- It all started back when we was both young n innocent
    new to world who'd know we'd be doing world tours
    back in the day we was nodding to the beats i was drumming on the floor
    Bobbin ya head at the same time making rhymes
    Lyrics to a beat brithed a masterpiece called hip hop
    unforseen was the relationship that would stem from this
    For we was young guns unaware of what love really is
    Just a bunch of kids frolcing in the wind
    Enjoying our innocence for it turned sour by the gin
    It started off as something simple just a way for us to have fun n express ourselves
    To make a positive out of something negative
    When in reality the gift n curse is our bond doesn't the truth hurt
    yes it does the road we venture will be challenged by the costomers
    As well as lying n cheating n temptaion
    Might as well as say our relationship begins n ends today
    Friends n critics feel the same way
    I announce the death of us on this same day

    Aaron - Immaculate conception of rhythm mixed with lyrical precision
    Phrases of amazement were da key to da initiative
    Wordplay for day s across pasture s of a tenure called Hip Hop
    Foremention our wishful sentences, no future jus ventilation
    Just wordplay and plaques from reality's play on pain
    But we were in love, two love birds who chirped to stay out of the cage
    Jus some young adolescents who learned and tauqht life lessons
    From dha school of hard knocks had smif-n-wessuns tested
    Penciled in the multiple choice,. dha voice of the essay
    No pen and pad, but da pad to the board and the words breathless
    But the truth hurts, the gift and the curse the qift
    A christmas past with as many trees lit as Saint Nick
    No saints, just sinners in ambivalence, anqer
    Cue the violins, grew violent and tortured
    Went from younq love to pain beauty and fortune
    Extortion to comform was dha form to dha offsprinq
    An abortion of abandoned namesakes and nations
    For the continent was confidence and failures a state of mind
    So we immiqrate towards another country bred of money
    And feedin impregnated minds
    Yet i miss him but maybe some other time.
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Hi and welcome Mike to destee.com and the honest critiques

    This joint was tyte it could have had more depth is it was broken in verses
    or maybe a stanza style over all this was great
    again welcome to the poetic house .
     
  3. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks ^_^

    N its broken into 2 verses
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    MiKe (and Aaron) ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

    Thanks for joining us and sharing!

    I think your (yall's) poetry is great great great !!! :toast: :toast: :toast:

    Wishing you the very best on your book endeavor, and please make yourself at home, because you are!

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Destee ^_^

    Side note - destee u reminding me of erykah badu with the fro Lol <3
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Thank You! :love:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No problem

    Have u ever straightened ya hair?
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Yes, lived most of my life with permed hair. I went natural about 3 years ago, cutting it all off, and starting over.

    Here are some pictures of the before and after : http://destee.com/forums/album.php?albumid=1

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    O i see i can dig it

    I like the lil fro =]
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Thanks ... my hair has grown too much to even make a real fro anymore ... i like the little one too ... :)

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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