Poetry Critiques : For Him

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Dlovely, Dec 28, 2005.

  1. Dlovely

    Dlovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'll never forget,
    Our first real kiss.
    It's moments like that,
    I really miss.

    When you were around,
    I had no fear.
    Things aren't the same,
    Without you here.

    Now when I see you,
    I pretend that I'm fine,
    I'm just not happy,
    When your not mine.

    I know we won't be together again,
    Even though I Wish We were.
    You have already moved on,
    Cuz now your with her.
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this was on point expressed well
    great stanza i wouldn't change a thing
     
  3. PatriceCQueen

    PatriceCQueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    While it is true that this piece is done well
    i would ask you to cosider taking one word out
    below i show the example

    I would take the but out for it carries a take away
    negating what is previously said
    however in this piece all words are true even when they disagree


    Now when I see you,
    I pretend that I'm fine,
    But I'm just not happy,
    When your not mine.



    Now when I see you,
    I pretend that I'm fine,
    I'm just not happy,
    When your not mine.



    it does not sound correct when just reading the stanza
    when you try it n the poem and read it through
    u might get another feeling

    part of you might say it sounds iffy

    as with any thought it is how you choose to evolve your piece

    Peace
    Patrice

     
  4. Dlovely

    Dlovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you, for thati will make that change
     
  5. Joyce

    Joyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi Dlovely,

    I really enjoyed this poem. If critique is what's desired I only saw two things that I would change.

    I'm just not happy,
    When your not mine.

    This should be:

    I'm just not happy,
    When you're not mine.

    You're is you are. You are not mine. not: your not mine.
    Your is possesive like for example...this is your poem.

    The second thing is when rhyming all the way through, it is absolutely important that the flow not be broken at the end. Always read your entire poem out loud then ask youself how can I tweak this to make it flow even better. Rarely should we ever take the first writing without rewriting. Sometimes I write...then pick it up days or weeks later and tweak it again before I share it with someone else. Some people brag about writing poems everyday. But I have found quality to be more important than quanity.

    When I read this finally verse, I felt a bump in the flow.

    I know we won't be together again,
    Even though I Wish We were.
    You have already moved on,
    Cuz now your with her.

    We won't ever be together again,
    Even though I wish we were.
    The love we had is just a passing sun,
    Because you're now with her.


    It's your poem so YOU tweak it the way you want...the above is just an example of how it can flow a little better. Also, please place at least two or more metaphors in your poetry for a more beautiful expression.

    My favorite line in this poem:

    I'll never forget,
    Our first real kiss.
    It's moments like that,
    I really miss.

    the reader can tell that it is the warmth and closeness that the poet is conveying that's missed. Well done. You convey very clearly throughout your writing. Some poets take pride in being complex and vague, thus we have so many people who don't even like to read poetry. Your clarity is good. There's no confusion anywhere to be found.

    Thanks for being brave enough to get under a spot light. I've done that many times. It doesn't always feel good but it always work for your good.

    Joyce
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    such a beautiful flow had to up this again