Black Short Stories : [ Fire && Water ] -- Prt . I

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Kahina_bby, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. Kahina_bby

    Kahina_bby New Member MEMBER

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    Okay . =] so its my 1st time on this && i love to write stories && stuff . I would really like some feedback . =]]

    Water

    ' what a long day ! ' , i thought to myself , as i stacked the last pair of blue denim jeans on the shelf . Today was , by far , the longest && boring -- est day at Body Shop , which was 1 of the popular stores in the mall && where i worked . My best friend , Demetria , felt just the same as me . She was either looking out the door to see if anybody would have a heart to walk in or just opening && closing the register . I sighed out loud && asked , " Girl .. when is lunch ? Or something ? && why is it so dead today ? Its Friday . " "I know , girl . Usually , all the teenagers would be in here by now . Xxpecially when we having a sale like this . " The sale was ' buy 1 get 1 half -- off && a pair of shades for free ' . Nowadays , evrybody was sporting some shades . Hot or cold weather . Just then , our manager , Maggie , walked in . She was snacking on a salad with a bottle of water under her arm . Maggie was about in her late 30s or early 40s . Regardless of the age , she looked young && knew how to keep herself up . Always had her hair && nails done . Me .. i just do me .. naturally . With my smooth pecan brown skin , brown eyes , && medium -- cut jet black hair thats in a wrap , i also stood @ about 5 '' 5 . Demetria , on the other hand , was the complete opposite . She was xxactly 5 '' 8 , with dark pecan brown skin , dark brown eyes , && short dark brown hair . It was styled nice , like how Halle Berry had hers in 007 . " Hi , Maggie . " "Hey , girls . You can go on your lunch break now . Ill take over from here . Have fun . You have a hour . " A hour ? Shooot . Not only was me && Demetria going to eat , but also shop . Besides , im pretty sure somebody is having a formal or classy event coming up . Demetria looked at me && i gave her this ' dont - say - nothing ' look . She threw me my black Coach purse while she got hers out from under the counter . I walked to the front of the store && waited for her . " A hour right , Maggie ? " " A hour . " , she said , smiling . I waved quickly @ Maggie and instantly grabbed Demetrias hand . " Cmon girl . She said a hour . Lets go before she decides she wanna cut back && make it 45 mins . " " Okay okay . " , said Demetria , as we hurried out of Body Shop . Since the food court was right there , it didnt take me no time to find out what i wanted to eat . I was in the mood for Chinese , so i just decided to go to Cajun Grill . Me && Demetria stopped in the front of Chik - Fil - A && looked around . I noticed a couple of guys looking @ us while some girls just watched && looked , as thou something was wrong . I didnt even bother to look back . It just wasnt my thing . I was more laid -- back && settled , while Demetria is outspoken && busy . " Girl .. did you just see that ? Them broads was ... " " Demi . Dont start . Do not start today . " , i said , while laughing a little bit . I knew Demi , && i knew she was bound to say something . I just shook my head @ her && continued to look around the food court . After looking around for about 3 mins , i stopped . Standing in front of Burger King .. was what caught my eye . From behind , he looked like if i seen him from the front , i would pass out . He looked about 6 '' 0 or 6 '' 1 , with light pecan brown skin thats the colour of a peanut , && black hair that was cut low && from the side , i could tell he had a nice tape . " Karmella , girl . Who or what is you starin @ so hard ? " , asked Demetria . I could hear her , but my thoughts was somewhere else . Just then , he turned around . && i felt my heart almost drop . He looked just like Nelly . I mean , yes .. he was that sexy just as he looked from the back . " Ooh .. ooh . Yeah . Now i see . " , said Demetria . I raised 1 eyebow && just looked . Because after all , thats all i could do .

    Fire

    " Thanks . " , i said to the young girl as she handed me my food . She smiled , then winked her eye @ me && along with that , licked her lips . I just shook my head and turned away . I scanned the food court to see where i could find a empty table . As i looked , my eyes stopped .. && so did my mind . Right across the food court stood the most sexiest woman ive seen in my life . Her eyes met my eyes , && i couldnt help but to keep staring . I mean ... She was just that fine . She stood about 5 '' 5 , with nice pecan brown coloured skin , with medium -- cut jet black hair that looked permed && natural .. just like I liked it . Her eyes looked to be brown , like a rich brown colour . I licked my lips && made this stare in my eyes . I felt like I could walk over && talk to her , but i just couldnt . " Yo ! " , i heard somebody yell . I shook my head and looked around to find my 2 homeboiis , waving their hands @ me . I acknowledged them && walked over . ' dang . ' , was all i could say to myself . I walked over to the table with my head down , too . I didnt want to look up && still find her looking @ me . It would make it seem like i didnt want her .. which i did .. A LOT . " Yo , Julius . What was you staring @ , yo ? " , asked my homeboii Jamal . I looked @ him && shook my head , while i sat down . " Nothing , man . Nothing . Yo .. how that food is over there ? " , i asked . I pointed @ his food && he pointed @ some Chinese place . " Ooh . You stay on the China tip , Jay . " " Yeah , well ... They do have the best women . " , he said with a smile . I just shook my head && laughed @ him . My other homeboii , Marcus , was busy chowing down on his fries && his whooper from Burger King . I got a whooper too , with some xxtra bar - b - q sauce . Just for my fries . " Aww Ju -- Ju . You got the sauce , too ?! " " Yeah man ! Whats wrong with that ? " , i asked him . I dipped 3 of my fries in my bar - b - q sauce && ate it peacefully . " Man .. " " Life is good .. when you got bar - b - que sauce in it . " , I said . We all busted out laughing && continued eating . Even thou i was eating , my mind was still on Her . I watched her from behind as she stood in line @ the Cajun Grill . ' hm . She is fine . With a body like that .. && the looks ... ' " Yo . " , said Marcus . Me && Jamal looked @ Jamal && he said , " Yo . Check em out . " He pointed over to the Cajun Grill where Her && her friend was standing . A smile spread across my face && Jamal said , " Ooh .. ooh . Dang . They is fine . Xxpecially the 1 with the long hair . Mmm ! She could get it . " Jamal slapped hands with Marcus && started laughing . " Nah son . Ill take her friend . You know i like my girl with some meat on her bones . && by the looks of it .. she got a lot . I wouldnt mind biting on that && this anytime on her ! " I just shook my head @ them and ate my fries . Just then , Jamal turned 2wards me && said , " Ooh . So now i see what you was looking @ . Ju , why dont you go up && talk to her ? I mean .. you know you got the charm . Dont front , man . " I laughed @ Jamal && said , " Yeah . I know . But .. thats a LADY . Not no lil girl . Thats a real WOMAN . I could tell she don turned down plenty of dudes . I dont wanna be like them . " " But . How will you ever know if you never tried ? " , asked Marcus . He had a point . I stopped eating && wipped my mouth . I looked at her again , but this time , she was gone from in front of the Cajun Grill . I searched around for Her && found Her , sitting with her friend , which was a couple of tables away from us . ' mmm . ' I watched her as she smiled before she ate her rice && licked her lips as she was done . I licked my lips too . Dang . I want her .. BAD . I mean .. She just looked so right . " Alright . Imma go . " , && with that , i got up . I looked at her as she wipped her mouth && took a sip from her drink . Her skin looked smooth , too . Dang . I want her .

    ( To Be Continued ... )
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very nice story line.....
    welcome to destee.com
     
  3. phynxofkemet

    phynxofkemet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If I may

    suggest, to make it easier on your reader can you please replace the ampersands (&) and @ marks. In reading a story, your style is important to the overall tone and setting. Using abbreviations, numbers, and symbols makes it more difficult to read; although it is a wonderful way to prepare your first draft... I do mean this constructively and hope it helps with your development.
     
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