Black Relationships : "Fathherless" women lack relationship skills

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by sadie's brown, Dec 8, 2003.

  1. sadie's brown

    sadie's brown Active Member MEMBER

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    Ladies do you believe that black women/black females are disadvantaged with regards to possessing the "essential" skills to build effective relationship with men? I've notice that among my firends you can pretty much tell those who have had a good relationship with their fathers or at least a relationship with their fathers. Quite frankly in generall they have a easier time (manipulating for lack of a better word :x: ) men than those who have not. Even one of my ex commented that he could usually tell within twnety minutes if a "sistah" had a relationship with her father or not...and he felt that generally such women approached relationship differently.

    Do any of you all have thoughts or comments?
     
  2. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes, I truly believe a lot of Black women have a difficult time with relationships. From what I know, women who have a good relationship with their fathers are less likely to select the "wrong man" or tolerate an abusive relationship. They know men are human and do not generalize as much as a woman who has a bad relationship or no relationship at all with their father. And if they are in a bad relationship, they are more apt to leave it and move on with their lives without harsh feelings against all men.

    More often than not, women who have abusive fathers tend to select the same type of personality in the men they choose for relationships.
     
  3. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    sadie's brown:

    No, I do not believe that blackwomen/black females are disadvantaged with regards to possessing the "essential" skills to build effective relationships with men.

    It seems reasonable to assume that anyone, including Black women, might experience difficulties in relationships with the opposite gender if there are no positive role models from which to emulate or learn their bahavior. However, I don't necessarily agree that Black women, in general, who don't have relationships with their father are necessarily crippled or disadvantaged because of this biological-relational lack. It might be true in some cases, but not all, and it's certainly not a condition that is racially based..


    Regina:

    I truly believe that there are women period, not just Black women, that have a difficult time with relationships. I don't think it would be difficult to understand why some women who have 'good' relationships with their fathers might be less likely to get involved in 'bad' relationships. But as we all know, there are exceptions to every rule. And true, she might be less tolerant of abusive relationships, but again, I don't believe that these issues are strictly racially based because who are we comparing Black women to, given all things are equal?

    In terms of relationships, I don't see Black women being worse off than women of any other race as far as her ability or inability to build effective relationships with men. My contention is, minimally, we are just as capable as anyone else.

    And Regina, any man or woman, Black or not, father/less in the home, that doesn't know that men are human needs to seek medical attention immediately. Because a Black woman is in a 'bad' relationship, are you suggesting that she doesn't know that men are human? What exactly do you mean by that? I know Black men and women, some fathers in the home and some not, some good relationships and some not so good, who have been hurt in relationships and find it difficult not to generalize their experiences.

    Even though we may have personal experiences that cause us to question our abilities as a people, I would caution us not to believe that Black women as a group, are on a dysfunctional landslide emotionally when it comes to relationships with men. We are not unique in that category and I rebuke the notion entirely. In the grand scheme of things, Black women are able to locate, live and laugh with and love our (Black) men very well!


    Peace.
     
  4. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You would never know it by the Black divorce rate and the number of unmarried Black women...
     
  5. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    See, I can look at things from different angles and draw different conclusions whenever I do. There are no absolutes in this discussion as far as I'm concerned.

    Regina, the divorce rate tells you what? When you read the data do you automatically assume that everytime a Black couple gets divorced it's because the Black woman had negative relationship issues with a father or the lack of one? The divorce rate does not explain that when I read it and I'm always skeptical of how/why these numbers are collected and reported. Who is doing the counting/reporting? We need to be careful with how we handle information and never assume that just because someone wrote it that it should become our truth and our reality. Besides, why can't these divorced Black women be the same type of women that you described earlier and let me quote you:

    Also, how can you lump all SINGLE BLACK WOMEN in the same group by assuming that the reason they are single is because they either grew up in fatherless homes or had bad relationships with their fathers? Aren't there other reasons that could explain why there are single Black women in our society?

    People please....UPLIFT...don't keep tearing down! Balance the discussion.

    :help:
     
  6. sadie's brown

    sadie's brown Active Member MEMBER

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    I am not pointing the finger

    I guess one of the things I trying to "get at" with regards to black women possibly lacking the skills to make relationships was less about the choices black women make and more about the dynamics of the relationship itsef...the give and take aspects of relationships. Black women are often criticized for not having team work or operating as part of a team (I disagree) b/c I believe that even if you grow up in a single parent houselhold you learn teamwork...most single mothers have an extended support system even if it mostly consist of other single parents).

    I was thinking more along the lines of:
    What skills do black females who are reared in nurturing two-parent home acquire or develop in comparison to black females who are reared in single parent household (if there are differences). Or what skills are easier for black females reared in two-parent housholds? Similarly, I could question if black females who are raised in nurturing single-parent household develop or acquire certain skills easier than those who are raised in two-parent homes.

    I am not trying to point the finger at black women...black men maybe disadvantaged also. Futhermore, black men marriage rate only "outpaces" black women. This is no surprise given that there are roughly one million more black women in the us than there are black men. Black americans have one of the lowest marriage rates in the world!
     
  7. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    i agree with nnqueen
    we cannot look at this topic interms of absolutes or generalize because that would only make matters worse. but from my perspective i must say that i think that some black women, that have had limited interaction with their father lack the proper communication tools when faced in a situation where she and her man differ in opinion.this is apparent to me, if you grow up seeing your mother snap off at men, more then likely, the daughter will do the same...regardless of the race. this is mere human nature.that's the one thing that black women have on them, loud mouths :lol:, but i would not change it for the world. circular cycles are hard to break, like i said before, no matter what the race...this is not just a black thing...
    one love
    khasm
     
  8. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    NNQueen,

    I wasn't trying to lump all of the unmarried women in a category. I am not trying to tear down my sisters, but let's be real...a father is the first man a little girl loves and her relationship with him will affect the relationships she has with men.

    Sadie's Brown,

    NNQueen was talking about me pointing the finger, not you. I think this is a good topic. Thanks for bringing it up, it is one that should be discussed.
     
  9. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Regina, I am being real. A father isn't always the first man that a girl loves...but if one is in the home and he's a 'good' parent, he most likely will be. A father-figure can be any man that wears that hat and interacts in a girl's life. A father-figure could be a grandfather, uncle, brother, etc. I agree completely with you when you write that a "father" will affect the relationships a girl has with men--both good and bad. If there is no father-figure present, a young girl may not be as equipped in judging a man as one who has been exposed to a father-figure, but I still believe that women are capable of learning through other means. All women who don't have fathers in the home are not dysfunctional when it comes to building good relationships with men, in my opinion. And I especially don't believe that Black women are lacking in skills in that area or have greater problems that way as compared to other women.

    Yeah Sadies Brown...keep the dialogue going.
     
  10. sadie's brown

    sadie's brown Active Member MEMBER

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    My thoughts?

    I agree that fatherless black females aren't the only black females choosing irresponsible males, so called thugs, and /or gangbangers. Neither do female who are reared in home were there are Responsible/involved fathers naturally the "super relationship sistahs."

    Queen, I agree that many male relatives can be good active role models and father figures. However, the relationship between said uncle, grandfather, male kin and the mother is drastically different from a partnership between a male and a female (marriage/common-law etc). Compromising with family is one thing..compromising with a husband is a little different. How does a black female who is reared in a home with a mother and a strong grandfather learn how to deal with the difficulties that marriage/skills may bring...what happens when things don't go her way? How do you manipulate (Yes manipulate because sometimes in order to get stuff done a sistah all women will have to deal with the great male ego). :hammer: It's easy to get things from male kin (for some of us)...hell it's not my job to deal with their male egos (it's their wives). :D

    I have a harder time dealing with the male ego. I wonder if this is because most of childhood involved close relationships with male kin who were good father figures..rather than a close relationship with my father. My friends (who were reared in homes with good fathers) do not seems to experience male ego as an assault on their personhood or a big deal as much those of us (other friends and myself) who were reared in single-parent household. I did benefits a little from my grandparents exchanges as well as other relatives but "not day in and day out...so to speak."

    Any thoughts? I am still looking for the spellcheck button. :nuts:
     
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