Black Relationships : Father

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Standard, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. Standard

    Standard Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2016
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +7
    I was going to post this in the men's forum but thought, I am tired of all efforts to divide black men and black women, so I'm putting it in the relationship forum where black people can give their opinion.

    It's simple. I am single; no children. I met a single women who is amazing and who has a daughter. Should I pursue a relationship with her ? Doing so would mean I would essentially become the father of her daughter.

    What are your thoughts ?
     
  2. Precise Allah

    Precise Allah Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2009
    Messages:
    1,156
    Likes Received:
    682
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Peacemaker
    Location:
    Atlanta Georgia
    Ratings:
    +812
    Peace,

    What are your intentions towards the woman, the daughter? If your intentions are honorable and you feel you can do right by the mother and daughter then I say go for it. Single parent mothers need love too.

    Peace
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2001
    Messages:
    3,786
    Likes Received:
    679
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the near north
    Ratings:
    +859
    Are you a serious minded man, who takes responsibilities seriously? I ask that because you're going into/thinking of going into a relationship that involves a child; something that should never be taken lightly. Taking on a "ready-made" family can be a challenge...if you're not (mentally) prepared for it: along with the usual intimate relationship issues, is the issue of connecting with the child; having patience enough to understand that the best interest of the child comes before your wants/desires. MOST KIDS ARE RESISTANT TO ANOTHER MAN COMING INTO THEIR HOME. That's not to say that ALL THAT MATTERS is the child; that's not true. There comes a time when everyone in the relationship has to be considered. However, there must be a conversation between you and moms...to set the playing field; to lay out the ground rules; to get an understanding of what's expected of both of you. There also should be a conversation about the child's father...and how he play into the relationship; to think that the father doesn't matter is naïve. If you're going to have issues with the father coming around, you should walk away now. THAT'S HIS CHILD. If he wants to be involved in his child's life, you should be supportive of that. If not, it could destroy your relationship with the child...which could destroy your relationship with the mother. UNDERSTAND YOUR BOUNDARIES. If the relationship leads to marriage--which you should be considering, since there is a child involved--and you two have a child, you have to realize that you still have a father-role to play with your (step) child...and you cannot play favorites.

    There is so much to consider when going into a relationship with a woman, or man, who have a child that's not your own. Prepare yourself, mentally, before moving forward. Search your soul...for things that you may have prejudices about. During this soul searching, you have to be completely honest with yourself; understanding that a simple argument with your mate isn't as simple when a child is involved. How you relate to that child could determine how your relationship goes with the mother.

    Consider ALL things.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Thank You Thank You x 1
    • List
  4. Standard

    Standard Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2016
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +7
    Exactly !

    Thank you so much baller. I have been thinking about this so much - all the implications. It's a life decision.
     
  5. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    32,791
    Likes Received:
    11,627
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +14,132
    no, you would not....
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    35,096
    Likes Received:
    9,117
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,928


    :hello: Standard ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave: :wave: :wave:

    I agree with all those before me, including Brother jamesfrmphilly ... in that you will not be the child's Father.

    Only one man took part in the child's creation, and it was not you. Become one with that.

    It is essential should you accept this task, as it will be your responsibility to help foster and encourage a loving relationship between the Father and child, if there is not one already. After all, it is what is best for the child, to know and love their natural Father and that's what you want for them ... what is best ... right?

    It's not easy taking on an already made Family - a very noble gesture indeed.

    I think it would matter how old you, the Mother, and child are ... might speak to some maturity levels ... but you seem quite mature already, trying to consider all that might go into such a decision.

    I want someone to marry me and my children ... (in the quiet spaces of my mind).

    I think it's every Single Mother's dream, to have love, help, support and stuff.

    She must be a very special lady ... good luck to you all.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. UnderEveryStone

    UnderEveryStone New Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +0
    The only way youd be her father is if you marry her mom. If your serious about settling down then go ahead, but dont put effort into something thats just temporary cause the little girl would probably take the news the hardest.
     
  8. Precise Allah

    Precise Allah Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2009
    Messages:
    1,156
    Likes Received:
    682
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Peacemaker
    Location:
    Atlanta Georgia
    Ratings:
    +812
    Peace,

    Wow, y'all tough on the Fathers. Who and what a Father is, is determined by the child as much as the person claiming to be Father. I personally know several men who are not the biological of a son or daughter who are considered the Father just as I know many biologicals who are not worthy of the title.

    In my Nation Allah is called by many "the Father" and 50 years later he is still considered by some to be "Father" on a very personal level. What's real is what's realized.

    Peace
     
  9. Bootzey

    Bootzey Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    1,967
    Likes Received:
    783
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Don't Ask
    Location:
    Metro ATL
    Ratings:
    +904
    How old is the child?

    And why did you point out that the child is a girl rather than just asking if you should date a woman with a child?
     
  10. Standard

    Standard Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2016
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +7
    Her daughter is 4 years old.

    This is my personal case. This is my reality at the moment. Also, some time before getting to know the name of the daughter her mother would always refer to her as "my daughter", "my daughter", "my daughter" so for me it's now natural when not referring to the daughter by her name to do so with "her daughter".
     
Loading...