Black Relationships : Extremely Confused

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by VirgoVixen, Sep 20, 2003.

  1. VirgoVixen

    VirgoVixen New Member MEMBER

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    Hi Everyone! I'm new here and I hope that ya'll can help me. Sorry if this ends up being long. About three years ago I befriended a wonderful man. We were the closest of friends...best friends almost. We confided in each other about everything. (I thought.) About two years into the friendship we discovered that we had strong feelings for each other and began dating. It was absolutely beautiful. I thought I had found the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. I had never been happier. About six months into the relationship, he told me that there was something that he had not told me in all the years that we had been friends. He had herpes. (We never slept together.) He contracted from an ex girlfriend. He was afraid that telling me would mean losing me and he didn't want to do that because he wanted to marry me. That was a year ago. About four months after he told me our relationship ended. I broke up with him because I was scared and a little angry that he had never told me. But the truth is I'm still madly in love with this man. I'm convinced that he has to be my soul mate but I can't get passed the STD thing. He has offered a non-sexual marriage and adopting kids as long as he is with me but just doesn't sound realistic.

    Since we broke up we have remained extremely close friends (like we were before we started dating). We are both seeing new people but neither of us are as happy as we were when we were together. I can't speak for him but my current boyfriend loves the hell out me and treats like an angel. I care for him too but just not like I love my ex. I feel like I'm with my current boyfriend because it is the easier to do then to be with person I really love. That is so sad because I'm happy or better yet content but not fulfilled.

    Does anyone have any advice? Is it wrong for me to be scared? Should I have to sacrifice my health or my heart?
     
  2. NADIA*BINTA

    NADIA*BINTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    peace VirgoVixen...

    first wanna WELCOME ya to the place 2 be... DESTEES :)...
    WELCOME... WELCOME... WELCOME!!! :) :) :)

    now... indeed it sounds you have some serious thinking to do about your situation... don't know how much advice i can offer... cause a sistah's in need of some too :)... but your words seemed sad... & i wanted to holla @ ya... let ya know i feel ya...

    sounds like your friend/lover truly digs ya... but like you... i don't know how realistic a non-sexual marriage would be... (although i've heard of them)... but how could ya not wanna get your freak on w/someone you love & are obviously attracted to?

    if you are still truly loving this man... yet you're w/another guy... how is that gonna flow ultimately if the one you're with wants to be happily ever after w/ya?...

    know i've just thrown alot of questions @ ya... BUT all in all... think about it... don't rush either way... & if you pray... pray about it... okay?

    peace & blessings
     
  3. NADIA*BINTA

    NADIA*BINTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    oh yeah... it's DEFINITELY not wrong to be scared and NO you shouldn't have to sacrifice your health or your heart...

    not that i'm an expert on STD's but research on what kind your friend has... see if there's a way to play w/satisfaction w/o contracting...

    okay... that's my last 2cents for now...

    peace
     
  4. SwtT

    SwtT Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WELOCME TO DESTEES!!!!!!!!!
    :wave:
    Well, I would usually say follow your haert...but in this situation...I don't know.....Use your mind as well as your haert...if you loved this man as much as you say you do, you can get past the std....that is if you ARE SURE you will spend the rest of your life with him...pray on it..
    :heart:
     
  5. VirgoVixen

    VirgoVixen New Member MEMBER

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    Even if I spend the rest of my life with him I don't know if I wantedd to spend the rest of my life with herpes. I have no idea if I can deal with that forever.
     
  6. Chaka

    Chaka Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Peace Sister. Let me pose this scenerio for you. Say that you had been married to this man for 30 years, and he suddenly contracted herpes. From an innocent source. Would you ditch the marriage? Herpes in the beginning or somewhere down the line, what matters if the Love is real. If you both truly love each other, and that's what you need to find out, then love always wins out, no matter what. If you love him and he you, and you are concerned about the physical limitations then you don't, in my opinion have a spiritual foundation that can support all trials.
    If you both are in Love and if you were to spend the rest of your life together, would you let a physical ailment disrupt a spiritual
    journey?
     
  7. sistahisis

    sistahisis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Love Who You Love

    the answer to your question lies only in you. what are your priorities in a relationship? would you be satisfied with adopting children and (possibly? most likely? definetly?) never giving birth to your own?

    My opinion: i'd say go for the one u truly love and not the one that u are only comfortable with. i think u would be happier in the long run as long as you are honest with yourself.


    :peace: :luvv: :lol:

    sistah isis
     
  8. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Sistah Isis...welcome!!! What a colorful display for your message. You're truly unique. Enjoy your time with us! :)

    Peace!
     
  9. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Hi Virgo Vixen and welcome to our community. You've asked for advice relative to your dilemma. In reality, only you have the power to ultimately decide what to do about your friend, but I'd like to give you a little something to think about.

    I don't think it's unusual for you to be afraid of the disease (herpes). I believe there are several forms--Herpes Simplex II could be the sexually transmitted form. It wouldn't hurt to do some research and talk to people in the medical profession to get more reliable information.

    I've known several women who have it and from what they've told me, it can be quite painful and extremely embarassing. There's no cure for it. It's a form of a virus that in it's inactive stage, lies dormant at the base of the spine. I could be wrong but I think I've read that it's only contagious in it's active stage or "flare ups" as they are frequently called. I also think that the virus can be transmitted in very casual circumstances, i.e., kissing if the breakout is in the area of the mouth (watch out for what people call "cold sores"), toilet seats, etc., and naturally during sexual intercourse, including oral sex. I don't believe it's life threatening but it's still a disease.

    I'm sure there are some precautions that a couple could take to avoid transmitting the virus between partners. Without question I would avoid any physical contact when there are flare ups. Condoms, dental dams and possibly avoiding certain types of sexual activity might be in order. Basically, just being smart about the whole situation.

    My final comment has to do with just how much you think you love this person. If fear can easily come between you, then I would question what you thought you felt could be called "love."

    Life isn't always as we romanticize it to be. Most times it's just plain real if you're not afraid to look at it like that. If everytime the wind blows you quiver and shake, then if I was you, I would take a spiritual journey of self-inspection before I moved toward a different relationship with this man. Ground yourself sister. Strenghten your resolve. Love the man and not his image. Stare fear in the face and claim victory over it. If it was you in his shoes, how would you feel?

    Peace!
     
  10. whisper

    whisper Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    several years ago a friens of mies had contracted herpes. her boyfriend at the time gave it to her. she only found out because i was taking her to a clinic instead of her hering it from the doctor he told her. wll that has been almost 10 years ago.one child and a happy marriage. ever now and then she has flair ups and has to take her meds. but they chose to stay together no only cause they love each other but also not so hurt others and spread it more. but you do what you feel that is right in your heart to do. that is something you will have to pray on and get professional opinion on too. if you decide to be with him. however much love there is from him you must learn to love yourself first.
     
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