Black Relationships : Extra Marital Affairs Turning Into Marriage

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Jun 30, 2011.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Has anyone here been the extra marital affair that actually ended up marrying the person you had the affair with? I'm just curious as to how you managed to get past the trust issues, the thoughts of them going to turn around and have affairs behind your back, etc. and if you believe that the marriage even stands a chance of lasting.
     
  2. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No first hand knowledge but I've seen different scenarios (few that ended with a marriage)...and could easily imagine myself in one. Given the right circumstances, some liquor, a fight and decreased willpower. Anyway -- 'it depends'. Depends on the situation and people involved and what motivated the individual to cheat, etc...AND how difficult it is to get out of their marriage. All situations are unique.

    *shrug*

    *************

    Friend, 'Mia', of the family's husband was cheating with his secretary. The woman came to the house and told the girl that she was pregnant. 'Mia' was 5 months pregnant as well. Nice. The shock of this and the situation that followed almost made her miscarry…
    SMH
    So...'Mia' and her hubby had it out. She threw him out. Changed the locks. He got mad. Tried to take custody of their kids. Had her followed by a private investigator. This broad was always showing up to the house asking the nanny questions. Now, they were in the process of having a house built. He was trying to get rid of the old house with her still in it. Put her out on the streets...basically.
    He was a criminal lawyer, by the way. Not to say that lawyers are bad - but, that's why he had so much pull...and was able to jerk her around as much as he did.
    Everything worked itself out, though. He sold the old house and let 'Mia' and their kids move into the new house (he paid the mtg and she can't sell until the youngest hits 18). He pays child support and their children's school tuition.
    He may or may not care for the woman. Who knows…but, I can tell you this: He married the 'other woman' because 'Mia' wouldn't have him.
    This was about 10 years ago. He's still apologizing and 'Mia' simply…hates his guts. My mother told her that she needed to let go of the hate...for her own sanity. I’d agree.

    The situation took a toll on the oldest daughter who was about 5 or 6 when this began. As a pre-teen, she was suicidal. Refused to deal with her dad. She got on the little roof outside of her bedroom window and threatened to jump off. Scared the ish out of my mother. She was almost kicked out of school.

    ‘Mia’ took her off the anti-depressants that he father put the girl on…which actually made her more susceptible to suicide ideation. Anti-depressants do help more than they hurt the children…still – parents have to pay attention and assess these little ones for ‘signs’. “Mia’ put her in some sort of work camp type thing…and she began to improve. Today, she’s in college and doing quite well. Pre-law major. Following in her daddy’s footsteps. She has a great relationship with him…now.

    She seems well-adjusted. She has a steady boyfriend and he appears to be a decent young man.
    It was touch and go with Mia’s youngest daughter and the ‘other’ woman’s son. Born a month apart.

    The boy was forever making snide comments about her and…how that boy could put on such airs is beyond me. That attitude had to have come from his awful low-rent jackal mother…

    They’re all trying to be one-big happy family.

    I mention the family front because you can’t squeeze that dynamic out. It all relates. If the cheater is comfortable and has something to lose in a divorce, i.e., children, spouse, assets, etc...they won’t leave. Or, if they do…they won’t leave the spouse for another partner…to start a brand new family…so blatantly. Some cheaters love their spouse. They just screw around, regardless....

    *************
     
  3. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a friend whose been having an affairS for 3 years. She's been married for 3 1/2.
    So...uh, yeah...*laugh* The first guy is a long-time love. The second is just some long-term affair with a guy. Both would be with her - but, she isn't taking it that seriously. I don't blame her.

    She asked me and I told her, "Divorce 'Chris' if you want - but, I surely don't advise you to settle up with THAT dude. Maybe 'Jahmal' but not him. You already know what he's capable of... He's a liar. A cheater. A deceitful person...and these traits do not a quality partner make. Hell - everyone has character flaws, but his won't facilitate a proper and respectful union..."

    She agrees, of course. She's not stupid, like these other women. She doesn’t actually want the other men. She just…doesn’t want her husband, I guess. She'll only discuss the matter with me because I'm nonjudgmental and I don't do 'unsolicited' opinions...like our mutual friends. One told her that she needed to 'start acting like a proper wife and treat Chris with some more g/d respect, 'cause if you knew that you couldn't be be a proper wife, you shouldn't have walked down that aisle! '
    *laugh*
    I LMAO...because it's funny (and true). I appreciate a good 'burn'.
    ...but, all joking aside? It's unnecessarily preachy. Why? Look - we ALL know that cheating wrong. The point is --> This the only eventuality that could've happened. She was bound to start to f’in’ around. She's unhappy. He's not her match...and she has little incentive to work on her marriage. That's the unfortunate truth. But, they'll probably stay married for 100 years, anyway... They're comfortable with each other. They don't want to be single. They don't want to start over...
    We all know how it is and how 'THAT' kind of dysfunction works.

    She made a mistake in marrying him, though. She knows it.
    Hell - we told her that! I told her that! Day before the wedding...and 5 months AFTER the wedding! None of us like him, but, I was willing to support the union if it's what she wanted. I mean, she's the one having to 'lay up' with him. Not me. Not us. I figured, 'maybe she sees something that we don't'.
    *shrug*
    So, she was out a-cheating (again) and almost got caught. Put me in the situation - practically making me lie to him for her. I was surprised that he couldn't tell because I happen to be a very bad liar. *laugh*
    I don't know how to lie right. You can tell that I'm lying by looking at me. I am always the one to spill the beans.
    ... and I just don't like doing things like that, in general. I don't want to be implicated in 'Da Coverup'. *laugh*
    So...in the aftermath, she'd discussed the issue with our friend who essentially dressed her down…a-gain.
    *laugh*
    ...and I don't do unsolicited opinions but she asked. Like always. I told her, "No...you shouldn't be cheating, but - I understand because...I mean - if you want my opinion, here it is: You shouldn'ta married his a..s, no way! But...eh. Now, whatever you choose is whatever you choose. Divorce him. Or don't... hell - but, take the children into consideration...because leaving means busting up the family unit and Chris is a good daddy. So, whatever you choose…meh. I'll back you...regardless."

    They're still married. They're going to be celebrating their 50'th in 47 years...watch.
     
  4. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Cheating.
    I'm going to go ahead of render my d*mning confession...because I'm 'half-a-fiance'. *laugh* We just havent' made it officual.
    I've learned that I’m not above the behavior. Yes, I did believe that I was. Now? I know myself enough to be honest with myself, know my limits…and avoid them. Anyone is susceptible to cheating. With some, it doesn't take much. With others, like myself, to cheat requires a 'Perfect Storm' type scenario.
    *laugh*
    I am not the cheating type. HOWEVER -- there is...one man….
    My first love. First 'everything'. I was 20 and he was 27. He was my fiancé, for a time.
    ...and, to answer your question, OP? If I did cheat with him...and we ended up together? He would not cheat on me. Nor I...him. It's not mindless lust that binds us. I'm not running away from my relationship problems to him. We have history. It's different. There is something real and heartfelt and tangible between us.

    When I go to Fl, I steer clear of anywhere that I think he'll be. The last time I saw him, was last year in the fall. Was out with my friends at an upscale black club doing my best ‘video-vixen’ impression. *laugh* Usually, I spot him first...and hide...because he stands out. This time, he saw me first and grabbed MY hand. I turned around, like, "…the hell is touching me now? I wish these males would learn how to --"
    ...and there he was looking down at me. With a sly grin. Before I knew it, I was in a bear-hug. I just...uh, let it happen? *laugh* I hadn't seen him in 3 years. I was so shocked. I don't know how long we stood there - but we stood there. Time just stops when we’re near each other. Still embracing - canoodling - in the center of the room, listening to him as he talked, ear to ear...and I was tearing up.
    ...and THEN --I remembered.
    'Thomas'...my man back home! Whoa...
    I worked my way out of the embrace and put a respectable distance between us. The next night, he showed at my friend's house 'to talk'.
    Now - he's a sort of dominant, confident 'I see it. I want it. I get it' kinda man. He doesn't actually care if I have someone else. He still calls me his 'wife'.
    'That's my wife...'
    Did I mention that he was already married?
    Yup. We’d reconnected. Dated a bit…and when I’d entertained the idea of us getting back together? He up and gets some random b…ch pregnant! WTF? She wasn’t even a ‘girlfriend’. He has money, so -- she probably got pregnant on purpose. Y'know how h..es are.

    So -- he wanted me to stick it out. No f’in’ way. It’s supposed to the two of us. Not me, him, some ‘baby-mama’ and her stray baby. How ghetto…. He only married the woman because he got her pregnant. He thought it the most honorable thing to do. Marry the mother of his children, I mean. Give the children some semblance of a family life. It may not make sense – but, that's just how he was raised. Either way, he tried to be the dutiful husband. Now, he just cheats all over her. Adores his little girl, though.

    I don't catch feelings very easily - but, I am emotional when it comes to him. I don't think straight. I still have love for him.
    So, we talked for a long while.
    He wanted me to move with him to Atlanta...SMH Well, I can't just up and leave 'Thomas' and I won't! And what about his wife and his child?
    He simmered down when I mentioned his little girl. He could divorce the woman…take the hit and get full custody of the child, he reasoned. Simple as that. According to him, ‘she’ was never supposed to be the mother of his child, anyway. My problem, according to him…is that I’ve never been a big picture person. Had I just stuck by him and trusted him to handle the mf'in situation – handle mf'in ‘her’ a..s – instead of just leaving him and running my stubborn a..s back to Texas….! He then told me that I 'just wasn't trying to understand the big picture'.

    So, that started an argument. I started crying.
    ...and I practically ran out of there. Got some takeout from Ihop and checked into a hotel.

    I flew home feeling oh so guilty, confused and, curiously enough, exhausted. ‘He’ drains me. I came home and fell asleep. 'Thomas' came home from work around 730p. Woke me up with a kiss and a 'grope' and handed me some takeout from Chili's.
    So sweet of him. I almost blurted about the other guy right then and there! *laugh*
    I didn't - but, let's just say that I cooked and 'catered' my behind off to him the rest of that month! *laugh*
    He brought the bed-tray over me then went to go get me a soda. "You hungry or you want to go out...? You want water or a soda or...? Ya'll must have had a fun time over there. You just came home and 'laid out'!" He laughed. Aww...
    I smiled faintly. "Yeah...it was fun...."
    "What's wrong..." So perceptive.
    Nothing...I just have a headache..."
    We chatted, ate, made love and I fell asleep in his arms while he watched Sports Center and briefly chatted with some business contacts. <- not necessarily in that order. *laugh*
    I felt safe and loved. It felt...right. I thought, 'What a fool I almost was. I love Thomas. I do. This is where I want to be.'
    It's not that I don't love ‘Thomas’ or love him less. Just...differently. 'Thomas' is a good man -- good to me. He really stuck by me during the rough periods of my life. He has inner beauty. I think....loyalty and gentle affection will always hold me to him, when all else fails.
    I'd planned to talk 'the situation' out with him. If we're to be married, I wanted to enter the union with a clear conscience. I wasn't sure if it was a smart idea - but it felt right.
    Still....I decided against it. I wondered...what if he began to doubt ME? Stopped trusting me. What if my admission created problems? Maybe...leading to a breakup...

    Then, I thought: Maybe that's selfish of me. I've already 'chosen' him over the other. So, what'd be the point in divulging? I'd be potentially hurting him and for what? It wouldn't improve the relationship or 'us'...becuase the main motivation for divulging is to feel better about myself.

    ...and i'm not sure that's...'right'?
    Hmm.
    Well...all of this internet 'monologuing' is therapeutic...I'll say that much. I can't really level with my friends as I do with perfect strangers...*laugh*
     
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