Black Relationships : Emotional Affairs

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Zulile, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I mentioned this topic in Sister Chat a couple weeks ago, thinking we could get a chat session out of it as I think it plays a large role in the disconnect in our relationships. Emotional affairs cover so many things, but basically means you're sharing intimate/personal thoughts/feelings with someone other than your partner - often to the exclusion of your partner and about your partner. Whether that be with your same sex friends, your family, or someone of the opposite sex.

    For me, an emotional affair outranks physical infidelity 10 to 1.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    who invented monogamy?

    :qqb013:what is the basis that we cannot share or relate with anyone except our partner? i mean who came up with that stuff?
     
  3. LindaChavis

    LindaChavis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    James

    I dont understand your point or question. Clarify please
    :SuN045: :thinking:
     
  4. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I believe it plays a large part in the disconnect as well, especially when you're talking about your partner and they do not have a clue. We all have a need to vent of course, but as difficult as it is to discuss some things with our partner, that's exactly what we need to do.
     
  5. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    why can't i share with whoever?

    as we all get bent out of shape over issues of monogamy, i wonder were the practice came from.
    is it brought to us by the same people who brought us monotheism? does anybody ever think about some of the stuff that we follow so determined?
    who says that we should all be monogamous? is it some ancient african practice? or did we learn it from the white man?

    why is it a standard?

    before i start following a practice i like to know the derivation of it. what is it's foundation in the law?
    did maat say i can only share emotions with my partner?
     
  6. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    I'm with you Brother James!

    Although we are one, we still are individuals who have different thoughts, needs, and desires. What i discuss with my s/o and what i discuss with my friend doesn't necessarily have to affect my relationship with my partner.

    Sometimes there will be issues i may not know how to present to my partner. A friend can help me to re-evaluate my concerns. Find solutions to my dilemma, let me know if i'm being to sensitive, or, whether i'm overreacting. A friend is like an extra support system (a go between if you will). Someone who can ease tension in a difficult time. Someone, who in return, you are there for also.

    My partner doesn't have to know every single detail about whats going on in my mind, and the truth is, no one person will ever know ever single detail pertaining to they're mate and/or friend. That isn't what destroys relationships. What destroys relationships is our inability to communicate when the time calls for it. If we can not do this, then a problem will occur.

    In a case like that, a friend can provide guidance, assurance, and support. Everyone should have a friend like this, because there will come a time when ya gonna need one.

    I got a few of 'em!

    :heart:
     
  7. sweet apple*pie

    sweet apple*pie Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Very interesting....let me roll this around in my head....I'll be back through



    :qqb013:
     
  8. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wonder if I'm being misunderstood, so let me expand a little: I was referring to emotional affairs - usually with one other person who is not your signficant other (SO) . not just sharing regular thoughts/feelings with someone other than your spouse, but intimate emotions. A few scenario's:

    1. speaking about your day more often with this other person than your SO
    2. discussing negative/intimate details about your SO, while your SO is unaware

    To me, these are the signs of emotional disconnect, when one spends more time discussing their day to day lives with another, or turns to another with problems/issues in the relationship - while the SO remains unaware.

    When one would rather not spend time with this person in the presence of their SO because they feel uncomfortable/stinted in how they communicate, whether that be in speech or behaviour - or if their mannerisms change towards their SO when this other person is around. If one would rather keep this relationship completely apart and seperate from their main relationship because they feel they need an outlet completely seperate, so much that one would not feel comfortable talking about the same issues with their SO.

    These things constitute an emotional affair and cannot possibly be healthy for your main relationship. If you (or your SO) are spending the emotional energy bonding and building a relationship to the exclusion of each other - surely this is cause for disconnect.

    I understand that various people in our lives play different roles in our devlopment and understanding. Of course one can appreciate an external eye on a particular situation - but the problem is when one does gain a new perspective and no longer shares the journey of getting there with the SO. This is how people grow apart.

    :heart:
     
  9. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    In the Spirit of Sankofa!




    Zulile,

    Although, more explanation or clarity was needed in addition to the initial information you posted, I thought watzinanzme was on point, and showed a good grasp of the thread's intentions.

    Purple also grabbed onto what you were seeking with the original thoughts posted. Notwithstanding, the additional examples that you have laid out, makes the point ever clearer, but makes me wonder why you felt more examples were needed. What say you Zulile?

    In my view, of course watzinaname pinpoints the problem for me, why hold onto the main partner, if you have begun to have emotional affairs? When this occurs, its no wonder your view, and I agree, of such an affair outranks physical infidelity. At the point that an emotional affair enters the main relationship, the main relationship is over. Afterall, it is the very same manner in which the main relationship no doubt started, as an emotional affair.

    That is why I agree with watzinaname, unless the main relationship is over, why would one begin an emotional affair, or, before the main relationship deteriorates, why not exercise emotions inside of the main relationship by talking and communicating. Otherwise, the person guilty of having an emotional affair has done so without the consent of his or her partner, and becomes responsible for the disconnect.

     
  10. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello Clyde :heart:

    Yes, I felt Sister Watz was on point.

    I felt the need to clarify further as both James and Sister Purple seemed to have misunderstood me based on their responses. Not that they have to agree ;) I would like clarification from them based on my more precise definition.

    Brother James tied the idea to monogomy and it's 'evil' inventors, to which I cannot adequately respond as I dont see the connection in context. Perhaps if I explained myself further, he'd return with the likness between monogomy and emotional fidelity and how neither should effect your primary relationship. He speaks of Ma'at, I'd like to know how emotional infidelity ranks there in his relationship successes.


    Sister Purple stated: "What i discuss with my s/o and what i discuss with my friend doesn't necessarily have to affect my relationship with my partner." I must disagree with that as it depends entirely on the nature of the discussion, thus my need for clarification.


    I liked this statement of yours "At the point that an emotional affair enters the main relationship, the main relationship is over. Afterall, it is the very same manner in which the main relationship no doubt started, as an emotional affair." Well said.

    :heart:
     
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