Black People : Domestic Violence

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by Ledda, May 9, 2007.

  1. Ledda

    Ledda Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Mar 29, 2005
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    I really don't know where to start.
    I'm almost 32 years old and I just realized yesterday that there's been something eating away at me for a very long time now. My daddy, whom I have feelings very close to deep seeded hatred, used to beat my mama. When I say "beat" that's exactly what I mean. My mama would have broken bones, stitches, both eyes completely blood shot and swollen shut, dark purple bruises everywhere at least once a month. She wasn't allowed to associate with certain people. He was a good provider, took care of home but he would often come home mad at someone else and take it out on her. Or if he felt guilty about something he would beat her. On weekends he dressed up, ran the streets, chased women. I can remember my mama had a night job. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when she was home scared from some nightmare-I was about 3 or 4 then. I would come to her side of the bed and wake her up. One night I went to her side of the bed and as I got closer I realized that this woman in the bed wasn't my mama. Around this same time, my mama was at my aunt's house one night and happened to just ride to the liquor store with my uncle. My daddy-wait, let me stop calling him that cause out here I don't give him that respect-his name is William. He didn't like that and he beat my mama like she was his child with a belt. She had welps and bruises all over her. A lot of times he would accuse her of things she hadn't done and beat her. He'd always be sorry the next day but my mama would be in so much pain, harldy able to walk. She endured this for about 17 years. She's about 5'2", 135 1lbs to this ex-marine 6'3" 240 lbs. I can remember he burned her with an iron once, broke a broom beating her with it another time and stabbed her in the leg with the end of it, he would kick her over and over again. It wasn't enough that his fist was bigger but he would also hit her with thins like canes, pool sticks, plates, bats. He beat up one of my aunts once, and even beat up a friend of my mama's cause her little boy wanted to play with me-he didn't want me playing with little boys. He grabbed the bopy and started choking him and his mama went to his rescue so he beat her up. He beat up one of my uncles. He was just a bully to everyone. (Actually a few years ago I enjoyed telling him that that same little boy and I are now really good friends today and if he's so bad try choking him now.) He's so no good he even slept with two of my cousins-her sister's daughters and has a child with one of them. But if I have but one thing to thank him for it's that he taught me how to fight. When I was about 12 or 13 I told her that I would never let a man treat me like that. She told me she used to say the same thing to her mama when her daddy used to beat her.

    Ya'll...I done kept my word. I'm married now and my husband doesn't hit women cause he says his dad used to hit his mama, but in the past I always let a brother know up front that I wasn't playing. That's one of the first questions I would ask, "Do you hit women?" and it's the first question I ask the guys who date my daughters. I've even dated guys who beat the woman they had before me (of course I didn't find this out until after we started) but they never went there with me. I had one who did, my daughters' dad, but not only did he know I was there in it with him, he still remembers it. When it was all said and done I was going to jail and he was going to get stitched up. I had to leave that alone. But back to what I started. I've been having dreams of William beating my mama and they've been divorced for over 16 years now. My mama's married to a very nice man and is living the kind of life she deserves. William hates it, knows what he's missing and knows he'll never have it as good as she was. He lives miserably in KS, my mama happily lives in TX. Back to these dreams-in the dreams I'm scared. I can remeber when I was younger hearing the fighting, yelling, rumbling on the floor, my mama screaming. This scared me a lot. When I was about 12 or 13 I started standing up to him for my mama. When I was 15 I told him if he didn't get out of our house I would kill him and he left. Shortly after that my mama divorced him. I have no fear of this man now. We've been in heated arguments, up in each other faces. We don't get along and he knows I can't wait until the day he dies, God forgive me. I told him I would spit in his face while he was on his death bed. But in my dreams I'm scared. I realized this and ironically I saw Oprah yesterday (I ususally don't watch her show) and there was a woman who had been abused, beaten and her husband had his 13 yr. old son video tape it.
    (If I didn't do that correctly just go to the Oprah Show site)

    William is 100 times worse than this man.

    Anyway, I can never understand it. I can never understand why women stay when there are so many resources out here. Some women get away from a man that beats them and gets right back with someone who does the same thing. At this age I love my mama but I'm mad at her for staying so long, for not being strong enough to leave sooner.

    And for these types of can they call themselves a man continually hurting someone who can't fight back?

    I'm angry....I will post more later on.
  2. Ixceptme

    Ixceptme New Member MEMBER

    Apr 29, 2007
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    Good Morning Ledda

    I would like to first say, I respect your ability to cast light on a long time horrible reality that many victims and their family and friends keep in the dark.

    I am a child who also grow up in an abusive household. My mother got out alive, however, many, many women don't. The cemetery is littered with headstones of domestic violence victims. I know at least two high-school classmates who didn't survive and their children our now motherless and fatherless.

    I watched the Oprah episode you mentioned. Although my father didn't directly involve my siblings or I in his abuse toward my mother, as did the abuser on the show. It was incredibly difficult to watch. However, it's very very important to watch, because unvealing dysfunctional behavior give victims power. I never discussed my family situation to anyone, not even my closest friends. Why? I can't even answer that question now. Perhaps, it's out of embarrassment, a sense of loyalty to my father(I no longer have today) or some kind of mechanism to pretend, 'it isn't what it is' in order to minimize emotional damage.

    On May 23, 2007 Oprah will boardcast the interview she had with the children of the woman. She encourages people to watch, especially victims of abuse who tell themselves and others, they stay because of the children.

    My sister stumbled on the condition Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD) our father suffers from, which gave us an understanding to what we were dealing with. As I read the information on NPD unfolded and mapped out my father's behavior from A-Z. I recognized all the patterns he displayed during my childhood and adulthood, from the most minute to the most extreme.

    I feel it's VERY IMPORTANT for woman to read about this mental disorder and become familar with the warning signs, so they won't find themselves caught up in the torturous world of people who suffers from NPD.

    Some or most of these people murder their victims before they allow them to live a life without them. Do a google search on domestic violence murders or survival stories to gain a sense of urgency that something needs to be done.

    With more children growing up in dysfunctional homes there will be more cases of NPD and more chances of getting involved with them. The most valuable attributes they possess, and use, to catch their victims are,

    1. Very charming
    2. Accomplished liars
    3. Master manipulators

    Here is a link for those interested in reading to learn more about these predators that live among us.
    Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : How to Recognize a Narcissist

    Thanks again for sharing your circumstances with us. I hope more members become willing to share their own stories or the stories of people they know, so more light will be shed on abusers and possible victums can see them coming and retreat.

    God bless you, those who are still suffering and those who found courage to get out.