Black People : DOES THE LACK OF BLACK MALE PRESENCE IN BLACK FAMILIES HURT YOUG BLACK FEMALES???

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by Isaiah, Jan 15, 2006.

  1. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have often heard it said that our absence in the family hurts Black boys, but having reared daughters, I have been told by them how my presence was pretty instrumental in their being pretty strong and secure women... Of course, that doesn't shock me, because I just believe tha's the way nature planned it, that each half - man and woman - makes the family WHOLE... A WHOLE family means the presence of both parents...

    The stats say that the lack of a presence of a father in the home, across ethnic lines, is reflected in higher incarceration and drop-out rates among both males and females... I haven't seen drug addiction tied in, but I would guess tha negative stat would fit cozily in there, as well... Without much further longwindedness for me, what are you guys thoughts on this??? I would be particularly interested to hear from the women, as well as, dads who've reared their daughters, or maintained a STRONG presence in their early lives...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  2. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Well, a lack of presence is detrimental. However, even if a father is in the home that's no guarantee a daughter won't get into trouble. At some point a loving father must put restrictions on his daughter, which she might rebel against.

    And to make it clear, I am not saying a father's presence is not important because it is. All I am saying is that there are different things ON TOP OF THIS to consider in the rearing of a female that affects her self-esteem, some things even the most loving dad can't control. This is why I believe society must contribute as well in helping to develop a girl's self-esteem. Dad is 40 percent, mom is 40 pecent and other influences are 20 percent.
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I am strong on all my children, boy & Girl , but i try not to be
    as heavy and allow them room but starting off i instill my rules
    and presence so they know i'm here to help and guide them in
    a path , I know when time come i have to face the boy thing when
    she reach that age so we both as parents are working to guide her
    for when this come she will know and we hope take the right path

    I think lack of a father in any home hurts any child to a point
    girls ofter take to there father and with him not there they feel as if
    they lacking something and soon will look for it in the wrong places

    Really once they reach the age to feel peer pressure without his
    presence or lack of guidance from mom they get lost and try to
    fulfill what they miss a man in their lives .

    It can be harmful and hurt........But to strong can be harmful as well .
     
  4. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I got these horror stats SECOND-HAND, and somewhat outdated, from a site about Fatherlessness and it's effects, but one can go to any number of sites, and find the same stuff, because a lot of it is from the United Nations reports on the problems of children all over the globe...

    [U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]

    90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
    85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
    [Center for Disease Control]

    80% of rapist motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
    [Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p. 403-26]

    71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
    [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]

    70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
    [U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]

    85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
    [Fulton County Georgia Jail Populations and Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992]

    Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do not live with their fathers.
    [US News and World Report, February 27, 1995, p.39]

    There are:

    11,268,000 total custodial mothers
    2,907,000 total custodial fathers
    [Current Populations Reports, US Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991]

    What does this mean? Children from fatherless homes are:

    4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,

    6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),
    24.3 times more likely to run away,
    15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
    6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
    10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
    6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
    15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.
    (The calculation of the relative risks shown in the preceding list is based on 27% of children being in the care of single mothers.)

    and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children who are in the care of single mothers are:

    33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and
    73 times more likely to be killed.


    Maybe we need to define what a strong presence really is among fathers... Personally, I don't see strong presence as not having a real involvement in one's chidren's lives.. Some cats feel that simply sleeping in the same house as their children is a strong presence, or disciplining the children when they're in need of punishment, is strong... WRONG...(smile!)

    One should TALK to children, and have the children TALK back to them for basics... It teaches children to be comfortable expressing themselves, particularly to figures of authority... It teaches them confidence, and gives them a sense of security... That, and a lotta hugs, teaches them that they are LOVED... I see a lot more dads and moms screaming at children, rather than talking to them... I've seen parents criticizing them for not getting a hundred on that test, but I wonder if they bothered to make time to help them with their homework, or attended any Parent-teacher meetings... Strong presence is all-encompassing to me... Not big strong man sitting in his recliner watching the football game, beer in hand, with nary a thought about taking the child out to the library or museum a couple times a year...


    Peace!
    isaiah
     
  5. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Yes, as women mature and become adults often times they become more understanding of what their parents did and in turn follow in their footsteps. And they find a good mate eventually.

    Indeed, there is a lot of pressure on young girls moreso than boys to get into relationships which may cause them to make bad decisions. This applies for all types of relationships a young woman may get herself into.
     
  6. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great post, Rich!

    I think that our lack of a strong presence, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, sends the message to the child that someone they love and respect has rejected them... It is a message I see in the attitudes and behaviours of people, young and old, which has never left them... That they were and remain, somehow, not good enough... That's why I see those hugs of love and support as so very important... Being there, and sleeping in the same building, and being a positive role model is a start, but without that true SHOW and DISPLAY of love and affection...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  7. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm a single mother of 1.
    Her father is in and out of her life constantly.
    After we divorced he came by to see her for a few month and then he dissappeared. God did I have a hard time with her. Imagine coming home from work and school on the bus and then getting her from the sitter and everytime she couldn't have her way she would scream and cry for her father.This went on for months! I would hug her and kiss her and assure her he was coming back. He kept moving and changing jobs and phone numbers.
    I ran into him two times after that.he stayed in her life again for a few months. He got married in april of this yr and just pops over the day before his wedding asking me could she be in his wedding and he hasn't seen her since december of the prior yr when he asked me this.
    She was so excited to be the flower girl.
    To make it so bad he didn't buy her anything to wear for his wedding but he bought everybody else something in his family and friends.
    I bought my baby a dress,put her on my pearl earing and necklace and my sisters did her hair and I did her make-up.I only did it for her.
    Oh God she hasn't seen him since he got married and had another child also!
    I would call and try to keep him current on our daughter but he never seemed intersted enough to call her himself.
    I call and he wont answer the phone.She calls and she says daddy I love you and I miss you.
    She's said she will not ever see him or her new sister ever because her father doesn't care.
    I worry so much about this.
    I try to reasure her that he loves her and he's just going through some things(a lie) but I don't want her to think bad things about him.Too many black mothers do that already.I have never received child support and she is going on ten and I know have applied for it. But he's self employed and he is always moving!
    I know that no man could ever replace her real father.
    I don't want her to resent men or let men abuse and use her because her daddy wasn't around.I teach her values and responsibilty and knowledge of self everyday but i'm not her father,I can only be her mama
     
  8. Ms_MochaB

    Ms_MochaB Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    REAL LIFE SITUATION HERE:

    I HAVE A COUSIN WHO IS NOW 20 YEARS OLD AND THE MOTHER OF HER OWN CHILD. FOR TWENTY YEARS SHE KNEW THE NAME OF HER FATHER BUT HAD NO FACE TO PUT WITH IT. SHE THEN CLAIMED HER BROTHER AND SISTERS DAD AS HER OWN, RECENTLY HE DIED. SHE THEN STARTED HANGING OUT WITH DRUG DEALERS AND ALLOWING THEM TO MOVE INTO HER HOUSE AND LET THEM MAKE HER CHILD CALL THEM DADDDY, EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS WHO HIS FATHER IS. THINGS HAD GOTTEN BAD, SHE EVEN GOT ARRESTED FOR OPERATING A VEHICLE WHILE INTOXICATED, LEAVING THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT, UNDERAGE DRINKING, AND UNDERAGE AND ENTERING A A LOCAL BAR. NEEDLESS TO SAY SHE SPENT A FEW DAYS IN JAIL. WELL THIS WAS LAST YEAR IN ABOUT MARCH. IN AUGUST OF LAST YEAR SHE MET HER FATHER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THEY HAVE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. HER WHOLE DEMEANOR HAS CHANGED BECAUSE SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT HER FATHER WAS LIKE, SHE CLAIMED SHE WAS ONLY CONNECTING TO "GANGSTA" TYPE MEN. BECAUSE THAT WAS HOW SHE ENVISIONED HER FATHER. NOW THAT SHE KNOWS HER FATHER ACTUALLY HAS A JOB AND HE IS AN ENTREPRENUER, RUNNING HIS OWN COMPANY ABOUT TO START A NEW ONE. SHE KNOWS THAT SHE CAN CONNECT TO SOMEONE GREATER THAN SOMEONE WHO WILL BRING HER DOWN. SO MY ANSWER IS YES ... THE LACK OF BLACK MALE PRESENCE IN THE BLACK FAMILY HURT THE YOUNG BLACK FEMALES PERCEPTION OF WHO THEY ARE AND WHO THEY WILL BECOME!
     
  9. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow, what incredible testimonies, sisters Cursed Heart and Ms MochaB!!!(smile!) Somehow I wish these fathers could read them, and understand how important they are to their daughters, as well as, their sons! Man...!

    Sister Cursed Heart, I shed a tear for your daughter - I really do... In 2002, I was leaving my ex, and broke the news to my daughter, then 18, and still living at home with us... She burst into tears, and left me standing there bewildered and confused, and with a heaviness in my heart and soul such as I have never, ever experienced in all my days on this planet...

    In my naivette, I thought that as a young adult she could, and would handle my leaving well... I had told my ex when my baby was 15 that when she turned 18, I would be outta there, because I had had enough of married life... I was only hanging on out of a sense of obligation to my baby, and nothing else... I endured those three years as if I was some solider hunkered down in my foxhole, thinking only of my own survival... That experience still haunts me to this day... There are still days when I relive that experience, and break into uncontrollable sobbing.. Our relationship is great, my daughter and I, because I STILL keep the contact, and attend ANYTHING she invites me to attend(smile!) I know it is important to her, because I am important to her, bless her heart... I would, for the life of me, tha ALL fathers would understand their importance - regardless of what the ladies in their lives think or do... Even when YOU, DAD, are not there, they hunger for your love and attention, and none do this more than FEMALE children... That is my experience...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  10. Dual Karnayn

    Dual Karnayn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm not a father so I don't now how I'd react under different circumstances.
    But I can't see myself ever leaving my wife as long as the children are young.
    And I wouldn't allow her to leave me.

    I don't mean to sound extreme, but sometimes you just have to force things to be until the time has been fullfilled.

    Not only do men have an obligation to protect the home, but they have an obligation to keep it together and keep the family going until the next generations.

    We should know and have a say in who our sons AND daughters are having sexual relations with and marrying and ain't no white man gonna sit up and tell me what my "limits" are concerning my own wife and children.

    It's my God given right.

    I know it's easy now that women are working and making just as much money as men for both to just go thier own separate and selfish ways....but at some point this madness is gonna have to cease.
     
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