Black Relationships : Do you think it's WRONG for a 16 year old girl to date a 24 year old man?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by krazelyricks, Feb 20, 2004.

  1. krazelyricks

    krazelyricks Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    do you think it's wrong for a 16 year old girl to go with a 24 year old man. I once heard that women mature more easier that men. How old is really to old for a 16 to go exploring? I tried to go with this guy that was 24 years old and it went on for about a year. But when he found out how old I was we just decided to be friends. Let me just say, first of all, I did not lie to him about my age, he just never asked and I never told. I guess, it's safe to say I withheld the truth.Do you think it's wrong for a girl to hide her age? Would it be right to pursue the ralationship when I get about 20? Or not at all?

    I wrote a poem explaining the whole situation with him and I and if you want to know the whole thing before you reply.....it's on the forum.......it's call......" Dumped Two Days After Valentines Day."
     
  2. Sapphdia

    Sapphdia Active Member MEMBER

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    I do think that it is not right for a 24 year old man to be going with a 16 year old teenager. I know you may think that I sound old, but at this age, you shouldn't be focusing on love relationships. There is plenty of time for all of that. What grade are you in? What are you taking up in school? What do you want to do after high school? Have you taken your PSATs yet? Have you started researching the colleges that you would like to attend? Are you doing well in school? What kinds of activities are you interested in? Are you involved in organizations in or outside of school? Do you work? This is a very crucial period in your life. All of the things I listed above are some of the things that you should be focused on right now.

    Another thing, honesty is the best policy. You shouldn't lie about anything regardless of the consequences. Take responsibility for your actions. A lot of people think that just because it didn't pass through your lips that you didn't lie. But in actuality you did. You purposefully withheld information that he had a need and every right to know. I could see if this is something that isn't his business and wouldn't affect him, but because you are a minor and he is not, his involvement with you could have gotten him arrested for statutory rape or for corrupting a minor. There are young men and women out there who have served time or are on probabtion for this very reason. Maybe I'm reaching, but it is not like this doesn't happen. Look at the young man in Atlanta in jail for 10 years.

    Bottomline, don't lie and focus your attention on more important things like your future and the rest of that stuff will be around later once you've gotten started on your path.
     
  3. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    The Age Factor

    Greetings Sister Foxi and Sister Sapphdia!

    We know the way things are in society, but I want to explore whether they always are as they should be. Sister Foxi you've asked some good, tough questions. As a mother having had a similar experience, it brought back memories of what my daughter and I went through and how I reacted. To put it mildly, it was ugly.

    First I want to preface my comments with this understanding. There are child protection laws that exist in the U.S. that we must all adhere to or else pay a significant penalty. The law sets the ages when certain things can be legally done. . . driving, drinking alcohol, buying cigarettes, voting, joining the military, watching movies, and having sex, to name a few. But what's really the point to restricting relationships to age limits? What is the history behind that and why was it necessary to adopt a social practice where age mattered in relationships?

    Foxi, the situation you described isn't all that unusual or uncommon in my opinion but for reasons that I thought were perfectly legitimate at the time, I really didn't want my daughter in a relationship with a sigificantly older man. I rushed to judgment even before knowing all the facts. The facts about how my daughter felt weren't important to me at the time because I thought she was just too young to understand and I had to think for her and "protect" her. But, thinking back on it now, protect her from what? Being taken advantage of? Being ostracized by society? What my family and friends would think if they knew? I realize now that my feelings about it were greatly influenced by society's expectations. I was thinking and behaving like one of the sheep, saying and doing what all sheep were expected to do. I'm older now and I believe I'm a little wiser :). I don't think I would handle the situation quite the same way if it was to happen again today.

    Sister Sapphdia, your advice was solid and exactly what I was thinking when I first read the thread last night. But I deliberately decided not to respond right away because I wanted to think about it more. No question about not lying about your age. Lying about your age or not revealing your age can get people in some very serious trouble. But can we look at age more deeply in a slightly different context?

    I understand that 16 year olds are capable of having deep affections and meaningful relationships with older people, however, our present day culture places a stigma on significant age gaps in male/female relationships. Boundaries are set on what is too young and what is too old, seldom taking into account the level of maturity of the people involved. Realize that societies create categories and place people in them, but at the same time knowing very well that not everyone will fit nice and neatly in them, but as long as the "majority" do, then that's what counts.

    True, it would be beneficial if our adolescent youth would focus more attention on their studies and future careers while they're young because that's what our society demands that they do. We often tell them that all that other "stuff" can wait and will be there when they get older. But not everyone is going to fit into that mold and are these the only reasons we tell our children to wait? Wait for what and why?

    I know I'm pushing this discussion to some religious and political boundaries that many people won't be comfortable with but Foxi has asked a good question and I think all areas of it should be explored. Do we assume by telling our youth to wait that tomorrow is promised to them? Is there something better to wait for that they can't have or comprehend at a younger age? Do we think that something is wrong with an older man/woman who is attracted (not lusting for) a person younger than them? And I'm not talking about sexual deviates or child stalkers. But reasonably healthy-minded and responsible individuals. Is there a "magical" age that people reach when it matters and when it doesn't matter?

    I look forward to other's opinions.

    Peace :spinstar:
     
  4. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    One of the students at the High School I work for was/is involved with a man in his early 30s. The relationship started when the girl was a sophmore, roughly 15 years old. It lasted at least until graduation, if not longer (unforunately I have not seen this young lady since last June). I can not speak on how mature this young lady was (although she was enrolled in Special Education classes), nor can I speak about how mature or immature the man was. Since I did not live with them, I can not speak about how much this man loved her, or how well he provided for her. The bottom line is, and to make a long story short. By the last semester of her senior year, she had given birth to 1 child, and was expecting her second. Unfortunately this young lady never made it to graduation, and she had to drop out of school. This was a disguisting situation for me to watch. However, watching was all I could do, because the mother of this young lady had no problem with it. I don't know how this situation will end. I hope that the man will support his children, and this girl always. However, I wouldn't be suprised if he doesn't. Even if he does, this young lady has been robbed of her childhood. A mother of two children before she even finished high school, living with a man before she even got the opportunity to live by herself. Unfortunately the regrets of a lost childhood do not manifest themselves until adulthood. To me this case highlights the dangers involved when an adult becomes involved with a teenager.

    It is a common belief that women mature fasted than boys, and this belief is often used as justification to date older men. From what I can see Foxy, you seem like a very nice, and very mature young lady. I hope you don't get offended by what I am about to say. But no matter how mature a 16 year old girl is, she can't be on the same level as 24 year old man. If that were true, then this guy would have to be extremely "immature". A 24 year old man (if he is about anything) would be thinking about getting college degrees. He'd be looking for a career (possibly looking into changing locations). He'd be trying to buy property. He'd be looking for a wife, and a family. A 16 year old girl is ready for almost none of these things (and she could not satisfy most of these goals without giving up her own). These are the problems with this type of a relationship. Relationships work best when two people are in equal standing (both having similar goals, desires, and experiences). It is also necessary to be in equal standing on a spiritual and physcological level. That being said, It is hard for a person in their 20s,30s, or 40s to be on equal standing with a teenager. There is too much that a teenager still has to learn about life, love, and the world to be in accord with an adult. There is too much that a teenager "NEEDS" to learn about life and themselves, before they are truly ready for the sacrifices that have to be made in a relationship.
     
  5. phenomenalwoman

    phenomenalwoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well foxi, you are kind of playing with fire.You didnt let the brotha know that you are 16. Ok thats done and over with, you can't change the past. But please inform men of your age, although I definitely agree that one should ask those kind of questions before dating someone, but sista men can go to jail for dating you. I hope you agree that that is not cool. You might want to stick to dating males closer to your own age, until you turn 18. They may seem too immature, but trust me, you're not looking for someone who is marriage material right now. You have a lot of living ahead of you, enjoy it.
     
  6. krazelyricks

    krazelyricks Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First of all, let me start by stating what made this relationship work with the both of us. I guess you could say that we started as friends as most people do. We laughed, talked, and it obviously grew into something much more. I went into this thing with the thought that I would tell him as soon as feelings like these came up but I couldn't. Before long, I was determined that I WOULDN'T.

    As for the maturity and immaturity thing that most of you started with, I find both of us quite MATURE. Though, I don't think I need to prove anything to you at all I will tell you a few things about him and I. I am a high school student as most of you know, I am ranked number 6 out of the 400 students in my graduating class, and I made a 159 on my PSAT which is equilvalent to a 1590 on the SAT. As for Michael, he's a senior in college. He's studying to be a pharmacist. He's grades are also above average. He speaks three different languages fluently( French, American, and Spanish). Right now, you're probably saying how does she know this much about him and he knows nothing about her? Well, its because I asked. It's not my fault he never asked about me. He thought I was eighteen because I was telling him about wanting to take the SAT's. He helped me by bringing me books and other materials on the test. He even drilled me to make sure I made enough to be with him at his college. He was so sincere with his feelings that I hardly found enough courage to tell him the truth when he asked. It was so painfully for him that he stood there and cried. I just felt like I had used his heart and played with it. I found it hard to believe that I could do this to him but I DID.

    At any rate, we're still friends and that's all that matters. RIGHT?? NO, why am I trying to fool myself?? I know that after a situation as serious as this we won't be able to mend like we once were. No matter how many times I tell myself this......deep inside I know the dark reality of it holds something much more painful........much more painful. I've never given my heart to ANY person fully and probably NEVER will because of the situations I've been through. I might be ALL into you this one day and NOT the next day. This goes for relatives and friends alike. But when I was around him I was ALWAYS interested. It's hard to say I may have given him something more percious........ a part of my heart. I wouldn't call it love because where I'm from love don't live there anymore. But I will say I liked him VERY much.

    Well, if you read this, tell me is it even good to continue a relationship with him? Is it good to continue on as friends? I have sit and thought about night after night and I am rather confused. I know when I look at him I'm happier than ever that he's here. But when he looks at me he never has that feeling in his eyes anymore, or at least I DON'T see it anymore. I remember posting a thread just three weeks ago saying " How do you know you're in love?" In there we discussed whether or not love could disappear. At first, I thought it could not. But now I think anything can disappear.....even LOVE....... for me and Michael.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    sistah i understand all of what you are saying here and how it must have been for the both of you ...But let me say this at 16 really is a bit young for a 24 year old he can get in deep trouble
    what took place may have been for the best even your grades is
    up above still keep your head in the books and on school
    i won't say if it was wrong because it happen to the best of us
    yes a young lady can become a woman faster then a man can
    now you should have told him long ago you was 16 then you both
    would have been best of friendz without all the emotional feeling flowing around you two wouldn't have become so deep and no one heart would be in pain for it ....
    Their are many relationships with age different much more then this one y'all like 8 years apart which not bad but what makes it
    bad is that you are only 16 and this can bring trouble upon him
    now if you was 24 and he was 32 it would be just fine remember
    age make a different when it's under age teens but once into adult hood there's nothing can come of it most younger women do seen to have a liking for older men some have there own goal
    set for the age spread i really feel you and say let it come to you
    it will in time don't rush love and affection
    now think what if he would have asked you to stay all night !
    what would you have done , surely a lie would have to come in play making up stuff this lead to another one and so on , why put self in those shoes yes in a small way this should not have taken off into a relationship but it did and it happens now the only
    thing isfor you to learn from this and be a bit more wiser on choices made when it come to this soon you will reach the age
    of 18 then your choices is yours but right now you are under mother's care
    surely i wouldn't want my daughter to date a man older in his 20's and she in her teens
    you are smart and very wise alter it on choices of love as well
    Good Luck on the age bounce and heart of feelings
     
  8. Sapphdia

    Sapphdia Active Member MEMBER

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    Instead of trusting your intuition, (God speaking to you), you made a choice based out of fear. You went against what God told you to do and chose NOT to tell the brother about your age. You were probably afraid that he would leave you alone or his feelings toward you would change as a result of telling the truth. You didn't give him the option to make the best choice. He didn't have all the information to make the best choice possible for him. Had he had the information upfront, he could have approached his relationship with you differently and things would be different then they are now.

    By saying that the reason you didn't tell is because he didn't ask, is pushing YOUR responsibility on him. Now regardless of whether he asked or not, YOU had the ultimate responsibility to tell him the truth. You are right, though. He SHOULD have asked, but that doesn't release you from your responsibility to tell him. You purposefully let him go on assuming that you were 18. Now you're upset and hurt because YOU hurt him and YOU hurt yourself.

    Dear, dear Foxi, have faith that this situation WILL mend over time. Recently I've learned that whatever your thoughts, energy will follow. If you think your relationship with him will never heal, then you will continue to conduct yourself in a manner that reflects your thoughts and it won't.

    More importantly, Foxi, this situation happened, because there is a lesson that God wants you to learn. You are deserving of love, of peace, and of an abundance of joy. You have to be open for it. If you keep yourself closed off to the possibilities, then how can God bless you with these things? Whatever happened to you, you can't let those experiences anchor you and keep you from the place that you are destined to be. Don't let those experiences keep you from experiencing the goodness that only God can give you. You're blocking your blessings. Even though you said love doesn't live there anymore, I think God wants you to know that love does live there and even though you are fighting it, you CAN love and you are worthy of experiencing love with someone else. You should ask God to show you what lessons you needed to learn from those experiences. Ask God for guidance in forgiving and releasing those experiences from your life. Don't make people pay for what others have done to you in the past. Unpack those bags and leave the suitcases behind.


    I hope you don't mind, but I've PMed you with the rest of this post because it was getting long and the rest I think is more private. I hope that I have helped.

    :heart:

    Sapph
     
  9. gempis

    gempis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You know, Foxi, I'm not sure that it's a good idea to continue to be friends with Michael, at least right now. It sounds to me like you're still in love with him and have strong feelings for him - maybe stronger than what he has for you at this time. It's going to be really hard to be around him and talk to him like a friend when you still have those feelings.

    It's hard to remain friends with an ex when the breakup hasn't been mutual and/or somewhat peaceful. For example, my longtime ex was verbally abusive towards me; we cannot be friends. We can barely say hi to each other in public. Someone I was seeing last year broke it off with me in a respectful manner because she couldn't be committed at this point in her life. We continue to talk on occasion and have no problem when we see each other in public. Do you see what I mean?

    If I were you, sweetie, I'd try to detach myself from him in the manner they teach in the books about codependency and "take care of your own business." Focus on you, and don't beat yourself up for any of this. What's done is done and you will learn from it either way.

    Peace, sister.
     
  10. SayWord

    SayWord Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm 23 years old. Still pretty young. Would I date a 16 year old. Nope! There are a lot of things going on in my life that a 16 year old can't help me with nor understand. I'm not saying that you are immature, but this guy couldn't have been too mature. He's messing with a 16 year old. I'm 23 and I can't date anyone younger than 20. I'm not going to say that you shouldn't be dating. But I don't think you should be dating someone way out of your age range.

    The second thing is you left out the truth which is a lie. You put him in a really dangerous position. That's not being mature. In relationships you need to be upfront with your partner.

    One more thing, where were your parents in all of this. The women I've dated, I eventually met their parents. And it didn't take a year.

    If you want to date, I say go for it. There's nothing wrong with it. But you need to be mindful of who you date. And you also need to be open and honest. If you don't think the men in your age range are mature enough for you to date then maybe you shouldn't be dating right now. But dating a 24 year old shouldn't be what you're doing. He's a grown man and if he and you are on the same level, then there's a prolem with him.

    Sorry if I came off like I'm lecturing or anything like that.
     
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