Black Relationships : ***Do You Ask A Man What He Likes In A Woman???***

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by ShemsiEnTehuti, Dec 12, 2006.

  1. ShemsiEnTehuti

    ShemsiEnTehuti Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    After you have already engaged a brother's attention, conversation, and even gone out with him a few times, would you ask him what kind of woman is ideal? Isn't that a recipe for hurt feelings or at least insecurity in a developing relationship?

    I have been seeing this sister who is very refined/reserved, a few years older, very pretty, elegant, intelligent, cultured, open-minded, not religious, amongst other things. We had just finished having a very nice evening at this jazz lounge over a drink which involved some intimate discussion. As we are leaving she asks, "So what do you like in women?...what is ideal to you?" Apprehensive about the subject, I kind of avoided the question. However, she insisted for me to tell all, so I said this...


    "I like women who are intelligent, vocal, cultured, mentally-strong, not supericial, not materialistic...a couple of things that may be a bit sensitive is that I like women who are fit or in shape, especially with athletic bodies, and with natural hair."

    Everything was good until I talked about a woman being in shape and having natural hair because she possessed neither traits. She isn't overweight, but she is on the thick side and not in very good shape. She has a weaved braided style, and I am pretty sure her hair has relaxer in it. In a way, I thought that it was understood that these were not all essential traits. She had just finished telling me about what she liked, which did not encompass me in many aspects, but I didn't get offended in any way. Anyhow, what was left of the evening walking her to her car was very uncomfortable with moments of deafening silence. I felt really bad because I am starting to really like her.

    I am not one who likes to sugar-coat my words...Should I have known better than to speak exactly what was on my mind, or should she not have asked such a question since it was obvious that I was already very much interested in her?
     
  2. robboy2003

    robboy2003 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You're not wrong in stating your preferences young brother! It wouldn't be half the problems if young people did more of it!

    Bless you!

    Love her constantly,consistently,and with concern!
     
  3. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No you weren't.
    I don't mind telling brothers who ride the bus that I like men with cars.:pool:
    Or that I prefer tall men.:spin:
     
  4. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I asked a man I was dating this same question and he went into detail about the type of woman that he preferred. I was not that type of woman, so I figured that he was probably making compromises to be with me—kind of settling for me. But I also thought in the back of my mind that IF, at any point, he met the type of woman he preferred, he would dump me really fast. I didn’t feel secure in the relationship after that and felt that since I wasn’t who he really wanted, I should go out with other men. I didn’t tell him, but I began to put emotional distance between myself and him. After all, I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t prefer me. I went out with a couple of other men, but this guy—the one who didn’t prefer me—kept asking me out. I wondered why was he wasn’t out there trying to find who he preferred.

    This went on for a while. One day out of curiosity, I brought up the subject again and he told me that before he met me, he had a very narrow idea of who he wanted, but since he had met me, his ideas about his “preferred” woman had broadened. This was logical, but I was uncomfortable about his change of mind and questioned him about it because I didn’t want him to try to change his preferences to include me and then later on try to change me to fit his preferences.

    My personal opinion, is that sometimes, when dealing with matters of the heart, TOTAL honesty is not the best policy because once you say something, you can never completely erase it from the person’s mind.
     
  5. ShemsiEnTehuti

    ShemsiEnTehuti Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Riada...that is great advice.
     
  6. CREOLEQUEEN

    CREOLEQUEEN Active Member MEMBER

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    For what it's worth, I believe if you aren't willing to hear an honest answer, don't ask the question in the first place.

    I dated a brotha who I thought was fairly intelligent but his true colors came out a months later down the line. It turned out that I was the first sista this guy had ever dated. He ended up dropping me because his "type" was Spanish women. At first I was pissed because he didn't make that clear to me from the start (He asked me out, I didn't pursue him). Then I was upset because I thought there was something I was lacking in which he found somewhere else. Then I got wise and relized HE was the one lacking functional brain matter. No love lost, just a lesson learned -

    You can feel a REAL BROTHA right down to your soul, if he don't feel real, let his:censored: go!
     
  7. Bluewater

    Bluewater Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi ShemsiEnTehuti
    I never asked a brother what he likes in a woman
    And I'm sorry if your answers dampen the relationship
    It made be that she was not sure what you see in her
    Perhaps she likes you to a point that she really wants to know
    1. What does this brother see in me?
    2. Do he really like me?
    Sometimes question are asked in away that confuses just
    what it is you really wants to say, or know.
    I would image that you are something special in her eyes
    That is why she made had ask.
     
  8. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Brotha Shem,

    A lot of sistas who process their hair take offense when brothas express a preference for natural hair.

    That doesn't mean you shouldn't tell the truth. If you really like her then further communication about how you feel about her might resolve the tension.. I remember when I was 21 I had the fortune of dating a brotha who cared enough to sit me down and explain to me why I should never ask a man "When will I see you again?" It was such a natural question. I thuoght I was showing interest. It never dawned on me that men felt pressure. But once he explained it from a male view I was able to understand.

    So maybe all your friend needs is someone who cares enough to sit her down and exlain things to her. No matter how close you get or how long you stay together you will have problems. Learning to work through them is part of the wonder and beauty of a relationship. But again if open communication cannot resolve this problem then that's a preview of other problems you wil have down the road.

    It's not just about her ability to communicate. If you are initially aprehensive and uncomfortable, evading her questions then this will set the stage for how she reacts to you.

    This has been a public service message brought to you by Da River
     
  9. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The only problem with men is they consistently try to change that women.
    Be honest but also let them know they are beautiful just the way they are.
    You can't mold someone into the images you have in your head.That's merely your perception of beauty not hers.If she is not what you usually desire ,what peaked your interest to begin with?
    It's not fair to the other person, especially if you need to make some changes as well.
    I do find that men stay the same no matter what a women dislikes about them.
    Interesting but so very true.:bball:
     
  10. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey sista heart,

    I think it would be mmore accurate to say the problem with humans is they consistantly try to change their mate. When everybody has the same complaint then it is a human thing not a man thing or a woman thing. When we understand it that way we can begin to resolve the problem by looking inward because of course we can't do anything about what's wrong with the other person.
     
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