Black Poetry : Distrust, Love and Hate

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Randee, Sep 4, 2003.

  1. Randee

    Randee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    "If it has to be a secret don't do it"
    And we were a secret, to everyone
    I tried to keep you a secret from my own heart
    I can't even remember when it start
    For years it was a mental
    see you around, exchange words and smiles
    you knew you would have me
    but, you thought it was just one time
    we took the friendship credit to another plane
    and respecting myself and our relationship made us refrain
    then one night, inhibition fell, it was late and hot
    there was no way that I was going to stop
    we ended up f****** for hours
    you were so gentle at first
    finally getting that tight wet p****
    knowing I was scared
    then as night became dawn you couldn't wait
    faster and longer our hips began to gyrate
    driving around, humming alone, later that day
    taking backroads thinking about making a new way
    I decided I could do this, its comfortable
    and quiet, no one to know, together agreeable
    secret, made it at the time forbidden
    secret has kept my true feelings hidden
    buried them beneath my thought of friends
    who could satisfy eachother (over and over again)
    for months made myself and him believe
    that at any point wouldn't matter if he should leave
    that we could always go back to friends first
    but in the last two months i've gotten so hurt
    my heart and soul came together one night
    while we were making love, his body clothing mine
    touching me tenderly, gently, his hands climb
    knowing how where and why I needed his touch
    never knew I craved being made a woman so much
    and from that moment when my head exploded off my body
    my heart was let into this secret world of ours
    nothing but confusion settles in the after hours
    and then add to the mix our own separate troubles
    no matter how you use arithmatic confusion only doubles
    finally honesty set in and I knew I wasn't alone
    but what it was exactly is still unknow
    on the table i threw questions you didn't want to hear
    in truthfulness I found I didn't want the answer I fear
    wanted you to say how you wanted to be with me
    how I made you happy, how we could be a family
    how this was all you ever wanted and were missing
    instead, heard how you care about both of us
    and you couldn't leave her, I just shut up
    no more would I ask him to stay the night
    i refuse to be the other woman and put up a fight
    we were honest when we got into this
    i can't change the rules now or it will be him i miss
    and then all these horrible things started to dematerialize
    shootings, killings, indictments, and I began to agonize
    had I been making home and love to you
    never would have had to have gone through
    one more month and the nausea fell in
    fights began and mood swings, obviously blatant
    the doctors words confirmed it, "You're pregnant."
    Told him and he turned on me, ran away and became free
    I questioned the honesty in his past words
    I hurt from the sense of bitterness i got from him
    and when he would call during the interim
    of her and her and whatever else he does
    i shouldn't wonder since I knew how he was
    but it hurts all one in the same
    since my heart found out about our secret game.
    just 14 days ago on the phone
    while sitting crying all alone
    he said he could picture marrying me
    like Jerry Maguire it was hypothetical, easy to see
    things started to work themselves out
    then I got mugged and the stress of everything going on
    I miscarried and according to him I am beign withdrawn
    Angry for not holding me, being there for me
    and instead running around taking care of everyone else
    the thing I love most about him bit me myself
    strong and independent I turned scared and alone
    he didn't think I needed him for his sins he wanted to atone
    tried not to accept but the mental started again
    forever in this game and life we have been friends
    ride or die, together we'd fry, over and over
    the things we've been through have made us
    distrust, love and hate.
     
  2. true love

    true love Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I feel like you just opened up your heart and soul on this one. And I wonder why you would leave yourself so vulnerable like that, but you really don't have a choice do you? Through the pen is the only real way to let it go huh? I feel your pain so much through this and my heart is so hurt after reading this. You see this situation on tv, and you read it in books. But to actually know someone's heart was broken like this, makes it all to real and very painful. I know this is a long reply, but this just did something to me. I'm so so so sorry for you pain sista' girl. Please stay strong. If writing is what makes you feel better, don't let anyone tell you to stop. Until you are healed. You are in my prayers and thoughts and I wish you peace. 'Cause peace is what you need the most right now. Lot's of love
     
  3. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i feel your pain
    you are in my prayers
    lift your head and be strong
    you will be healed
     
  4. Randee

    Randee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    True -

    I have opened here more than anywhere else. never have I written like this. I guess I needed to find the family support I have here. My heart is just so full of hurt that I didn't feel like i was being vulnerable to him. He is one person I can trust. While I may like what he does at least there is no bull****, I know how he is and likely he will neva change. BUt, I know he loves me and would ride or die for me. I am just tired of being the one who always is dying.
     
  5. Randee

    Randee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    mxblkangel - healing through words ringing true
     
  6. true love

    true love Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I feel ya' girl. Keep your head up.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    i truely feel the emotional pain
    and the comfort is be true to self and the rest will follow
    u open up and release that was a plus
    now the healing begin
     
  8. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Girl, I feel what you feel.....know exactly what your going through
    details may not be the same but the same complexities....but
    things do work out........sometimes they end up there...changed
    sometimes they don't but maybe at peace with you and you at
    peace
    with him...........either way.........closure will come,
    although the love never seems to go away.......they always seem
    to hold that place........aching every time you hear his name

    I pray for your strength..........because "I know" it's tough, I've
    been there...and sometimes the very thought of him sends me
    back there..............keep your head up, you'll make it through!
     
  9. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yeah if I know anything...pain is a B**** but unfortunately i was stuck on stupid, passed out on dumb...but you my sista...you gon be aiight...I know it, I pray for it...I'd give it to you if I could :)
     
  10. Randee

    Randee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Everytime I read this I can't believe this is how he and I turned out. Thanks for the support everyone. It is amazing how much love you can feel here. I really need it right now.
     
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