Poetry Critiques : Deeper into M.E.

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by truetothecause, Jun 7, 2007.

  1. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The deeper I go into me
    I find an ugly site to see
    A life filled with misery
    in this quest for Love and Unity

    As I continue on this journey into really knowing me
    I am confronted with a disgusting reality
    One which others seem to see
    A whole host of negativity
    its not wonder yu all run away from me

    I look into me and I hate what i see
    A life full of inconsistencies
    this sick **** introduced by yt
    s
    So its no wonder you abandon me
    In my desire, my passion for our collective Liberty
    If I'm living a life riddled with hyposcrisy

    And it leaves me in a total state of disharmony
    all out of sorts
    No peace in our dis-unity

    Searching in me I see
    all my foolish insanity
    believing I was really free
    to not hde behind a mask of secrecy
    one which surely would provide
    some safety and security
    while simutaneoulsy preventing
    any true intimacy
    amongst WE
    Silly me..thinking there could be, would be
    some Reciprocity
    I understand now why you all run away from me

    Yet underneath this ****ty enmity
    I also see a Gem- A True Beauty
    It is a Diamond, one of the Highest Quality
    You see it's been tried in the fire
    of Truth and Reality
    Never having lost sight of the Atrocities
    Witness to the factual documentations of such Monstrousities
    committed against the Ancesotors of WE
    this current living legacy
    manifesting itself in me

    So I will continue to Speak with Authority
    Stepping up to Share the Unspoken Stories
    those which has been deeply Buried
    and full of untold Glory
    Rising from the wastelands of ????
    Leading US back to the road of Prosperity


    Having a hard time with the ending here..open to suggestions and/or additions
     
  2. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First of all, I could really feel the angst in your words. To have such a passion for uniting our people, only to feel as though you're met with distain. You understand why we distrust each other, but what to do about it? Whew.
    As far as the ending...not sure what to replace the question marks with. My suggestion, what if you use another word instead of wastelands? Interested in reading what others suggest. Much strength and intensity here poetess.
     
  3. Goddess Auset333

    Goddess Auset333 Banned MEMBER

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    :star: :star: :star: Beloved Qg TTTC:star: :star: :star:

    :kiss1: :kiss1: :kiss1:
     
  4. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am so amazed at your level of sensitivity and ability to see right thru me :kiss1:
    your comments are always on point and always filled with a Love which is indescribable...makes me think of the therapist who can see me
    you give me such a great sense that you "know" me and it feels so good to be recognized, respected for who you are and what you are trying to communicate
    I am also always amazed when it seems ppl see me through my words cause i feel as if i'm not that great at communicating my thoughts and feelings in writings....
    thank you for challenging me to see and embrace another part of me:kiss1:
     
  5. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    :bowdown::bowdown::bowdown:

    :blowkiss: HILY right back :blowkiss:
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    deep feelings here and out the pit of your soul wit emotions
    i see nothing worng with this piece for the ending i too can see
    you making a change with one word wastelands

    replace it with words such as

    Rising from the broken dreams

    Rising from the poverty

    Rising from the inner struggle

    something like that or maybe something that fits for you other then wastelands

    awesome well felt piece too got me feeling all of this from da deeper side of M.E

     
  7. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Awesome!!! I got it...

    Rising from the wastelands of poverty
    Moving back on track towards Our Prosperity
    Headed straight back to M.E.
    cause
    Mama Earth's
    the
    place
    to
    B.E. (BlacKalicious Energy)
    able to S.E.E (Spiritually Eradicating Evil)
    on my way to
    T.H.E.E. (True Healing Elevating Energy)
    the connection of
    W.E. (?????)
     
  8. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    L.O.V.E.

    Now that's how the L.O.V.E. work??
    L ifting
    O ur
    V aluable
    E nergy

    Focusing on the Positive..
    thank you all again :bowdown:
     
  9. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    first revision

    The deeper I go into me
    I find an ugly site to see
    A life filled with misery
    in this quest for Love and Unity

    As I continue on this journey into really knowing me
    I am confronted with a disgusting reality
    One which others seem to see
    A whole host of negativity
    its no wonder you all run away from me

    I look into me and I hate what i see
    A life full of inconsistencies
    this sick **** introduced by yt
    So its no wonder you abandon me
    In my desire, my passion for our collective Liberty
    If I'm living a life riddled with hypocrisy

    And it leaves me in a total state of disharmony
    all out of sorts
    No peace in our dis-unity

    Searching in me I see
    all my foolish insanity
    believing I was really free
    to not hide behind a mask of secrecy
    one which surely would provide
    some safety and security
    while simutaneoulsy preventing
    any true intimacy
    amongst WE
    Silly me..thinking there could be, would be
    some Reciprocity
    I understand now why you all run away from me

    Yet underneath this ****ty enmity
    I also see a Gem- A True Beauty
    I AM a Diamond, one of the Highest Quality
    You see I've been tried in the fire
    of Truth and Reality
    Never having lost sight of the Atrocities
    Witness to the factual documentations of such Monstrousities
    committed against the Ancestors of WE
    this current living legacy
    manifesting itself in me

    So I will continue to Stand and Speak with Authority
    Stepping up to Share the Unspoken Stories
    those which have been deeply Buried
    yet are full of untold Glory
    of how we will
    Rise from the wastelands of poverty
    Poverty of Spirit
    Poverty of Culture
    Poverty of appropriate Tools and Resources
    for the RE~Building the Re~ Train~ ning
    Moving back on track towards Our Prosperity
    Headed straight back to M.E.
    cause
    Mama Earth's
    the
    place
    to
    B.E. that BlacKalicious Energy
    able to S.E.E how to Spiritually Eradicate Evil
    on our way to
    T.H.E.E. where I find True Healing Elevating Energy
    in the RE~connection of
    W.E. the Wonderously Enlightened
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Now don't change a thing just get it copyright and published
    I love this piece too by the way ......continue to speak to my mind
     
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