Poetry Critiques : Decipher my Dreams I

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Prizefighter16, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ok...I put this poem on Destee already, but this time, i broke it into three different poems, because it was madd long. So I at least did that. I'm letting it out to be critiqued..it was a flow...and some things in the poem, I have my own analogy, example...trees w/ jet black branches, etc. I'll be happy to explain if asked.

    Decipher My Dreams

    Can someone decipher my dreams for me?
    What are these dreams supposed to mean?

    I’m dreamin of blackwhiteblackwhite roses
    Hoverin above me as my heart composes
    A resting place for when my mind doses
    To remember God’s grace in all my proses

    I’m dreaming of ebony flavored summer days
    Filled with ebony marching people with their hearts ablaze

    Dreamin of a nice cool drink from the freedom fountain
    After the treacherous climb up freedom mountain

    I’m dreamin of cool hot warm sweet proclamations
    Of love while bent on slow soft
    Conversations
    With every person I meet
    And every word they say
    Drippin into me
    Fillin the questions inside of me
    Like a beautiful unified symphony

    Could you decipher this please?

    I sit and dream here of jet black trees and checkered flowers
    I can ponder their existence for hours and hours

    I’m dreamin of a place where no laws had to be emancipated
    Everything by the black man was appreciated

    I’m dreamin of a Pan africanistic soulful dance
    I watch the world together as they do the freedom prance
    With a nightly romance
    Taking peace by the hand
    No color is ever glanced
    No hate there by chance

    I dream of a place were the existence of today is like a breath of fresh air
    Has the fresh dip of cool cream coffee ice feeling here
    Nobody judgin’ nobody anywhere
    I whip myself through time until I'm barely there

    Barely there to wake up and remember the crime
    Barely there to know injustices done to my kind
    The hate that springs like milk mixed with bigot limes
    Makin limeade that took my people’s blood
    Traded it for dimes*

    Do you know what this means?
    Can you decipher my dreams?


    Part I
    prizefighter16​
     
  2. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think this is a good poem, but it seems to me to be a spoken word poem. I think spoken word poetry looses it's power when written. It is hard to capture the visual vocal imagery of this poem, in a word. You do a great job at it, but it will not compare to a slam version of it.

    Good Poem Prize!
     
  3. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    you are actually right manasiac...I wrote it as a spoken word poem. I think it would have a greater effect if i spoke it. Ironically, i have never actually done it. I need the drum beat in the background...man i have it all picked out. But thanks for readin in Manasiac, much appreciated.
     
  4. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Prize take a look at Brother Hook Up's Poem and you will see another example of what I mean.
     
  5. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    whas up prize?...nice to see you over here doing that thang...i felt this piece of a piece...let me give you what i thought you were talking bout...

    to me...this is a take on the i have a dream speach by mlk...continuously you preach black and white togetherness throughout this piece of a piece...the rhymes flowed on point and the rhythm was excellent when spoken outloud...i really have no pointers for this piece of yours....but i was wondering about these couple of lines...hopefully you can give me some clarification on it....

    The hate that springs like milk mixed with bigot limes
    Makin limeade that took my people’s blood

    thanks for sharing sis...and i hope to see you over here more often....

    one love
    khasm
     
  6. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yeah, I'll be happy to explain these lines...thanks for taking the time to evaluate the piece.

    "The hate that springs like milk mixed with bigot limes
    Makin limeade that took my people’s blood
    Traded it for dimes*"

    The first line, The hate that springs like milk mixed with bigot limes, basically meant that those two don't mix together. Hate and Bigotry. Milk is a base, while lime is acidic. So when they mix together, they break apart. I learned this when I acidentally put lemon in my tea with milk. So i was basically saying hate and bigotry shouldnt mix...they break apart whatever they touch.

    The next line... Makin limeade that took my people’s blood,Traded it for dimes*" It goes back to the Hate and bigotry. Hate and bigotry has taken my peoples dignity, life, respect, etc...That's what that meant. Traded it for dimes can be viewed many ways. I got the idea to use the word dime, because I wrote this while reading the selected poems by Langston Hughes. I had noticed that in some of his poems, he referred back to dime to prove his point. Now for me it meant power. They took my people's dignity respect, etc..and they used it to gain power. Also, the fact that it's a dime also represented, for me, that the power they gained is useless, not important, kind of like how the dime is when you're purchasing things. So that, Khasm, is my lengthy explanation. If you haven't fallen asleep by now, i'll thank you again for evaluating the poem.

    Peace out
     
  7. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    cool...looking at that again...it does make sense like that...very clever :wink:...was i right about the central theme of this piece of a piece?

    one love
    khasm
     
  8. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    you were right on point with the overall interpretation. I appreciate you giving your opinion. I am influenced by Martin Luther King's words a lot...so my thoughts, and my opinions will bounce off of what he was reaching for. My poems can sometimes reflect that.
     
  9. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    the rhythm was excellent and good poem i dont think it need changing or anything. I agree with Khasm on on the main point you refelected thoughtout the poem this was written very well ^5

    Peace
    Angel
     
  10. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks guys for helpin me out. I don't want to put the rest up here, because it would be the same feedback, since it was all derived from one poem. So thanks for helpin me out. Imma put it in spoken word.
     
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