Black Relationships : Dealing With Loss and Regret

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by NyneElementz, Dec 25, 2014.

  1. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Recently, my son and I lost his mother over last weekend. I brought my son down to Atlanta, as I do every year, so that he can spend the Christmas Holiday with his mother. His mother and I had talked over the last two years, and before the trip, I had got to thinking about our talks and decided to ask her to (1) discuss our past, (2) see if we could forgive each other for past mistakes, and (3) give one more try to a relationship seeing that we both had feelings of regret for losing one another. Unfortunately, that never happened. My son never got to see his mom this year and I never got to have that talk with his mom. Our families do not yet know what happened to her or how she passed, except that there was no foul play. But I regret not acting sooner on my desire to try again with her. That's beside being shocked, hurt, and beside myself with grief.

    Here's my question(s) for you:

    (1) Is there anyone from your past that you loved so much that you wish the relationship didn't have to end?

    (2) Would you reconcile with that person if it were possible?

    (3) If this person were to lose their life right now, how would you feel about it? What would you regret?
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    First allow me to say I am very sorry for your lost
    to answer you!
    1.......yes
    2.......yes mainly when one feel the time is right
    3.......It would be heart broken moment, and the regret would be as state
    that I didn't get to talk about it fix it or seek change for the betterment
    it would be something I carry with me in my heart asking myself why I
    wait so long many question will vamp my mind.
     
  3. KPITRL

    KPITRL Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    (1) Yes, and believe it or not, I still dream every now and then that it didn't end, or some how she came back into my life as if nothing ever happened. But one time a couple of years ago, I had a shocking dream that she suddenly came back into my life, got up off the couch and attacked me in fast motion while yelling at me, like a horror flick...all along she was topless. I seldom have dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night as I sometimes did as a kid, but this one did. That stopped a lot of my dreams I had off and on over the years about still being together with her. It was like a sign telling me to let go. It was very unlike her, and strange because we didn't have some final big fight that ended the relationship, and she wasn't violent at all, not even verbally. The few times I bumped into her after we stopped seeing one another, we hugged and asked how each others family members were doing, which made the dream even more shocking. Now I'm not saying I used to dream about her every other night, but since that dream, I have them less frequently. However out of nowhere, I did dream we were back together a few nights ago. It wasn't no real vivid dream, but we were a couple in it. In these off and on dreams over the years, I'm not saying it's like some romantic feeling necessarily, however it does feel a little disappointing when I wake up sometimes.

    This may sound corny, but breaking up with her felt like that ending version of "The Wizard of Oz", where Dorothy was saying goodbye and about to go back home, and the Tin man was crying for the first time, or was it the Lion? But this time all four of them had a tear in their eyes, and we were all four of the characters. And there was absolutely nothing I could do, or she could do, to change this part of the movie.

    (2) Only if she never had anybody else since we went our own ways, which was 1996, and that would be very unlikely. To answer this question, maybe in another life. I seldom say this about an ex, but I really hope she found the right man, because it seems like we were too good for each other.

    (3) It would tear me in half, because I was the one who didn't reach back out when she did, and she did way more for me than I did for her. I really don't like thinking about anything bad happening, but I feel regret anyway for letting her walk out of my life thinking she could be easily replaced.

    By the way, I'm sorry for the lost of the mother of your child. At first this response was going to be about my daughters mother, who has stage 3 cancer. Although we don't talk unless something tragic happens, like death in the family, I didn't like my last conversation I had with her at all when I was trying to offer my condolence when her older sister passed a year or two ago. One way or another, although we had a child, she wouldn't quite fit the category of someone you're describing. But I did want to make a thread asking questions like should you go to the services of your childs mother, if anything were to happen. With my daughters mother having cancer, I think about that sometimes. And I don't know if that would make things worst. From our last conversation, she gave me the impression that she wouldn't want me there. Maybe she would feel she looked cheap if too many ex's showed up. By reading your post, it seems like you and yours had a better relationship with hope, while my daughters mother was a mistake from the beginning, even before I got her pregnant. Just being honest.
     
  4. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It was a good relationship for the time that it lasted (1998 to 2000), but we always had a great friendship. We started it with honesty, but it ended at a time of financial trouble and the death of her grandfather. Her whole family thought I was being a player when we had each other wide open to one another. But it was nothing for us to eat from the same plate and fork, display public affection. And even after the ones she left me for took her down a dark road of crime and prison, we wrote each other all of 2012, finally discussing our feelings about the relationship we had. We admitted that we both missed it and wondered what would have happened.

    Her words in those letters before her death are what was tearing me apart for a while. She hoped we could start over. All she really had to do was ask. But I find comfort that she knew I loved her more than any other she had. Her words: "you made me feel like the most intelligent, most talented, and most beautiful girl in the world, and for that, I thank you." Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" used to be a song we listened to during the romantic moments we shared. I often told her I never wanted us to regret anything. That was our affirmation that we would always be honest with one another, that our relationship came first, and that I'd be with her through anything. Now, that's the song that played in my head heavily for the last 3 weeks, because of the regret I feel over not getting the hint sooner. I guess she felt ashamed because she fell for another man's lies before marrying him so many years back.

    Because of my faith, I know that God makes no mistakes. But the loss still hurts.
     
  5. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    sorry for your loss.....
     
  6. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you.
     
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