Poetry Critiques : Dark Star

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by 1poetsought, Feb 1, 2005.

  1. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    With Dark Star
    It's always been a date
    Picked her up at eight
    To make our great escape

    Holding hands,
    Closer than before
    Shut the bedroom door
    Lady gets her whore on

    Dark whole...
    Holla at me wild
    Spank her like a child
    Vowels that she cries out

    A far cry ~
    Loving her for sure
    Wrote the book of love
    Turns the page I'm on

    The best ever,
    Love story told
    Penned in belly roll
    Dark Star to the core

    On her mark start
    Takes you back to go
    To touch your very soul
    She's coming at you raw

    Dark Star...
    Better than the hype
    Love the way she types
    Keeps me in my write mind

    The End...


    Darryl Abdu Omari :geek:
    aka 1poetsought ~ copyright 2004
     
  2. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I first of all like the title ~Dark Star~ a very catchy title.
    and the text of the story is very good, to me it stayed on the about subject and was directly to the point of the story ...I give it a ^5 :terrific:
     
  3. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I could be wrong but are you talking about "writing" and "poetry"...
    the dark star being the inspiration, the ink...the words
    that's what I gathered from it, but poetry is much like a kaleidoscope

    However...getting to the critique

    As you know...your style is so unique and beautiful
    it's hard to even constructively find flaw in a style
    that has been honed and mastered by its creator (you)

    So...I would have to say, as much of a critic as I am
    (and believe me, no one has any idea)
    I am unable to find anything wrong with this poem.
    It has many, if not all of the crucial elements that make a poem "good"

    1) parallelism
    2) flow (no road blocks)
    3) imagery
    4) theme
    5) originality

    Hey...come to think about it.

    "Why are you posting work in here anyway...lol"

    Seriously...I have to agree with Queen...this is a dime!
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    whas up 1poet...glad you drop'd another piece over here...you are a tru poet not afraid of change...i admire that...bet...now to the critique....

    i agree with everything sista sage said on this joint....just adding one thing...
    dude...iv'e seen you before...although the imagery is tru...you could have rhymed more constantly on this piece...you teased us with rhymes....example

    Dark whole...
    Holla at me wild
    Spank her like a child
    Vowels that she cries out


    the second and third line rhyme but the first and forth don't...i think you could have done more work if those lines rhymed too...other then that...i must say what i think you were talking about holmes....
    well, this is my interpretation...

    i believe that you are refering to poetry as the "dark star".....in other words black poetry....you use sereral phrases that suggest some sort of writings...ie...

    Vowels that she cries out...
    Wrote the book of love...
    Love the way she types...

    at least this is how i saw it....abstract symbolism of poetry...:read:...keep bringing the pieces 1poet...i've noticed the steady increase in productivity....word!
     
  5. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I would like to thank everyone for their comments and support. Initially, I thought that I would not reply to any submiision in the critique forum. Fearful that to do so, would possibly intimidate, or even promote responses. But... how can you ignore family without self-denial?

    Queentswan. I am very happy to know that you approve of this work. Thanks for getting this party started.

    Angelicsage, you set the bar so high, quite frankly, I was fishing for a response from you; the very best. Well, I could not be more thrilled. Thank you, dear.
     
  6. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    KHASM

    Brother, I am so hyped over your critique. As you yourself know, to rhyme is nice... but to vibe is paramount. The instance that you pointed out is interesting to me as well, although I don't profess to fully understand the mechanics of it. You are each correct in the way you interpret where I'm coming from with this poem. I love to name everything meaningful in my life, be it my children, or some inanimate object. (I'll name yours if you let me) Well, naturally I had to go and name my workstation "DARK STAR". Thanks man, keep doin' your thing.


    :kickball:
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    i agree the title was catchy
    and how you took it right to the wire was
    awesome this was a great poem structured well
     
  8. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Bro. $$RICH$$,

    Know... that Y-O-U are ALWAYS very much appreciated, thanks.
     
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