Daddy's Dirt

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by Nita, Jun 1, 2004.

  1. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello family,

    I recently divorced from my husband. We were together 10 years, separated 3 of those. I had to leave him because he was starting to deal in some illegal activities. On top of that, he was drinking heavily and wouldn't return home sometimes for days. His friends are drug dealers, drunks, weedheads and thieves. None of them work or attempt to do better for themselves. My husband and his friends are always together, he even let's them stay with him.

    Here's my problem

    Me and my ex-husband are @ odds. He hardly ever comes to see his children. I say he visits about 6 or 7 times a year and he only lives 25 miles away from us. I have always allowed him to come and visit anytime he wants to.(with one exception, he was drunk and I wouldn't let him in) He just doesn't make time to visit them and I been fighting for him to support his children which he still wont do. Recently he has been wanting to keep my youngest, she's 2. I wont allow it because I feel she's too young. So much could happen to her and although she can talk, will she be able to make me understand if someone is doing bad things in front of her and tell me? Or worse if someone's touching her improperly?
    I don't have problems with my oldest child wanting to visit him because he has broken so many promises to her that she does not desire to see him. My now 5 year old wants to see him, but I am still uneasy with it because of his lifestyle. I don't understand why he wont make the effort to change some things in his life to make it easy for me to feel comfortable with him keeping the children. I wouldn't dare let my friends or anyone keep me from seeing my children. Since I wont let him keep them, he wont even visit them. It hurts me, but the kids are the ones that are getting the short end of the stick.
    God is going to judge me on how I raise my children. I am responsible for teaching and training them. If I mess up, I have to give an account. I am a very good mother. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, curse them, have men laying up in my house, or nothing that would be unacceptable as a parent. Am I wrong for not letting them go stay with him? Nita
     
  2. SwtT

    SwtT Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nita, ABSOULTELY NOT! you are NOT in the wrong here. Even though children NEED to see their father, it is the father who will not get his lfe together. It's as if he prefers smoking weed and doing any other illegal activites as too seeing his three kids. It also seems as if he needs some more growing up to do becuase any GOOD parent would change any harm in their lifestyle of they thought it would harm their children. Any thing could happen to your kids while they're around your ex-husband and whatever he's trying to do wrong at that moment. I applaud you for being such a good mother. You wrote in prevous forums that you becmae a mother at 17....not many seventeen-year old mothers raised their kids as you did, with love and concern:)
     
  3. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you SwtT

    I give up so much of my life, wants and needs for my children . I want my children to be productive persons in this world. I will do all I can to see that they do. My parents took the time to raise me right. I will do the same for my children.
    :thanks: so so much
    :heart:
    Nita
     
  4. MrBlak

    MrBlak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You re absolutely not wrong in this. No matter how excellent a mother you are, it will all go out the window, particularly with boys, if you allow them round someone thsy look up to who is doing illegal things. I have seen it recently where 16-17 years of good parenting and a good bright kid, went all wrong. The father lost a job, the family moved to a new city around relatives that were into crime and with the economic downturn, one son decided he needed money. Long story short, he ended up slingin coke and moving in bad circles and even got shot!! I dont know how he is doing now or if he has turned around though.

    Your children will follow the examples set for them. If your man is into dealing, drugs, stealing and other stuff, those kids will pick up on it even if he tells them not to. Kids follow ACTIONS not talk, not church sermons, not readings......

    It is best your man sees his kids at your house on your turf because then they will only see him when he is acting responsible. You seem to be doing a great job of not letting him act fool on your property so that is the only place the kids should see him....period.

    You dont really need my advice so I just encourage you to do as you are doing. The right thing!!
     
  5. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nita:

    As far as the infrequency of his visits...it sounds like your ex-husband is making your kids pay for the division between you. This is unfortunate, but many men do this. If you have reason to fear for your children's safety, then you are within your right to not let them stay with the father. In addition, I think it is a odd request to want to see 1 child in particular, and not all at once. Such favortism can only cause major problems.

    Just one question though. Does your ex share custody of the kids, or do you have sole custody? This will be a major factor in what actions you can take. Lastly if he will not provide for the children voluntarily.....eventually you'll probably have to get court ordered child support from him.
     
  6. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey nita!

    Umm.... A couple of things. See, newly separated as I am, I want my husband to spend time with his son. However, I know that if my husband starts slipping and doing things, I would NOT want my son to learn that behavior. And how do you avoid learning a certain behavior? You stay away from it. So, no, I on't think you're wrong for your feelings.

    A cousin of mine was going through the same thing with her kids father (she has 2... they are now 13 and 4.). He was doing some not so savory things in his own life. He broke many many promises to the oldest (the boy)... and then he started asking to see his daugther and my cousin felt that same way as you: that she was to young, and she would not be able to tell if anything happened. He dealings caught up with him, though. He is now serving a mandatory 2-5 years for gun possession. He told her not to lie to the kids....... My little 4 year old tells people "My daddy is in jail. He's a bad man."

    So, in conclusion, don't feet that you are wrong for not allowing visits at certain times, but do not sugar coat it, either. I've found that the most important thing to do (seems to be, anyway): DO NOT LIE TO YOUR KIDS! I'm already figuring out what to say to my son, and he's only 8 months old.
     
  7. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you Brothers

    Brother Blak,
    I agree, I'm trying to keep the visits where I can see everything that's going on. Children do watch the things that adults do and mimic what they see them doing. He wants to be off somewhere alone with them, but until he gets his stuff together I can't allow it and I give him time alone to spend with them in my home so I think I'm being fair.

    (PAN)
    Just one question though. Does your ex share custody of the kids, or do you have sole custody? This will be a major factor in what actions you can take. Lastly if he will not provide for the children voluntarily.....eventually you'll probably have to get court ordered child support from him.

    Brother Panafrica,
    We don't share custody and I was awarded sole custody, but I did ask that if I did allow the children to visit..ALL visitations must be supervised.
    As far as child support, I do have a court order. I have had this court order for 3 years and still the law allows him to get away with not making his payments. I asked again thru the divorce procedure that he pay all his support every month, I'm not sure if we will be able to ever get it. He's owes almost $9000 in back support.
     
  8. daroc

    daroc Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    my parents recently got a divorce, however, they had been separated for 10 yrs. and all for the same reasons u hae mentioned nita. we still saw him every now and then- and that decreased as we got older. me being the only girl- my mom was always funny about who/ where i was. i remember even at 12 she wouldnt let me spend the night at any of my fathers girlfriends houses.from being there, as a child u question why- but as you grow up and witness and begin to understand that ur daddy didnt come threw again- and that ur mom did a beautiful job on her own- u begin to find answers to all the questions that u had as a child. my mother never hid her anger towards my father, but it didnt teach us to have the same anger, but it forced us to look outside the main picture of - oh, thats my daddy so i love him neways. (i hope im makin sense) and question him as a man.

    i think ur baby's father will change if he sees fit.and there isnt really anything that u can do that will push things faster.

    ur kids will thank u one day, we always remeber everything
     
  9. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    daroc

    Thank you sister for sharing your story. I know that I can't change my husband. He has to want change for change to happen. I just pray he finds his way to becoming a better parent. I on the other hand will still continue to do what I know in my heart is right.

    Peace.
     
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