Poetry Critiques : Crush

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by flo-real, Mar 9, 2005.

  1. flo-real

    flo-real Active Member MEMBER

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    At the mention of your name.... I feel a wisp of wind come through my body frame
    as if your spirit is passing through mine, allowing these two vessels to lock & intertwine
    forming a feeling so deep till it passes through my heart and makes it's way down to my soul
    paving the way for this love's beauty to unfold.
    your tunnel of intellect penetrates the very core of my being creating sight for me with out even seeing
    somehow effecting the way I write, forcing me to mentally lock my lips to your lips tasting words to recite
    and wisdom to swallow filling my womb up and never leaving me hollow,
    this feeling so intense it transforms me from once trend setting to now follow. I even ask at times how so?
    I am inspired when I look in your eyes, and they look back at me as if to say with you I don't have to put up a disguise.
    and when you say my name...don't say my name...
    flo- real...
    mmph he said my name my body numbs until I can't feel!
    that is what you do to me, the very thought of you sends electric chills through my arteries
    and clogs them with platelets of sense & direction,education,motivation and a multiple count of affection that grows and flows daily
    so open wounds and cuts could never hurt this flesh for I am filled with your chromosomes set to protect me
    you speak to the potentials asleep inside of me
    it was no coincidence the universe put us in that place to meet we
    a simple notion from you makes me feel complete and, what I'm trying to say...well I don't want you to read to deep
    into...but it's hard to find the words to say how I feel about you... the universes truth... a god from birth... with unexplainable worth ...so good it hurts! and as I write....and write ......and write to try and create the words to describe you
    I realize that I can't because they're not beautiful enough......or don't mount up too!!
    what I'm trying to say is.... I have a crush on you!
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    CRUSH is velvety smooth... Its random thought process symptomatic of being in love. You have captured the essence of that wondrous event, having woven goose bumps within your pen.
     
  3. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey sister...

    I enjoyed this...

    it was very inviting... and I would say leave it as is if i hadnt been to your site...

    I notice you are a spoken word poet

    this piece although good reads a little wordy

    makes the listener have to work a little to feel you

    and you want nothing but clarity right

    you strike me as that strong prowess type of poetess... who wants her point RECEIVED at its best

    I would recommend re-reading it out loud and seeing how you might be able to revise it for a more POWERFUL affect :)
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I truely agree with Trin...but this piece really hits nice
    i also feel it will bring depth in a few stanza .............
     
  5. Dlovely

    Dlovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Girl great poem. You expressed what you wanted to say to the Tee.
     
  6. PatriceCQueen

    PatriceCQueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    the only issue i had was with the following sentence

    mmph he said my name my body numbs until I can't feel!

    I thought you meant to say

    mmph you said my name my body numbs until I can't feel!




    Otherwise than that i thought it was terrific


    Peace

    Patrice
     
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