Poetry Critiques : Countdown...

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by queentswana, Feb 25, 2005.

  1. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    *COUNTDOWN*

    10. You got "ten" minutes ...to step out that door,
    and I never want to see, your black *** no more.

    09. "nine" minutes left...and I'm about to shout,
    so spare me the drama, and get the hell out.

    08. "eight" years of lying, yet I pushed it aside,
    you got your wheels outside...get in it, and ride.

    07. Now you're down to "seven" minutes, and you seem to look lost,
    but when you tamper with "Queen-ness" ...one must pay the cost.

    06. Out of every year, "six" months of them... I'm crying,
    I'm tired of all the stupid ****...I'm tired of slowly dying.

    05. "five" times I tried to leave...but your power took over,
    all these years, I was high on you, but today I'm mighty sober.

    04. You got "four" minutes to go, do you have your clothes pack?
    you have pumped my heart dry...and there's no turning back.

    03. Do you remember when we were.. "three" steps from the alter?
    and you promised my dad, you'd take good care of his daughter?

    02. We had "two" hearts rolled into one...and you took my heart for granted,
    but I'll find true love again...somewhere on this planet.

    01. You got "one" minute, to beg me...to let you stay,
    but I can't take no more ******** ...so be on your way!

    0. Nothing "0" is what you brought to the door...
    and I can't take it, can't take it, can't take it...no more.
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A 10

    Queen, you've done it again...

    :whip: that @ss!
     
  3. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    All I gotta say is ****. Tell him he better ride out :horse:
     
  4. phenomenalwoman

    phenomenalwoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And if anybody knows that to be true its me. Remarkable, display of your emotions.
     
  5. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    hmm, he sure was dumb to tamper with the queen-ness, yeah let em know, lol,

    girl, this poem was not only entertaining, it had it's own rhythm, which made the meaning that much more deep

    that poem needed no critiqueing at all.
     
  6. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow...my goodness sista *riff's of HIT THE ROAD JACK in my mind*

    I loved it :)

    but numbers #5 & #3 werent as strong as the rest of them... not to say that you should change it sister but those two lacked the PUNCH that the rest delivered with a
    QUEENTSWANA FORCE whew :)
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this piece speaks loud yet clear
    and the reader can feel the woman chambers closing
    very nicely pose'd sista
     
  8. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Trin
    that's exactly what this site is about, uplifting one another....okay let me work on #5 & #3 ...see, that's whats' up
    luv ya sis
     
  9. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    As I read this piece I find it hard to contain myself I wanna jump in the car and come over their and beat somebody down whewww.

    I can feel the pain, the agony and the victory when the brother goes out the door. Very nice indeed.
     
  10. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    So when we gonna collab together? I know we could cut some fire up in here?!
     
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