Black Short Stories : Countdown to Noon

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Angela22, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    They were coming for him, and were unrelenting in their tracking him down. "What are they going to do when they catch me?" He thought. "Probably the worst of the worst." He imagined. "But if I can hold out long enough, they won't be able to do nothing". He had hoped.

    "I think he went this way!!" One of the trackers yelled to his scattered crew of 5. "Look, this musta fell outta his pocket. I think I saw him holding it earlier." The same tracker stated as he examined a partially damaged picture of a young woman.

    "Wonder who dat is." Another tracker said aloud. "She looks pretty cute, maybe it's his girlfriend." another answered him back. "Don't matter, we gotta keep moving before it's too late." Their leader urged them.

    "What's the time?" The young man on the run had wondered. "Almost noon. Maybe those fools gave up, because I don't see them nowhere in sight." He stated after he checked his watched. He found himself settling by a tree, hoping it would give him cover, but soon enough heard the noise of a rowdy group. "Aww man, what am I gonna do?" He panicked. He dared not peek to see how close they could have been for fear of being seen, but began feeling increasingly desperate. "It's do or die." He thought as he took a deep breath and made a run for it.

    No later than he had done this, one tracker saw out the corner of his eye a quick dash. "There he goes!!" He yelled to the rest. They all headed for the young man's direction, and began gaining on him as he tried to maneuver out of their way.

    Soon he could no longer keep from their grasp, and they pinned him to the ground despite his struggle. "Now, you didn't really think you could escape us, huh?" The leader questioned in mocking tone. "But you get points for effort. That's the longest we've had to chase anyone down. Now without further ado, let's finish this." He stated coldly.

    "Please don't, not that..." the young man begged as the leader neared him with both his index fingers extended.

    "Wet willy!!!" The leader yelled. His deed was met with the hearty laughter of his fellow classmates. "All new kids to our school have to go through it to be accepted, so consider this a great honor." One of the boys stated. "So this is the horrible thing you guys were planning." the young man stated as he picked himself up. "I'm happy the other kids gave me da heads up, but I really wish they would have told me what it was y'all would do. And I really wish my mom would have come to pick me up by now, since it's lunchtime." "Yeah, well nah ya know, and you're officially one of us." One boy replied back. "Oh and ya dropped this! Which, by the way, helped us keep track of you." The leader stated as they crowded around the young man.

    "Who is she?" "She looks hot!" "Are you dating her!?", the adolescents began to question.

    "Oh that's my grandma's! It's when she was younger. Thanks!" He stated gladly as he retrieved what was his own.


    (One story fairly new. Came to mind in the middle of the night.)
     
  2. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    I've barely goten through the first 3 paragraphs and I'm "discombobulated!" :lol:

    They should read:


    "What are they going to do when they catch me?" he thought. "Probably the worst of the worst," he imagined. "But if I can hold out long enough, they won't be able to do nothing". He had hoped.

    "I think he went this way!!" One of the trackers yelled to his scattered crew of 5. "Look, this musta fell outta his pocket. I think I saw him holding it earlier," the same tracker stated as he examined a partially damaged picture of a young woman.

    "Wonder who dat is," another tracker said aloud. "She looks pretty cute, maybe it's his girlfriend," another answered him back. "Don't matter, we gotta keep moving before it's too late," their leader urged them.
     
  3. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    This would make an excellent children's story!

    Except for grandma's pix at the ending. Don't know what that has to do with the story. :10500:
     
  4. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nothing much, really. Just a lil childish humor, I guess. "Oooooh, they thought a gwandmaw was hot!" I thought about taking it out, but didn't. It's just a random short I wrote on the fly, sooooo I felt I wouldn't be judged too harshly, lol.:)
     
  5. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    haha, I didn't do much checking for punctuation and you just haaaaaaad to put me on blast. :lol: For shame, on my part.
     
  6. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks, Kadijah, for the critique.

    But I'll ask, was it a surprise? Or did you figure it out before the end?
     
  7. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I liked the story, although the language wasn't very organic. It felt like the narrator was overdoing the description. My advice would be show not tell. Though the story was very good conceptually. I was wondering what in the world was going on--then when you said two index fingers I feared the worst!!! Good job!
     
  8. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks for that! :) Y'all give some great critiques.
     
  9. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Where I've tried to find a balance in, since I was 17, is in how much to describe, and how much to leave to the reader's own thoughts; ya know, letting them put two and two together? I go back and forth, I guess. So, much improving to do in that respect.
     
  10. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's advised that instead of describing draw an image. Like instead of "She was surprised" something like "She jumped out of her shoes!" or instead of "He was disappointed by the test exam" something like "After the Professor handed him his grade, tears fell into the red ink. He mumbled 'an F, an F, I can't take home an F.'"

    Obviously don't overdo that either. But it seemed in the writing that you over did description. It just seemed to be extra though it was necessary. Some description is fine; but a lot of things could have been shown.

    But at least you have a great plot. :)
     
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