Violaters / Violations : could be killed

Discussion in 'Violators and Violations (Possible Ones)' started by THA HOOKUPMAN, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. THA HOOKUPMAN

    THA HOOKUPMAN Banned MEMBER

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    could be killed its a old piece but i want to rewrite ...ideas???


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    hold her naked body firmly in my hand…………
    And I….close my eyes tightly…and ahhh..
    Slowly bring her hole closer to my lips
    …….and I …I and…and I …and I and I
    Could be killed for what am thinking
    Its beyond …….human experience
    Could be killed for what am thinking
    Drinking poison in my dreams
    It seems that am moving past my past
    Elementary school days past k to the 12th grade
    Where every body knew that boogie down productions
    Would always get paid
    In full like Rakim
    At least until black radio forgot him
    The great rock bottom fell 12 levels below Sodom
    Sold out
    Now all the white national radio conglomerates
    Got them
    strung out
    Like my old high school friend
    Who uses to wear 3 different leather suits a day
    And push the dime pieces in the jet black Benz
    At least until he saw half his life end
    Getting shot down on the roof of the projects
    Now he just shoots up
    on the roof of the projects

    an yet even he has a longer life expectancy than me
    Cause
    I could be killed for what am thinking

    I let her hole sit firmly on my tongue
    And am just dieing for her to cum
    I want her whole nine to just ejaculate straight thru my mind
    I want her to cum so hard that she blows off my headpiece
    So that I might finally have peace in my head, but
    Instead I hear a million ancestors yell that
    I have no right ta
    Have no
    Life
    they tell me I am
    Exzackly what comes after the ones that survived the middle passage
    They tell me im directly descendent from the ones who thought it was
    Punk shyit to
    jump ship
    The ones who mastered their masters
    Those angels those gods that worked hellishly hard
    From can’t see to can’t sea on the plantations
    Slaving for the very same Satan that they created
    They graphed their own masters

    And every nite
    Every nite a trillion bodies
    Blacker than cooked soot on the bottom of a crack pipe
    In a dark corner of the basement of a crack house
    When the moon signals midnight
    Sing to me

    They sing that im the ungrateful realization of there dreams
    They sing that im their social technologically spoil offspring
    They sing since it took four hundred years of misery to bring me here
    My suicide is not a acceptable offering

    tHey sing I was
    expressly put on this planet to speak dynamite to granite
    That I was intended to spit tears into microphones
    So that billions of disenfranchised black children might find their way back home
    And I
    Cry an I cry
    Cause I
    Im ashamed that
    I could be killed for what im thinking
    And I want her to cum so bad but I mange
    I want her to
    Cum
    So bad but I mange
    but I mange to pull the gun off of my tongue
    turn my thoughts inadvisability in the direction
    of black youth
    and behold!!
    Ejaculating out of my throat

    Is the truth
     
  2. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother HookUp I thought this was a great poem about suicide. However, I Think it looses it's power as a written work. This poem seems like a performance poem, and I think it has entirely too much energy, power, and just too much class to be razed to a pile of words. Brother Hookup you got to give this one to us in Audio baby. It is too gravy too be in words.

    Lovely Piece, I had to recite it in my mind as if you were performing just so I Could feel it, because in it's written form, it really looses it's sprit.

    Manasia.
     
  3. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The HOOKUP

    Don't kill it... HOOK it UP. Your desire to rewrite shows that your creative instincts are alive and well. Go with it, you've nothing to lose,your talent is unquestionable. Begin with the title; does it convey what it is you want to say in order to grab the reader at first glance? Does it represent entirely where THA HOOKUPMAN, is coming from? Do you want it as a performance piece, verse, or both? It's your baby... you have created it, and only you can raise it. I love your work and look forward to more from THA HOOKUPMAN. Peace.


    :hammer:
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    dude...you ripped this spoken joint...the metaphors that you used with poetry being a gun was some nice ish bruh...i really don't wanna touch this joint, but since you asked...i will try to be helpful...

    ok this line stuck me in the sense that i should be more dramatic since the statement from which it was derived is so profound and needed in today's society...

    but I mange to pull the gun off of my tongue
    turn my thoughts inadvisability in the direction
    of black youth


    i was thinking that inadvisability was not the best choice for this profound statement...our black youth need some serious help nowdays and your poetic gun can shoot some sense in their empty heads...so i think most would advise you to point click and shoot at da youngins...lol...maybe a word like promply or expertly would work better in this instance....

    i hope i didn't get the meaning wrong when interpreting this piece...holla back at me...

    one love
    khasm
     
  5. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    as you already know...I loved this piece when I first read it
    because the metaphor was so unexpected and the ending
    was so powerful, however...now that I read it again
    I would make one suggestion, in the beginning stanza
    right here:
    Drinking poison in my dreams
    It seems that am moving past my past
    Elementary school days past k to the 12th grade


    I would make "what" the poison is, more defined
    Also, after the 12th grade line...it gave me the feeling of
    "life passing before the persons eyes"..."the thoughts before death or suicide"

    but then you jumped to

    Where every body knew that boogie down productions
    Would always get paid
    In full like Rakim
    At least until black radio forgot him
    The great rock bottom fell 12 levels below Sodom
    Sold out


    and so on...

    But...I would have pulled the reader in a little deeper to the
    personal experience of the person.../ In essence extended
    the "life passing before the eyes" / I think you could get
    very vivid and have lots of imagery in this part...but other
    than that...

    I must say...this is a piece, that a reader so "Longs" to hear...
    because it is so powerful...in originality, style and message
    and the ending...OMG...it still gives me chills.

    Love you,
    Sage
     
  6. Elise

    Elise Member MEMBER

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    that was one of the best poems i have read on here. how long have you been writing? ive been writing a short time, and i want to better my skills at it, but i am not sure how to do it... can you tell me what you did to help you get better when you were starting out?
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    to me this one is a spoken word flow
    it hold much depth in it and written word
    don't do it justice what i see is that you
    may have express the (and i --i and )
    a few times to many but over all it's
    a awesome scribe but spoken word
    will give it life .
     
  8. Miannco

    Miannco New Member MEMBER

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    Why does this poem sound eerily like Taalam Acey's poem of the same name?


    This poem is almost verbatim a poem by Taalam Acey. Matter of fact its on one of his CD's. That's so weird! Or is it?
     
  9. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Miannco Welcome to Destee

    You are correct. Here is the site and sounds of this flow in mp3.

    http://taalamacey.com/cd3.htm

    THAHOOKUP.. unless you are Taalam Acey... you have rewritten anothers flow. :nono:
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    FAMILY / POET'S WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM here........

    Miannco welcome to destee.com we are happy to have you join us in this
    community so welcome within the family .

    We also thank you for sharing this infomation which we wasn't aware of .

    brutha Hodee thank you for adding the link to such work and creation
    in the future you can address any violations/ issues or concerns at
    http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7937

    surely we will respond and or address them in a timely manner.

    Brutha THAHOOKUPMAN can you please respond to this accusation
    brought forth, is this your work or someone else added to the page ??
    we kindly wish to clear this up and hear from you brutha .......


    Thank you in advance
    Forum Moderator
    $$RICH$$
     
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