Black Short Stories : Conscious Divide

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Wildseed, Nov 10, 2002.

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What do you think so far

  1. How you gonna leave me hanging man!!!

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  2. Keep writing. I\'m feeling it!

    3 vote(s)
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  3. Needs work, but has potential

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  4. Not into to this kind of thing

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
  5. Uh, well...yeah, okay....Uhhhh?

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  1. Wildseed

    Wildseed Active Member MEMBER

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    I'm trying to do a scifi thing.

    Khoranlai Ahlam never had an opportunity to learn fear. She was raised to expect pain when she made decisions that were or were not in her best interest. Being in love with On-Kaiyay was a fearless undertaking. She had loved him her whole life. When they met he was not walking. Still clinging to his mother’s breast, he observed her with severe interest. They would sit for hours as their mothers conversed, just staring. Their parents laughed at their utter silence in each other’s presence. No one really understood it. Some thought this phenomenon was not natural. “Small children should play with one another.” “These just stare.” People often wondered what it was they sat and stared at so intently. Just silly babies, doing what babies do.
    But Khoranlai and On-Kaiyay new better. They were in love. Not knowing how this came to pass, they accepted it as lungs accept and anticipate the next breath. So simple the concept, they never asked questions. They just loved one another.
    On-kaiyay remembered being angry with Khoranlai. He remembered leaving her to play alone for weeks at a time. Choosing other playmates, he played and played, but was never really satisfied. Without her, no game gave him the rush he knew he should be feeling, even when he was the victor. He never felt safe enough to share his secrets, even the most trivial, unless he confided in her. If someone spoke scornfully of Khoranlai, he turned his usually pleasant face into a twisted menagerie of sincere dislike.
    Once when they were teenagers, he turned his attentions to another girl. Her name was Yanton. They spent time together laughed and played. He enjoyed her, and she sought to please him. Slowly, the days seemed to find him separating from her. As kind as she was; open and willing to love him, he could not return the love. He waited on her, listened to her, almost forcing his heart to surround her. But it wouldn’t. A mind of it’s own, it pushed him into long daydreams of Khoranlai’s hair.
    It forced his heart to stand at attention upon the scent of her. She made him weak, in the most beautiful of ways, and he would not understand until they were older, why.
    :love:
     
  2. Queen_of_Spades

    Queen_of_Spades Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm not into sci-fi, so I can only comment on the flow and structure, which I loved. I suggest you break it down into paragraphs, make them shorter and add spaces to make it an easier on the reader's eyes. This has potential to go places..let me know how it all turns out.
     
  3. Wildseed

    Wildseed Active Member MEMBER

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    Thank you very much. I appreciate your encouragement. your suggestions are duly noted.
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    loved it wildseed dis on hit
    i can't pass judgement forth who am i to judge
    but what i read above is tyteeeeeee!!
    keep writting
     
  5. oraiders11

    oraiders11 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    nice story, I like the way it just grew up as it went on nice work :toast:
     
  6. Almakoar

    Almakoar New Member MEMBER

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    really good work keep writing and we all support give us more golden work.
     
  7. oraiders11

    oraiders11 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    oh yeah once again I visit to see if what I read was good and it was good so indeed keep it going. Christopher's Place :toast:
     
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