Black Relationships : Confused

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Dec 12, 2002
    Likes Received:
    +1,188 / -1
    I am confused about how people confide in the other about something deep within them, and then later when they are in whatever state of mind they are in, they would throw it back in your face. I am not sure why that happens. I almost feel like if they are the type who throws things back in your face, then why bother telling them what's on your mind? When you confide in someone, it isn't meant to be thrown back in your face. I also do not understand why at one time I am told that me telling them how I feel is what made them like me, but later, it causes them to hate me. I don't get that at all.

    This weekend, I learned that we should have mercy on others, because we are going to want to have mercy on us some time or another. I understand that fully, I don't have a problem showing mercy to people, but it shouldn't have to take me enduring disrespect and being insulted in the process. I won't dish it out to them, and if they feel like I am doing so, then they need to tell me. I am not going to make them feel stupid for telling me. And I am not going to use mercy as a way to get away with things and keep disrespecting the people that I claim I love. Basically I am confused right now, because I am not sure sometimes how to talk to people. I am not sure that whatever comes out of my mouth, it will be the wrong thing to say. I know for a fact that i am not going to tell someone how I feel only whe THEY give me "permission" to, because I am not a child. I am going to tell one how I feel whether or not they like it. One thing that cannot be said about me is that I haven't been honest about what I'm thinking. I don't get it when the same thing that is liked about you, later on can't be stood. It's funny how that happnens, but it does. I guess I need some feedback on when it's best to tell a person what I am thinking (not on their terms, but on mine) and when it's best to just keep my mouth shut, and go on about my day.
  2. Jaisolovely

    Jaisolovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Jun 19, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Beyond my own understanding
    +3 / -0
    My experience

    There is a time and a place to say things, yea this is true, but with me if at that point in time I feel that I need to be heard and get something off my chest then I do. If I dont then it will just eat at me. It's best for you to look out for your own interests and well being, because we dont always know how people (in general) will react to us, and what we confide in them in the long run. From my experience I believe that we should not always look for others approval and the answers we search for can be found within ourselves. A journal or diary will not spit back at you your most secretive tales, so try writing in one instead of confiding everything to another human being. Or try prayer and confide in the Creator or an ancestor (im still learning about this so wont touch that subject). I know exactly what you are going through that's why I keep some things to myself and if I dont care I will tell you all here on destee! :10900:
    And yes even if this person is a parent, I will tell him or her how I feel even if he or she doesnt like it. My mom has the tendency to talk to me as if I am still a child and doesnt have a right to my own opinion (as if I can not think for myself). Irritating yes, but she was the same person that told me to speak up for myself, so i m like "now what, what do you expect me to do?"
    This is all I can say based off of what you had written.
  3. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Jan 14, 2006
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    Produce Justice
    Right here!
    +58 / -0
    It is best to tell someone what you are thinking when the person asks you what you're thinking. That is the "best" time.

    Does that mean you can't tell them any other time? No. Does that mean you have to wait for them to ask you? No. You can tell people whatever, whenever. But in so doing you will experience the effect of doing so.

    We are all messed up when it comes to male/female interactions. And it's going to get worse if we keep feeling our way through relationships and not thinking our way through relationships. We have to do both. In order to do both we have to focus on the best thing to say and the best thing to do.

    Most often times, we play things by ear. We want to do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it. Now if the two people in a relationship that are both doing that have the understanding that they are going to do that and it is not ever going to change, and they like doing that and don't care if each other is doing that and that works for them and neither of them complain about it and they both look forward to doing whatever they want to do whenever they want to do gotta ask yourself if they want to do that why are they "together". Sounds like two single people just hanging out with each other. Doesn't it?

    Most of us don't have a concept of what it means to have a life partnership and are able to explain how it should work in detail. We just wanna hook up and we have no problems doing that. We haven't trained ourselves in terms of what the process should be in looking for a life partner and keeping a life partner by building a relationship together.

    If you're not looking for a life partner and were not looking for a life partner when you met this guy and you never made it clear...I mean High Definition Clarity...that you were looking for a life partner and explained in detail what that means to you...and explained how that is supposed to work and also explained in detail what things you'd like to put in place that allows the both of you to build a relationship based on truth (not falsehood), justice (making sure each other gets the help they need when they need it without either person being mistreated), and correctness (saying the best thing and doing the best thing for both people at all times), then it wasn't going to last anyway. You end up just trying to get used to the person's ways and our ways are getting worse and worse. You end up trying to decide if what the person is saying or doing is a problem you're going to live with or not. And that ain't communication. And we, both male and female, are notorious for this. Even when one of us is following whatever process we've come up with to look for and build a long-standing relationship that is built on friendship and partnership usually the other person is doing their own thang. They'll be pretending to go along with it until you are able to really examine their behavior then you find out they were never really listening to you at all.

    So try to find out from your partner or any potential partner how they think a relationship should work. To do this you have to ask a lot of questions. Once you find out from the person how they think a relationship should work ask them if that is how it works with them. If they say "yes" use what they said as a guide against their behavior. If what they say doesn't match what they do there is a problem. Communicating the difference to them is not throwing things back up in their face. The both of you should have a method or means for solving problems that lets you know what to expect in the process of solving a problem, ensures both person's side of view is heard and questioned if needed, ensures both people voice their opinions on solutions and that the bulk of the conversation is based on finding the best solution.

    If you're interested in such a method I'll post one so that we can all participate in cleaning it up.
  4. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Feb 26, 2007
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    In the fantasy of Afreekan Unity
    +843 / -0
    This makes very good sense to me.

    Does that mean you can't tell them any other time? No. Does that mean you have to wait for them to ask you? No. You can tell people whatever, whenever. But in so doing you will experience the effect of doing so.

    I have come to KNOW that *feelings* are INHERENTLY connected to THINKING. Thoughts generate Feelings. Thougths also dictate feelings.

    When I THINK; "I am a prisoner and victim of the un-just acts of racist/white lunantics", I FEEL ANGER. This is APPROPRIATE as "Anger" signals an act of relational injustice.

    serious sidebar: Many add qualifiers like "real or percieved" injustice. This I sense is done to absolve the self of any RESPONSIBLITY in the injustice. If I add "real or perceived", then, I have the option of chalking your anger up to "your perception" which is subject to fault. yet, I got way off track/digress.

    I have also come to KNOW that the PROBLEM which arises with managing *feelings* has more to do with NOT KNOWING WHAT we are feeling. Or, what the DOMINANT feeling is at the time. In that example, the feelings of Sadness and Fear are also generated. I will feel *sad* when I acknowledge to self (think) my state of incarceration. I will also feel *fear* as I recognize the inherent danger of someone or something external to my self dictating my movements/actions. What I can or cannot say/do, When and with whom I can say and or do a thing etc....

    Any one of those feelings will be dominate depending on the layout of the emotional, physical, relational environment of the person when the thought arose.
    Often time, people *feel* what they have been programmed to feel. At least, they can name or demonstrate the "right" feeling at any given time to get what they have identified as a need for themselves.
    This programming has interrupted people's ability to appropriately identify WHAT they are feeling at any given time. Aside from that, WE have been programmed to beLIEve that FEELINGS are BAD...dangerous, we are taught/programmed to FEAR "feeling".
    This I have come to KNOW is "the PROBLEM" with *feelings*

    True and WE KNOW how that happened. Our social/emotional parents here in this ameirkkkan syhstem made sure of that. If we deny this, we are likely to not address the current problem associated with it.

    I wonder now, is there REALLY such a thing as "life partner".
    People DO "change" Views and Values "change"

    NO...we been TRAINED by Cultural others.

    Cause "You" were never taught HOW. You were not taught to THINK. Slaves or prisoners are expected to DO...not THINK NOR FEEL. They knew if you were allowed to *feel*'d likely want to DO something different than what THEY (prison guards) want you to DO. We are now afraid to KNOW to much....just go with the flow....and feel......:?:

    this sounds like a state of being/mind which would produce PAIN/SADNESS. And...WE do not acknowledge *feelings* cause they are bad and cause problems and intefere with WE just ACT like everything alright...And that ain't communication.


    Yes...WE both Recieved the SAME programming.....different methods or the end...program is the same.....


    unable to examine and share the feelings which are directing the behaviors. pretending they DON'T *feel* anything.

    And nobody wants no lot of questions. Makes one THINK and when they THINK ..they FEEL whether they acknowledge it or not...

    and this typically results from not knowing what or how to express the associated FEELINGS....which link the two...thinking and doing... I did a search for a thread addressing how people define "hate". This thread came up because the thread starter used the word "hate" once in his/her sharing. After reading the thread, these thoughts came up. It was truely "coincidental" as I waited for your reply on the other thread where i asked specially about *feelings* in the practice of coded speech.

    I was not and am not on a campaign or bandwagon to force feed you or anyone else on the importance of HONORING our FEELINGS....learning and becoming more in tune with our FEELING STATES even tho it is an area that I have come to KNOW a lot about. I have come to know this information based on the use of scientific research procedures. Observed, studied, researched, assessed, analyzed, what else....??? the data, subject and have come to the expressed conclusions.
    Yet tonite, I was led here to this partifcular thread at this particular time I suppose, to share these particular thoughts.

    At this moment, I *feel* a mixture of peace, sadness and indifference (on the continuum of anger). Peace that I had the opportunity to write some thoughts out, sadness that I've not done more of this (writing) and indifference as I think of the result of that lack.

    Now I'm such I've said much to much and am waaaaaayyyyyy off track in my practice of effectively utilizing the Code.

    Does anything I've shared resonate with what you know:?::em0100: