Poetry Critiques : Concord, Massachusetts

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by IfUComeSoftly, Jul 10, 2006.

  1. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i wrote this while trying to drift off to sleep one night... i wrote this hoping to make that all important consuming connection that you dream of.... let me know what you think and how to tweek it... thanks so much poets...

    sista softly

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    during the summer solstice
    let's lose track of time, get lost in reality
    during the longest day of the year

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and ponder the reason for reason
    let's discuss the prose and poetry
    of Emerson, Whitman, Hemingway and Frost

    let's meet at Walden' sPond
    and become more enamored with nature than Wordsworth
    let's live vicariously through the nature's bliss
    the truest beauty to behold

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and plan our pilgrimage to the motherland
    let's be revived by our spiritual rebirth
    cleansing ourselves in the rivers of Kings

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and together embrace the ancient rule of yin yang
    let's promise to center ourselves in the heart of
    tranquility, peace, courage, and community

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and bring our favorite volumes of poetry
    let's assign our own meanings
    to Sanchez, Horne, Lorde, and Heron

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and unearth the true difference between hip hop and rap
    let's critique the lyrical consciousness
    of the one set of lyrics that ring worthy in our souls

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and learn every plane and curve or each other
    let's make us a temple in itself
    and pay homage while exercising our rites of passage

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and plan for the future of our children
    let's create our own nonprofit
    to satisfy the needs of the youth

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and I'll channel Cuba while you the Dominican
    let's reestablish our roots despite of
    in spite of the transgressions of those before us

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and savor the sweetness of a Georgia Peach
    let's add in the rich, nutty flavor of pecans
    combine them bake the most succulent treat each has known

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and marvel at the pure of heart
    let's akin ourselves to their Godlike qualities
    akin ourselves so that we may become like them

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and discover each other one syllable at a time
    let's define each other by our words and actions
    leaving the confines of preconceived notions behind

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and familiarize ourselves with the other's quirks
    let's figure out how to read subtle body language
    like why i bare my shoulder while you rub your beard

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
    and leave at peace with the world
    let's give nonbelievers a glimpse of the love
    that kindred spirits can share when friendship is first formed

    let's meet at Walden's Pond
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I can't see a thing wrong here
    every line / stanza kiss the next this was a great write u are really gifted

    Can i come meet u at Walden's Pond ......
     
  3. 4EVERLUV

    4EVERLUV Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    softly:
    $$RICH$$ is right. I see nothing wrong with it. He knows more than I do about this poetry thing but I luved it. Girl that is a really nice write.

    Your such a show off. :) You know that poem is good.
     
  4. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you rich...

    lmao... woman you are so wrong... it doesn't flow right.. i've moved stanzas around and everything... yet something doesn't fit right... so that's why i put it there... you hata! lmao.. i still love you.. grown woman with all them dang smileys... with a grown son.. and she gonna talk smack to me... you better be glad you old enough to be my mama... or i would whoop ya butt... lmao... lmao... lmao... just joking... you ain't that old... yet... lol...

    like my grandmama says to me... bell, you going to hell in a handbasket!... i know i'm touched... lol
     
  5. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    anyway... as i was saying before you came in and was a smart butt 4ever... this is one of the few poems that i've actually written down on paper before posting it on here... .as opposed to writing it as i typed it... i took care in this... so i want it to be right.. now help me woman!
     
  6. 4EVERLUV

    4EVERLUV Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    lololololol......

    Yes, you are touched. But in a special way I luv u too softly.:)

    But no really I think the piece is wonderful you are an awesome writer. So stop tripn'!!!!

    As for that "old enough to be yo mama with a grown son" comment. I am one hott thang and I got it going on. Grown son and all. So if you wanta be like my son(cuz his friends can't come to the house cuz they tryn' to date me) I'll be ya mama. lol


    Bell, your grandma is right, you going to hell. lol

    The piece is great softly posted in the poetry forum you'll see.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    too smooth love how you did this piece
     
  8. phenomenalwoman

    phenomenalwoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Funny I do a lot of my work amid sleep. I'm no expert but this piece was well written and I definitely love the concept. No changes are needed in my opinion.
     
  9. 4EVERLUV

    4EVERLUV Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I told you Softly....

    This is an excellent write. Great job my sista.
    Missing your witty personality, where are you hiding these days.

    Much Luv
     
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