Black Relationships : Common Law relationship vs. Marriage

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by islander, Oct 28, 2004.

  1. islander

    islander Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I've run into a lot of people, mostly men, who have this issue with the institution of marriage vs. a common law marriage (for those unaware of this term, it's when a couple lives together for a long period of time and address themselves as husband and wife without ever obtaining a marriage license or engaging in a ceremony. Some states recognize this and some don't) Anyway, I'm involved with a brother who believes in common law vs. marriage while I believe the total opposite. I've always wanted to be married before I had children so that whenever my significant other and I took that step, we could all maintain the same last name. I guess you could say I'm "old fashioned" when it comes to sharing your life with someone and choosing to reproduce with them as well. I've always had an issue with siblings having different last names amongst themselves and/or their parents. That's how my family is and I've always hoped to do otherwise simply out of personal preference. I just need some input because I can see this becoming a problem in the future. Maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way, but in my opinion, what's the use of "playing house" without "the house"? My thing is this, if and when we have children together and we're not officially married, then why should I give the child/children the father's last name instead of mine?
     
  2. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    those are the five step laws indeed !
    and i understand the meaning of those laws , it's true the state will
    enforce a common law marriage so they can have the say of what and who

    islander ...I feel your point as well i too hope for the same from the
    aspect of my parents & their children sometime you can walk into a
    life and bond grow to love and respect that has offsprings and if married
    you can adopt that child or children to ware your last name once you and
    the mate or future wife agree and hold an understanding of this sometime
    you don't have to wait to have children and 90% of women do have a child
    or children don't get me wrong but there are still some virgins but mostly
    young of age , i've been down this road and made choices and commonly
    communicated with understanding of this very thing to ward the child my
    last name once married and adopt.

    Thankz keita for the reailty of truth of the 5 step laws of marriage
    very insightful as i look deeper to every meaning of each one and the
    roles they play .
     
  4. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think women need to look at it from both ends. Like I've said in many threads before this one, marriage is more of a risk for men than it is for women. There really is no incentive for men to get married other than keeping the peace. Maybe some men want to "do it the right way" for themselves, but I know a lot of men that have been married and went through divorce and never want to marry again. Even one's that are married presently, wish they never married. I think people put too much on marriage. You can still give the children the father's last name. A certificate doesn't make the kids "more his" than not having it. They are still his children. I can see as far as benefits and things like that, but if that's a big reason why people get married then that's sad. I don't think people should make decisions based on whether they will ever be married to a person. I think if your boyfriend doesn't want to get married and you do...and there is no compromise.....it's a lost cause. Just don't have kids because that will just complicate things.
     
  5. MrBlak

    MrBlak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Good post Kente.....Common law marriages are becommming as normal as marriage in my province.....they have been going on here for a long time and more young people are taking part in it. Some have said that they will marry later when they got time and money....many followed thru and did that too. Common law with kids is nothing surprizing around here at all.
     
  6. islander

    islander Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the info Keita, I really appreciate it. Thank you to everyone else as well. I was looking at things more from a traditional standpoint than from the legal aspect of it. I guess I've never looked at marriage as an agreement with the state. I always saw it for what I thought it was about, two people in love wanting to spend their lives together. I guess I was wrong.
     
  7. islander

    islander Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This brother didn't always feel the way he does now about marriage. The person he was going to marry ended up doing him wrong and since then he hasn't been a fan of it. I've been married as well, but I just see things differently. We've both been hurt but what he's not saying is that he hasn't really recovered from it yet. Personally, I'd do it again if it was with the right person. As far as the last name thing, I was thinking more about giving a child my last name if I were to ever have one out of wedlock. If it doesn't make a child more his with/without it then it shouldn't be a problem. I'm just really picky about sharing a last name with my future child/children. I think I'll study common law a lot more and seriously think about what I want.
     
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