Poetry Critiques : Come on in, Before I leave

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Starz, Mar 7, 2005.

  1. Starz

    Starz New Member MEMBER

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    You -I called you an hour ago
    Maybe more
    And you’re still not here
    I wait up-
    For nothing. Just hope...
    Hope that you’ll come on in
    I don’t want to awaken
    To banging noises and broken chain
    From the secured front door
    It’s true- I want to leave you
    And yes-maybe I won’t find happiness
    and maybe happiness’ cousin sorrow will move in
    But the sun will still rise
    and I won’t pretend I don’t cry because you’re gone
    You-I called you two hours ago
    Maybe more
    And you’re still not here
    I sit
    Listening to the **** battery powered air-freshener you bought
    Every 10 minutes - buzz buzz
    Mixing in airy cigarette smoked and
    coughed from your lungs
    inhaled into the walls once white-now yellow
    I still sit here
    No panty- bare chested
    T-shirt and nylon pant
    TV flickers of useless must-haves
    and not in store
    brainwashing ads
    Come on in
    So I don’t have to watch these anymore
    I called a while ago
    I sit-
    waiting for you
    I need one last look,
    from your love-me blue eyes
    that glisten at happiness and are
    gray as a stormy night when sad,
    Just one last look
    before I leave​
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WELCOME

    WOW! What a grand entrance you've made. I love the way in which you communicate every nuance to the reader, expressing all that you're feeling.
    Looking for to more of this heaven from you. :great:
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    honestly you capture the reader
    the details speaks out loud
    a very nice write and welcome to the house
     
  4. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    How well I can relate to those lines...
    Welcome aboard the ship, and feel free to "drop it like it's hot" ...cause that's how you dropped this one. Wonderful piece poet, thanks for sharing
     
  5. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Welcome to Destee Starz.

    This is a hot piece

    :spinstar: :hot: :spinstar:
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    check this joint out
    becoming a classic
     
  7. nevar

    nevar Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    this was truly something enjoyed this flow, flow on poet.
     
  8. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Check this out. This is "poetry critique & workshop". I usually don't come over here to do any work. However, being that I read your work and enjoyed it, please allow me to say something pertaining to it.

    The great thing about your poem is its expression or your ability to bring forth your thoughts and emotions pertaining to what you want to express. That is good.

    The bad part is in your "capitalization and punctuation". You have left the poem up to each individual to read as they want to instead of as you intended it to be read. Where does one "pause" or begin a new sentence? Do you intend to express emotion as in

    " You?!- I called you an hour ago,
    maybe more,
    and you're still not here!!"

    You see, what I've done is, I've expressed "emotion". I've expressed "pause." I have expressed in that one sentence the "emotion" and the "pace" that I desire my work to be read. As such, I would take this poem back to the drawing board and re-write it "as I want it to be instead of as "others may interpret it to be. Got my drift?

    Peace Out!
     
  9. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    :great: I have to say....this poem was on point....I really felt it, and i can relate to the depth of it....

    Personally i think the poem is fine just the way it is....

    the flow of the poem was constant, the repitition of " i called u ____ ago" gave it a certain mood of being anxious and impatient. the scenario in the poem, made it seem kind of dreary, i liked the feel of it...as if the emotions were captured right out immediately...the boredom, the aggravation, the sadness...etc etc....

    if you were tryna spread this out in ur poem,,,well u did it perfectly

    Keep the flow goin

    MzSoulll
     
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