Black Poetry : chillin in the park

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by deepy, Sep 14, 2004.

  1. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    we were chillin in the park
    sun was down moving to dark
    hands upon my face and thighs
    "lets move" he said, "away
    from passerbys"..
    so we went to the lake's bank
    in the grassy knoll our bodies sank
    the kiss was hot and sweet and moist
    his tongue he didn't have to foist
    I was open, and like the song
    "nearvous trembling" i hoped
    "not long.."
    then this sound pierced my ear
    like scratching or little tears..
    "what's that" I said,he did not hear
    busy messing with my wash and wear
    his hand moved gently up my thigh
    I knew twas heaven or I would die
    but then that scratching sound again
    and eyes surrounding me like the wind..
    'WHAT'S THAT", i shouted out
    ..."baby, baby..maybe a rat's mouth
    we are sitting by the waters edge
    dont worry bout it..your legs seem wedged"
    Wedged tight and tension in my way
    no big fat rats will eat me this day..

    He laughed moving his head down
    sniffin nuzzling playin in my crown
    no denying he was gettin thru
    but them rats was there and watchin too
    And Then
    One rat moved to my foot, my leg
    this big fat rodent touched
    "OH NO", i cried I can't be here
    A house, hotel anywhere
    "baby, baby trust me please
    nothing can hurt you you're with me.
    "Yeah all well and good, that may be so
    but brother please I got to go"
    Like the song I screamed
    "I'm trying hard to relax but I just can't keep still"
    so if you don't want to leave that's fine
    but the rats help me know
    I WILL

    he was mad as he zipped on up
    I was rushing fixing the bra cup
    I didn't care what he thought of me
    the park lake was not where I was meant to be
    "aint got no money,honey what you wanna do
    just chill in the park for a little while"
    just drive me home baby...this nite is thru
    as i turned toward him with an angry
    smile..
     
  2. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    one of my old ones i am still working on...so open to thoughts..

    as all ways all poems (c) by deepy/ncn
     
  3. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No thoughts or input...I loved it!! No park for me either!
     
  4. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This tale had me intrigued, it started out so romanticly, but then, those rats. Life is like that, enjoying what could be such a "moment" and then something screwy happens to mess it up. I enjoyed the read, but then, that's what I have come to expect from you.
     
  5. Ireadastory

    Ireadastory Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I liked this piece! seemed as if you had a bigger rat on you for wanting you to stay in that moment. I really liked the rythmn in this piece. flow on!
     
  6. Blue

    Blue Active Member MEMBER

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    great storytellin'....I enjoyed it.
     
  7. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    i liked this story...:lol:
    da lakefront in chi has fat rats like that....
    this was on point...
    one love
    khasm
     
  8. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i like this laid like a story line
    really enjoyed this as all your work
    likes ya style sis....

    Peace
    Angel
     
  9. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    thanks all of yawl...
    one of those real moments
    maybe it should be in story than in poem?
    I am still working on it..
    looking for imput..
    mostly tho thanks for the support...
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    dis took me somewhere guess i better rethink thangz
    love the way u slap dis down
     
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