Black Relationships : Children causes marriage to breakup?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by 4KT, Feb 6, 2012.

  1. 4KT

    4KT Member MEMBER

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    I recently read an article (actually read several) whereas couples mentioned that having kids was the downfall of this marriage. I posted this question elsewhere.

    Is this true? Does having kids put a strain on marriages? If so, why is that?
     
  2. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's ridiculous backward thinking. Marriages have always been defined as institutions for child rearing. To now turn it around and say that children mess up marriages is another form of White lying.

    There's an agenda behind what you read. Read history then analyze appropriately. Paid Writers are paid for a reason.

    Hotep!
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hi 4KT ... i've not read such articles but i'm sure they exist ... seems reasonable that folk would want to blame anyone other than self, including the children, for their failures.

    Personally ... having been married, had children, and divorced ... i'd never say that my children were the downfall of anything.

    I'd be more inclined to put the responsibility ... its success or failure ... on those adults responsible for it.

    Oftentimes we get married not aware of the challenges that come with it ... and it's simply not easy ... with or without babies.

    Certainly, children make it more challenging ... requiring even higher levels of dedication and responsibility ... but nothing is their fault.

    Children today have enough obstacles to overcome, the last thing they need is to believe they are the reason their adult parents couldn't get along.

    Great Thread! Thanks for Sharing!

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    though i don't know the age group of the children you reference, we all have to agree that some children are very manipulative--all children want their way. if one parent is more vulnerable to this than the other, the child will work on that parent...to get his/her way. if the more dominant parent isn't able to bring the other parent back in line with his/her way of thinking, it can be taxing on the relationship. too many parents are more interested in befriending their children than parenting them. old-school parents will have a serious problem with this and it could--if the parents aren't able to get on the same page--cause the demise of the marriage. of course, there would probably be contributing factors that both would point to...but the issue of child rearing would be among them. most would say that the kids had nothing to do with it but, in most cases, that would not be true. any issue within a relationship that's allowed to infest the relationship can cause the downfall of that relationship. that's why it's imperative that parents be on the same page when it comes to raising their children.
     
  5. info-moetry

    info-moetry STAFF STAFF

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    peace

    I wouldn't say that having the Children/kids would be the 'downfall' of a marriage. It's more than likely be the adults fault for not agreeing on how to raise the children/kids before they had them.

    Though i've never heard of this in the BLACK & LATINO community, i could see it as a problem for WHITE people though. Being that it seems there households are more focused on $$ rather than actual love when compared to the aforementioned communities.
     
  6. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well- if you have a baby in the midst of marital problems, a baby will usually only make the situation worse. The individuals who experience greater disatisfaction(leading to a breakup)...were likely disatisfied with the marriage/partner to begin with. *shrug*

    Anyway, the birth of a child tends to alter - disrupt - ALL aspects of family life.
    There's the money issue. The quality time issue. The fatigue issue. The physical/psychological demands, etc...
    It can be a stressful time for a couple...'specially, a young couple. It's a difficult thing for some to settle into their EXPANDED roles (mother and father)...and work together. Most do it without any kind of support.
    Sometimes, the husband will feel neglected - feel resentful of the time that his wife spends away from him. Sometimes, the mother will be resentful of the husband not helping her out around the house and with the children.
    These things happen.
    What's more, many demands are placed on the new mother. Usually. Whether or not she has a spouse, she will have increased responsibility. Usually. She is the primary care-taker. Everyone, including the husband, lean on 'mommy'.

    Pretty sure that's a portion of the reason why women are wayyyyy more likely to file for divorce and least likely to remarry...as opposed to men. The women in my family usually bury their husbands and stay widowed. I asked a 77 yr old aunt of mine about the situation. She said, "Married?! Whose gettin' marri -- me? Chiiiile...! I get up when I want. Cook when I want to. Now, what I want with a man 'round me for, che`? Throwin' his weight around...tellin' me what to do in my own house? Child, puh-lease...." *laugh*
    ...I tend to agree....

    Now, the men in my family? Well...my mother is my daddy's 3rd wife. She's 54 and he's 75.
    Yup!
    Divorced one; buried another...and got him a 'PYT' (pretty young thang).
    'Nuff said. *laugh*

    ANYWAY -- yeah...the birth of a child can place a strain on married couple. Doesn't mean that it will, though.
    It helps to have a strong bond before the birth of a child.
    ...to act as a team and adopt common child-rearing strategie.
    ...to take time out for each other.
    *shrug*

    I have no children, btw....
    It's within my scope of practice to know these things. So...I do. <-- For those wondering from what platform I have to speak with no practical experience.
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Baller ... i can't believe you're saying the above!

    Some children are very manipulative?!!! ... :eeek: ... of course a child wants its own way, that is what children do!

    It's a child's fault, if they can manipulate an adult?

    That poor adult didn't stand a chance ... no sooner than the baby came out ... it ran the show ... everything is its fault!

    That's a shame. Blaming adult choices, responsibilities, and failures, on a child.

    If we can put the downfall of marriages on the children, let's put everything on them ... world peace, poverty, acid rain ... everything.

    They're hardly able to defend themselves in the adult circles they're being accused in ... or the world they have no control of ... it's an easy out.

    Yeah ... those poor adults ... all they were trying to do was live their life ... and that manipulative child magically appeared ruining it all ... :lol:

    Too Krazee.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I'm of the opinion that NOTHING can be the baby's fault ... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

    There's a chain of command ... and don't lay blame till you get to the top of it.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yes, a child will be a child...and everyone wants their way...and a child will do what he/she has to do to get his/her way. yes. ultimately, it's the parents responsibility to parent...and not the child's. but, Destee, you have to agree that there are parents out there trying so hard to be their child's friend that they forget about the parenting process and just want to keep the child happy...by letting the child do whatever the child wants to do. i'm not judging the right or wrong of it, i'm just pointing out things that happen within the scope of the family relationship. no, it's not the child's fault for being a child but these actions sometime lead to a rift in the parents relationship...that could lead to divorce. but i'm sure that's a direct result of how they were raised. that's why i say parents need to be on the same page in raising their kids. if i'm wrong, tell me. i'm okay with that.:)
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    EVERYTHING IS THE PARENT'S FAULT ... EVERYTHING!

    If the child is manipulative ... that is the parent's fault ... for not reigning that behavior in.

    If the child wants and gets its way all the time ... that is the parent's fault ... for not reigning that behavior in.

    If the child was a major factor in the divorce ... that is the parent's fault ... for allowing such a situation to exist.

    Nothing ... in my opinion ... is the child's fault ... for afterall ... it is a child ... supposedly (??) led and guided by a parent.

    In fact ... if a child is very manipulative ... you'll probably find they learned it from their parents ... which keeps it the parents fault still.

    No ... our babies have enough to carry as is ... i think it's wrong to put even an ounce of this on their fragile shoulders.

    But that's just my opinion Baller ... and i could be wrong.

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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