Black Women : Childbearing Age & Dating

Discussion in 'Black Women - Mothers - Sisters - Daughters' started by karmashines, Apr 30, 2006.

  1. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Based on a request from Jamesfrmphilly, I am starting a thread asking the question: how much for women does child-bearing age factor into what she needs to let her mate know up front before dating him?

    Some of the men here have said let them know what you want in a relationship. Some have also said they are interested in something long-term but not marriage. This is fine, but from my own sphere of experience a lot of women want marriage, at least from what they say. They also want children.

    So how much focus should a woman put on that? Should she let her date know up front that she wants marriage and children (if that is what she wants), or just have fun? What happens when the woman gets older... we all know women can't make babies forever.

    Now, before people respond, considering what most know about my background, it's not unreasonable for me to say let's TRY to keep this focused towards BM/BF relationships, because that's what is the MOST reflective of people here. Please share your perspective if your PRIMARY goal is to find a BM: you've dated BM and/or you're married or were married to a BM. If comments are made NOT related to this, then a separate thread addressing them will be created.

    For the context of this discussion, the term BM (black male) can be whatever you indivdiually define it as.

    Also, the men of Destee are welcome to respond.
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    so you women are running around with your clocks ticking?
    must be hell getting through airport security.....
     
  3. Bisabee

    Bisabee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I've known of cases where women finally got married when they were in their upper 30s and 40s and weren't able to have children due to repeated miscarriages, fibroids (big problem) lack of fertility, illnesses and so on.

    Having children was very important to me when I was in my early 20s and luckily I met, loved, and married a man who was from the type of background that enabled him to understand that my reproductive ability as well as my prime reproductive period was something to be acknowledged and valued by both of us. This was years ago, but in those days, it was just assumed by most decent men of a certain demographic that women wanted children. Many men wanted children too.

    As I said in another thread, men in those days assumed that there were strings like commitment and marriage attached to having sex with a decent woman if they continued to date her, unless there were extenuating circumstances. This is even true today in certain demographics of people.
     
  4. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    My cousin says she's infertile due to fibroids. She has two kids but is currently single. I asked her does having the kids make her feel any better... she said in a way but for her it is disappointing to not be able to have a choice in the matter.
     
  5. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I posted the following response in another thread, but it also applies here.

    Prior to the 1960s black women in America did not have a problem finding black men to marry them, and most had children in wedlock. The reversal has only happened during the last 40 years or so. As for why that is: I've written at nausim on this website that the African American community needs to improve/change how they select a mate. In my opinion the modern generation of women (during the last 20 or 30 years) have become confused about the traits necessary to be a good provider and husband.

    I've witnessed countless sisters turn away serious suitors (good brothers), because they don't fit the ideals of their dream man...or because they weren't ready to settle down. I'm sure that other brothers viewing can say the same. If the goal of marriage is to produce children, which historically was one of the primary reasons, then women can not afford to spend their 20s and a good portion of their 30s concentrating solely on their career & partying (which many are currently doing). Indeed the biology of a woman essentially only leaves a 30 year time frame (early teens to early/mid 40s) to produce children. In addition to this, women's fertility drops with each decade. Thus the longer a woman waits, the more difficulty she will have conceiving. Many of today's modern women simply wait too long to decide that they want to be married and have a family. By the time they do finally decide that children/marriage is important to them, their time frame is short, and they become desperate (and pick any man to impregnate them). Needless to say, good choices are rarely made when people are desperate.

    On the other hand another reason why more unmarried women are having children is because many seek to become mothers before they seek to become wives. There is a significant number of women in today's society (especially black women) who view marriage as a bigger commitment than producing a child, when it is the opposite. A marriage can easily be brought to an end (particularly in today's society); however, children bind two people together for life...literally for good or bad! Although there are no guarantees in a marriage, it does show a strong level (perhaps the ultimate level) of commitment. No woman should have a child with a man who doesn't think enough of her to make her his wife. Similarly if a man is not good enough to be your husband, then he shouldn't good enough to be the father of your child. Children take more than their parent's physical traits, they also take their personal traits (quite often the traits which made that person an unsuitable marriage candidate).

    http://destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37869&highlight=african+selection+process

    To add to what I said above. It is important that a woman let a men know what her intentions for a relationship are unfront. However that should really go without saying. Indeed articulating ones expectation is just part of good communication and basic common sense. I don't mean to be insulting but that this question even had to be asked is further proof that the modern generation of women have become confused about the steps necessary to find a good provider, husband, and father. More women need to date with "marriage in mind", which in my opinion most women no longer do. Also while the biological clock is ticking, most women should also not go too far too early. It is my experience that the best time to marry in today's generation is mid to late 20s. The first good thing is rarely the best thing, nor the one you are suppose to be with. I've seen too many women (and men) who marry early grow apart from their spouses or partners because they went different directions. This usually happens when people select someone before they finished growing as a individual.

    P.S. Since infertility was also mentioned in this thread: Fibroids, etc. A major cause of infertility in women is scarring because of untreated Veneral Diseases like Chlamydia. Sexually active women need to go to their OBGYN regularly, and need to use protection each and every time the have sex.
     
  6. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In the event of a woman never getting a ring, would it be wise for her to ask her man's hand in marriage? If so, would he respect her in the long-run?
     
  7. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wouldn't advise a woman ever asking a man for marriage under any circumstances. As I said above although there are no guarantees in a marriage, it does show a strong level (perhaps the ultimate level) of commitment. A woman should not be waiting for years on end for a proposal nor should she tolerate a multi-year engagement (as many of our sisters do). It doesn't take a man that long to decide whether or not he wants to marry a woman. In cases like this it is better for a woman to move on, and hopefully she will not have had any children, so the end of this relationship can be a clean break.
     
  8. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ok..............

    A multi year engagement is ridiculous. Many times I see couples as content as can be, yet as soon as the woman mentions marriage, suddenly, it's: "well thangs ain't working out!". That is absurd. If the man somehow convinces himself it's all about the pre-nup, he is gravely mistaken, because he'll have to pay child support regardless they're married or not, and he'll also have to deal with the Common Law issue. This is why it is better to go on and tie the knot. IMO
     
  9. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The purpose of the engagement is to prepare for marriage. The acceptable standard is a year or not much longer than that. The 4 and 5 year (or more) engagements that I commonly run across are not signs of true commitment. These are in reality "reservations", meaning the man (or the woman) finds someone who they like, but aren't sure they want to be with them. Therefore they give them a ring, set a date 5, 6, or 7 years later to see if they can find someone better.
     
  10. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Well written. Good points.
     
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